Dear Goldy:
This letter is going to make me sound horrible, but I’m really not. I’m just worried and being realistic.
I’m engaged to a wonderful man. He is an only child. I have three siblings, but my mother was an only child. My maternal grandmother passed away suddenly from a heart attack when I was ten. My grandfather was able to live on his own for a few years, but when he started forgetting things and simple tasks became too much for him, he moved into our house. Everything was fine for a year. Zeidy was always around, still his normal self, except for a few moments when he wasn’t and then one morning it all changed. One morning he woke up and it’s as if his body gave out on him; he couldn’t get out of bed without a lot of assistance, couldn’t walk from the couch to the kitchen by himself without getting winded, his memory disappeared, etc. It got worse quickly and my mother (and father) decided to get him home hospice.
Again, I’m sorry if this sounds wrong, but the last year of my grandfather’s life was horrible for me. Yes, I said for me. I know it’s wrong, but I’m being honest. I never wanted to go home; the house smelled like a hospital, my grandfather was trying to speak but was only able to moan, nurses in and out, etc. I was in college at the time, and I felt like I had no place to go. My anxiety level was through the roof. I couldn’t take the smell and the sounds. My parents tried to make everything else normal with me and my siblings, but it was very hard. I saw what my mother went through: tears, frustration, outright anger, up in the middle of the night holding my grandfather’s hand when he seemed in pain or alone, talking to him, etc.
Today, I am a kallah and my chasan is an only child. I am so scared of what will happen when his parents get older and if they need care and if he wants to try to keep them home and not in a facility. I knew this going into it (dating him), but I wasn’t analyzing it. What changed is: Last week, his mother slipped on the ice and was taken to the hospital. Baruch Hashem, she is okay and will be in tip-top shape for the dancing at the wedding, but I was sucked back in time to when my grandfather had home hospice. My chasan called, explained the situation about his mother, went and stayed with his mother at the hospital for hours, helping her home, helping his father set things up in the home so his mother is comfortable and everything is within reach. I am proud of how my chasan wants and is helping his mother, but I’m having panic attacks thinking of the future. I know I have my siblings, and they will help me, and I wouldn’t be in it alone, but my chasan has no siblings. It is just him. I can’t go back to living with home hospice or a parent whose health is failing. I know it isn’t my parents, but I can’t shake the feeling. And I can’t talk about this with my chasan. “Hi, your parents can’t move in with us when they get older and possibly sicker, because of what I went through when my grandfather lived with my family.” He’ll end the engagement right away. Anyone would.
I need to know how you would deal with this issue. I know you have a sister, and you’ve mentioned many in-laws, but if I was you, what would you tell yourself?
Anonymous
*****
Thank you, Annie, for your email.
I don’t think you’re nasty or don’t have a heart. Like you wrote, you are being honest and realistic. And yes, this is a delicate type of discussion to have with your chasan.
But let’s take things in an orderly fashion and not put the cart before the horse. Your soon-to-be in-laws (may they live ad meah v’esrim) may have taken care of what should happen should they fall suddenly ill or are unable to care for themselves. Do they have long-term health insurance? Is there a plan? Are they able to stay in their own home with 24- or 12-hour care? What are the terms of the policy? This is an important conversation that is necessary for your chasan (you) and his parents to have – along with all the readers of this column. Talk with your parents before you are forced to make a decision ASAP, because something may happen and you don’t know what plans are in place. Annie, for all you know, everything may already be in place, but it is important for the conversation to be had. And if plans are not in place, that’s another important conversation to have; what do they want, what are they eligible for, what can they afford.
Baruch Hashem, your future shvigger is okay. The fall may have jolted her a little bit and it may take a few days or weeks to get back to herself (you didn’t write if there were any injuries), but, im yirtzeh Hashem, she will be fine to dance at the wedding. So, we don’t have to freak out about this issue now; but you should have plans to discuss it.
I understand being triggered and having flashbacks to a time in your life when you felt home was not a safe, comfortable haven for you. Because of your grandfather and his failing health, you suffered from anxiety. And there is nothing wrong with saying that. It’s a normal reaction for many people. I, too, had a grandparent live with my family (when I was in my 20s). One day, my grandmother was fine and it’s like the next day her body forgot how to walk, talk, etc. We had home hospice, as well. But picture this: At the time, I was a second-year intern in graduate school and my internship was in (the then) Long Island Jewish Hospital. I was assigned to a wing of the hospital that treated only oncology patients, and most were octogenarians. I too had high anxiety. It wasn’t like I could take my mind off of my worries at work because at work I was caring and helping for someone else’s family member who was in pain and dying. On the first day of the internships, one of the nurses told me, “We either discharge them to hospice or to G-d.” This is not what I wanted to hear. It was a bad year for me. I would sit in my car when I arrived home in the evenings and stay for a few minutes, before I had to go into my home and become now actively involved in my grandmother’s care.
I truly understand what you are going through. Yes, you are right, I have a sister and many in-laws on my husband’s side, but my sister lives 200 miles away. There have been times when it has been me and only me when I had to accompany my father to the hospital or stay with him in his home if he wasn’t feeling well or recuperating from an injury. I had the emotional support on the phone with my sister and in person with my family, but it was just me and my father during those times, alone in his house. I was also taken back to my 20s, but this time it was a different feeling – there was anxiety, but a different type. Maybe it was because I knew whatever ailment or injury my father had was temporary and he would recover. But he depended on me. Added to that, I had my own family two blocks away to care for. I was pulled in two directions, wanting to give more attention and love to everyone, but realizing I was one person. My sister and I are having the important conversation with my father now. My father made plans for when and if she should get sick, have an injury, need long term care, etc. We just don’t know the specifics, but now we are learning them.
In my opinion, you can begin by telling your chasan about how life was when your grandfather lived with you, how you felt as his health declined and more assistance was needed in the home in order to care for him. You can weave that conversation into your normal worries of what will happen when his parents age and decisions have to be made. Don’t tell him, “Your parents living with us is not an option,” but have an open conversation about it.
I don’t think your chasan will call off the engagement if you go about it that way. He may understand and may even have similar feelings because he is the only one they can turn to. And who will he turn to for support? You. You can give him love, support, an ear to vent to, a shoulder to lean on when he needs it. Isn’t that what marriage is about?
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
