Dear Goldy:
I’m not a shadchan because I can’t devote a lot of time to it. Baruch Hashem, I have a full life with my job, family, etc. But several years ago, I set up my cousin with my husband’s friend. Baruch Hashem, things worked out, and they are married with a family of their own. It happened three more times over the years. It’s people that I know or are connected with.
A few people have called me asking me to help them or their child. These are people I hardly know; one sits next to my mother in shul – the new shul my parents attend since their move to Florida last year. Another is the mother of one of my friend’s sons. I dread these calls. It’s not that I don’t want to help, but I can’t. I’ve only set up people whom I actually know or are in my life in some way. I don’t have lists of names or resumes of singles in a binder. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m someone that I’m not. Like you once wrote, it’s like selling yourself to a stranger to set you up with another total stranger.
The last phone call I received was a couple of weeks ago, and it is still living rent-free in my brain. A woman who is an acquaintance of an acquaintance of mine called saying that she heard all about me and wanted me to use my “shidduch powers” to help her daughter. I explained that I only set up people whom I know well, who are in my life or connected to someone close to me. I don’t have to start from scratch with these people, trying to get to know them, because I already do, so I’m halfway there. I know what they are each looking for; but I don’t know her or her daughter, and it wouldn’t be right for me to try when I don’t have resumes of men (or women.) I don’t even have that big of a social network where I would meet new people on a regular basis. I just know who I know.
The woman insisted on me helping her. She played on my guilt: “My daughter is 40, the only one left of her friends, never set up with her type. Help her become a kallah!” I said no. I actually said no and “I’m sorry, I can’t.” But then I thought, it probably took courage for this woman to call a stranger and ask for help. I want to help if I can, but I don’t want to just set people up for the sake of saying I set people up. I caved. I said I would try to help her daughter, but I make no promises and I don’t want to mislead her. The mother thanked me, and we arranged for the daughter come to my house so I could meet her. I needed to get a feel, a vibe of this girl, which I can’t get off of a dating resume. There is just something with meeting people and the personality they have, the aura they give, what they bring to a room and a conversation.
The daughter showed up almost an hour late without calling or texting that she would be late. Okay. We went into the kitchen, the only quiet room in my house, and I asked her to tell me about herself and the type of person she wants to marry. She told me her shpiel. Nothing out of the ordinary. She was a nice young woman, but nothing screamed vibrant, bubbly, or unique about her. My kids came running in and out of the kitchen a couple of times, and she would stop talking when they were near and looked uncomfortable with them there. She said that she thought we would be alone during our meeting and was uncomfortable speaking about this in front of others.
Excuse me? She was an hour late. We would have been alone had she showed up on time. But she came an hour late. We finished our conversation, and I told her to give me a week to think about who I may know to set her up with.
Two days later, the texts from her mother start to come. I explained that I told her daughter I needed a week because I had just met her and I really wanted to try to fix her up with someone who was shayach, not just someone who was breathing. The mother said she was expecting me to come up with someone sooner. I explained that I told her daughter that I needed a week to think about it (didn’t they communicate?) and reminded her that this wasn’t something I normally did, so I needed time. That didn’t stop her from texting me the next day. In the meantime, I was talking to my husband’s friends, co-workers, cousins, etc. I was having a hard time because I didn’t want the person I would contact thinking I was setting them up with their bashert, when I wasn’t sure of her myself. I was really doing this out of guilt and the mother pressured me. When I called the daughter, not the mother a week later, I told her about my friend’s nephew whom I had met a few times, gotten the same type of vibes from and he was open to going out on a date “with someone who called me out of the blue.” He understood the situation. I didn’t pretend to know her. I don’t embellish or lie.
B’kitzur (although it is already very long), the girl asked me a million questions about the nephew. I was able to answer some, not all. I told her I would send her his resume and she can take it from there in terms of “researching.” She didn’t want to do the researching. She (and her mother) came to me, so I can do the vetting.
Again, I reminded her that I was doing this as a favor because her mother asked, and I do not set people up just for this reason; I do not have the time to invest in looking up, calling, researching singles! She seemed put out by my response, but promised to look at the resume and would get back to me as soon as she had an answer.
One week goes by. Nothing. A week and a half later, the mother calls me to tell me that they didn’t think the boy was “on the level” for her daughter and she expected better from someone who has made successful shidduchim. She said it seemed like I found someone the opposite of who her daughter was looking for. This was incredible. This was exactly why I don’t want to get involved in shidduchim unless something literally falls into my lap. My friend’s nephew is a good catch, handsome with a good job. The mother made it sound like I tried to redt her daughter to some nebach. I wanted to say so much. It was all on the tip of my tongue. But I held it in. I did this to be nice; I openly said that I wasn’t making promises, and this is the reaction I get almost ten days later? I didn’t want to know what she found out about the nephew, someone who I thought is a great person and would make a great husband. I apologized for not living up to her expectations and hoped she would find luck with another shadchan. The mother had the audacity to ask me to try again.
I won’t bore you with the details, but that was the last time I spoke with the woman or her daughter. It is so frustrating. I told her I couldn’t help, and she knew she guilted me into it. She dealt with me in a very off-putting way. And by the way, I should be dealing with your 40-year-old daughter, not her mommy. The daughter never called or texted. Her mother did. I’m the one who contacted the daughter.
I guess I’m writing to you to vent. I want to help. But I know what I am capable of. That is why I stick with people in my life. The mother made me feel guilty about everything from start to finish. Guilty that I wouldn’t help her daughter. Guilty that it was taking too long. Guilty that I found someone she thought was so beneath her daughter (which he isn’t). Her words are running through my head. Advice to people who are in need of the help of a shadchan: We are not your employees and work when you want us to. Please respect us when we say that we have no one who is shayach for you or your child or whoever else. The words you use can leave a mark on someone, and after she said that, she expected something better from me; it hurt. I tried. I did my best. But this is not how to get someone to help you. Be nice. Just be nice and not pushy. It almost makes me not want to even attempt to try this ever again even with someone I know. Her tone, her language, and her words hurt.
Ruchy
*****
Thank you for your email, Ruchy.
In my opinion, you did everything correctly. You tried to turn her away; then when she “guilted” you into helping, you told her not to get her hopes up. You promised nothing. And it seems that you did find her daughter someone that sounds like a catch (on paper). Yes, words hurt. And yes, people asking for help from others should treat them well – “You get more bees with honey than with vinegar.”
On the other hand, I can understand the desperation of a mother who wants to help her daughter. I don’t like the tactic she used to have you help her and her daughter and how she spoke to you. And I’m strictly going by what you wrote about your communications with her. And I agree, at 40, you should be speaking to shadchanim, not sending or even allowing your parent to do it on your behalf. If you’re new to the shidduch world and young, I can understand parents helping out. But after a year or two, you should be mature enough to deal with this on your own.
As I always say, words count. Listen to others. If someone says she can’t help, let her be. You don’t know her capabilities better than she does, and if she does help, don’t insult the choice she chooses. She obviously chose him/her for a reason. Let’s not start getting nasty with each other when all we are all trying to do is to help the singles become part of a married couple.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
