Dating Today

The name of the column is “Dating Today.” I get emails from those in their shanah rishonah asking for advice. The first year of marriage is the hardest because now two lives are blended into one. The “I” becomes “we” and all that other fun stuff. I can’t offer any advice to newlyweds, because the questions they ask are problem/shanah rishonah specific. They need to figure it out on their own, because there will be many more questions/issues/situations that need to be resolved and I won’t be there to help. The chasan and kallah learn the lessons together and grow while trying to navigate the ups and downs of the first year.

I like to verify that everything I publish in my column is 100 percent true. When someone tells me something that starts with “You gotta write about this...,” I always question them about how they came to know the facts that they are telling me, and if the facts are accurate, not embellished to “make a good story.” A close friend told me the following story, assuring me that all is true, and nothing is exaggerated because “how could you exaggerate this?” She said that her family knows the people in the story.

Why can’t people go out and have a good time on a date? And while they are having said good time, they can hopefully get to know each other? Why do some dates feel like a job interview? Yes, I know you are interviewing for the job as spouse, but some dates feel like a barrage of questions are being shot at you. It’s not a conversation, it’s a Q&A session. And let me tell ya somethin’: that’s not how you get to know someone.

Dear Goldy:

My parents have been divorced since I was little. I lived with my father, stepmother, and their family. The relationship with my mother is...complicated. I try my best, but sometimes it’s just a 30-second phone call with her because of kibud av and that’s it.

Dear Goldy:

I have married off children, and they didn’t marry the first person they dated. All my children dated for a while before they met their spouses. So, I have heard my share of dating stories and read your column religiously, but I’ve never come across or even heard of something like this happening.

In the past, I have written that it is a huge adjustment to go from thinking of “Me” and “I” to “Us” and “We” once you become part of a couple. It took me a bit of time to adjust to that when I became a kallah. I was someone in my mid-30s who never had to consult someone else when I wanted to buy something or go somewhere. I’m a fast learner, so the adjustment period wasn’t long. But for some, the shock of having to ask another person “permission” to do something, go somewhere, or to buy something is shocking and it may seem ridiculous. I don’t think of it as asking permission. You’re not going on a class trip and in need of your parent’s signature. This is a new life. You will live with this person, and I refer to it as “keeping them in the loop” and “asking for another opinion.” Your actions and decisions will be affecting someone else, just as their decisions will affect you. As you will read below, this kallah found out the hard way that she should start thinking of herself as part of a “we” than a “me.”