Dear Goldy:

I’m a mother and grandmother. I have married off all of my children k”h, and now my grandchildren are beginning to walk down the aisle. I’m mature with experience. I’ve been there and done that in all my years. I read your columns and know what (some) of my children had to do in order to get married. We all jumped through hoops. I’m giving this introduction to show that I didn’t just land from outer space and am misinterpreting the scene that unfolded before me the other night.

My husband and I were out to dinner with friends in a nice restaurant. Other tables were occupied by groups of friends, business associates, families, couples, etc. Some of those couples were on dates. It was quite obvious when you know the signs to look for. I was paying attention to body language and facial expressions.

There were more than a few couples on dates at the restaurant. Some of them seemed like they were on their first or second date and others looked like they knew each other well. Right before we left, the woman from the table next to us excused herself from the table. I assume it was to use the powder room. While she was away, the man called a friend to ask about another woman whom he wanted to date. I don’t know exactly what was said, because there was a lot of background noise, but he was saying, “Is she free yet? Can you get me an in with her.” At the end of the call, he added, “I’m on a one and done date. She’s in the bathroom.” My girlfriend and I were shocked. However, I am not sure if we were shocked about how he casually asked about another woman while on a date with someone else (out of earshot, thank goodness) or if he had already made up his mind about the young lady he was with. The couple had just arrived minutes earlier, and she had excused herself right after they placed their order. I can’t imagine they had been together more than an hour or so, and he was already moving on.

I feel that this is one of the issues that our singles face: Some singles treat dating like a game, as if they can get off and on a carousel. They aren’t paying attention to the people they are with and trying to get to know them, if they are already thinking of the “next one.” It doesn’t seem like they take dating seriously. They’ll give someone a 15/20-minute window to “impress me,” and if the person fails, it’s like the king calling, “Next!” My heart went out to the woman when she came back to the table and resumed her date, not knowing she was already rejected.

What do you have to say about this?

Linda/Leah Katz

 *****

Thank you for your email, Leah/Linda.

I can definitely see this scenario playing out. I’ve seen and heard worse when one party goes to the powder room/smoke break, leaving the second party at the table alone. I’ve written about this topic before; I compared it to iPads and iPhones, where, if you don’t like what you’re seeing, you scroll down/left/right. If people are used to doing that, what will they do in real life when they can’t scroll the person they are with away? This is real life – the exciting and boring parts together!

I know what you mean by reading a couples’ body language in order to determine if they are in the beginning phase of a relationship or are further along – and it’s not if they share an appetizer! Sharing an appetizer is not like drinking out of one milkshake with two straws. A milkshake doesn’t cost $25-plus, and then you have a $50-$70 entree. Sharing an appetizer is cost-effective!

I once wrote that when I was single, I met a woman I was acquainted with (friend of a friend whom I only saw at single events) and she asked me if I was in a serious relationship. I thought that was a bold question of her to ask of someone whom she didn’t really know (unless this was her way of finding out that I’m available for someone she may have in mind). When I asked why she wanted to know, she explained that the week before she had seen me and a date (my husband), and the vibe she was getting was that we had been dating for a long time. When I asked how, she responded, “You hardly spoke with each other. Both of you were on your phones and looking up when talking with each other.” Yes, Linda, everyone reads others in restaurants. But it’s true. Just from her looking at us, facial expressions, demeanor, she deduced that “this is a couple.” Unfortunately for her, she said that she was on her second date with someone and ended it when he dropped her off at home.

Yes, I feel that some singles dismiss others as if they are trying to figure out what outfit to wear, “Hmmm, no not that one. It doesn’t lie right on me. This one? Ugh? It has a stain, and I didn’t take it to the cleaners. Okay. Yeah, I like this one. It’ll work. I can make it work with accessorizing.” The accessorizing that I am referring to here is when one person thinks, “He/She will be perfect once I change ___ about them.”

Yet, we still hear, “There aren’t quality guys/girls out there. I have a son/daughter/niece/nephew who is great. He/she is just looking for someone normal, but you should hear about the disasters he/she goes out with.” As you all know, I had my fair share of bad and horrendous dates, and usually I knew within the first ten minutes if it would be a “one and done.” It was by watching them interact with my mother, a”h. She always asked about there “being traffic” while driving to our house. Then, I’d notice how he stood, how he walked, what we spoke about while walking to the car.” And, yes, there were times when I wasn’t sure about a fellow, so I would be encouraged to go out again, “Just to make sure. Just try it; maybe he was having an off night last time.” So, I went out again just to “make sure.”

But as I wrote, and did, and like many do now, I double- and triple-dated. Only for the first two dates. I never dated two men after a second date – my reasoning made sense: I went six months without one call. Then in two days, I get three calls, and you can’t say, “I’m busy now,” because he/they will move on to the next name on the list. So, I can go out with someone for a few hours, try to get to know him, and then decide. I wasn’t going to lose two potential Mr. Rights because this shadchan called an hour before the other one! Plus, I had been having a drought. This was a flash flood!

I have heard from a friend that she found out that the man she had been dating (for more than two dates) was dating another woman at the same time. My friend was “so over it.” She would expect behavior like this from a 23- or 25-year-old. But she was dating men close to the age of 45. How do you know if you find a quality person if you’re busy trying to remember names, not mixing up conversations? How much of “test run” did he need with both before he decided that “I really like her. I have to break things off with ____.” It’s not right in my opinion.

Linda/Leah, my quick answer is: I don’t like what he did and that others were able to hear him. It’s a bad scene – trying to get a date with someone else while your current date steps away. And it sounded like he didn’t even know the other woman so well. Concentrate on who you’re with while you’re with them. If it’s the beginning of the date, you don’t know enough about the person to know that she’s not for you. At this point, you’re basing the decision on aesthetics. Again, look at celebrities and “regular couples” where you think one spouse looks better, has a better personality than their spouse. It may be true that he/she may be a perfect ten, and the spouse: not so much. But he/she didn’t judge a book by its cover. There is more than what’s on the surface. But being someone who has been there and done that, I can understand why he did it. I can only hope that the young woman mirrored his feelings at the end of the evening, so no feelings get hurt on either side.

Everyone should remember that words count. They have power. When someone says, “There aren’t any quality guys out there,” what are you referring to by the word “quality”? Is there only the imperfect, damaged, cheap-material singles out there? Just having that thought affects the way you look at and feel towards someone. Yes, adjectives are nice, but someone can be influenced the wrong way if they interpret your adjective in a negative. I can only wish all singles (and marrieds) hatzlachah.

Hatzlachah to you all.


Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.