It’s been said that reality is based on perception. Or, said differently, we don’t live in a world of reality; we live in a world of perceptions. What I perceive I am experiencing – what I perceive that I see and hear – becomes my reality, whether I have misread the situation or not.
On November 23, 1951, the Dartmouth football team played Princeton at Princeton’s Palmer Stadium. Aside from the fact that Dartmouth and Princeton represented a great rivalry, it was the final game of a season in which Princeton had gone undefeated. It was a rough game, marred by fights, penalties, and injuries. Tempers flared during and after the match; Dartmouth had been penalized 70 yards and Princeton 25. In the end, Princeton won the game, but students at each school accused the opposing team of a lack of sportsmanship.
The varied student opinions motivated an illuminating experiment that demonstrated how polarized perceptions can influence what people are convinced they saw. Students from each school were shown a video of the game and asked to judge the number of infractions committed by each side.
On average, Dartmouth students counted 4.3 infractions committed by their own team and 4.4 by their opponents, reflecting their belief that while the game was intense, the aggressiveness was balanced. The Princeton students, however, claimed Dartmouth committed 9.8 infractions, while their own team had only 4.2. This confirmed their feeling that Dartmouth had resorted to dirty tactics to stay even with their undefeated rivals. Everyone had viewed the same footage, but each group perceived the penalties based entirely on their team allegiance.
Our family has been blessed to spend many summers at Camp Dora Golding (CDG). The official Camp Dora Golding t-shirt is bright orange with the camp logo emblazoned on the front. It is quite noticeable from a distance, which is exactly the point. During every camp trip day, all campers and staff wear these shirts to make them conspicuous. When we go to a baseball game, the section of orange shirts is noticeable from anywhere in the stadium. When we visit a theme park, the orange seems to be everywhere.
A few summers ago, we visited Hershey Park. At one point during the day, two visitors noticed my orange CDG shirt and asked where our campus was located and what kind of camp it was. They then asked how many thousands of campers we had brought to the park that day. They were surprised when I laughed and explained that Camp Dora Golding is a large camp of about 600 campers, but certainly not thousands. I realized that because they had seen orange shirts in every area of the park and in every line for every ride, their perception was that there must have been far more “orange shirts” than actually existed.
It reminded me of a similar anecdote related by my rebbi, Rabbi Berel Wein zt”l. Years ago, he and his wife were part of a tour visiting Norway. The group was composed of about 20 Israeli teens, Rabbi Wein and his wife, and a WASP couple. Rabbi Wein noted that he couldn’t help but feel bad for the other couple. They didn’t know what to do with themselves on a bus full of animated, Hebrew-speaking Israelis chewing sunflower seeds and emphatically announcing their opinions for all to hear.
At one stop, they were at a Norwegian fjord atop a mountain overlooking a breathtaking panorama. The husband of the other couple stood near Rabbi Wein and asked, “You’re Jewish, correct?” When Rabbi Wein nodded, the man asked, “About how many Jews are there in the world?” As Rabbi Wein contemplated his response, the man added, “There must be about a billion, no?” Rabbi Wein noted that his immediate thought was that the man was being derisive. But when he looked at the man’s face, he saw he was entirely serious.
Rabbi Wein mused that he realized then that the average non-Jew thinks there are a billion Jews in the world because we make the “noise” of a billion people. The Jewish people are forever in the headlines and always at the center of world conversation and politics. Rabbi Wein would finish the story by quipping, “He thinks there are as many Jews as there are Christians or Muslims. Go tell them you can’t get a minyan for Minchah.”
Perception truly creates reality.
This concept is also important to bear in mind as parents. Children’s misbehavior often creates a far greater negative impression than good behavior creates a positive one. If a child behaves well, parents often don’t notice; but when the child misbehaves or is aggressive, the parents notice immediately. At times, parents can have a perception that their child is a “troublemaker,” when in reality the behavior is age-appropriate.
The same is true in marriage. When spouses misperceive each other’s actions or words, it can result in a bitter, rancorous relationship. This concept even applies to our perceptions of ourselves. When we are trying to grow in any area, we often become frustrated by setbacks. We fail to appreciate our progress because it feels overshadowed by a single mishap. While we must be aware of our failures, we must also be cognizant of our growth, which, although subtle, is far more profound.
One of the greatest virtues our sages bequeathed to us is that of perspective. The Gemara trains us to always consider the opposite possibility in understanding a concept. The sages viewed everything through an eternal lens that considers not only what is, but also the long-term ramifications of every action. Sometimes things we are sure of may not be the way we perceive them. Having a truthful perspective entails self-reflection and the ability to listen to the perspectives of others. Otherwise, one may be living in a reality that isn’t very real at all.
Rabbi Dani Staum is a popular speaker, columnist, and author. He is a rebbi in Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, New Jersey, principal of Mesivta Orchos Yosher in Spring Valley, New York, and a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding. His writings can be found at strivinghigher.com. Looking for an inspirational speaker or scholar-in-residence? Contact Rabbi Staum at 845-641-5094 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
