When was the last time you lost your temper? Did your friend just push some well-known buttons about your body image? Did he yet again make a wisecrack about your mother? Did she slam your career choice yet again?
Perhaps you got swallowed up in fear of embarrassment or even humiliation by them. Believe it or not, some folks actually look for arguments as a way of appeasing their own inner discomfort. Maybe that is why he irritated and even provoked you.
We don’t always know the true psychological motivations at play. He may not even have a genuine complaint against you. He might just feel overwhelmed and is looking for a way to expel his anger into you. Then again, they say: behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
But honestly, how do you get rid of what you can call your emotional waste? Do you ever egg her on or instigate a fight over a triviality? Very often we humans do this to distract ourselves from our own inner conflicts or sadness.
She may be trying to rescue herself from some overpowering feelings. You asked him a hundred times not to mention a certain thing and there he goes again. She appears to be deliberately slow in getting ready this time. Trust me that he or she may just be in a very bad way at this time.
Is fighting with your partner your cardio? Do not answer the invitation to argue, please. It was once said: I am so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On the one hand, he does the laundry. On the other hand, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids. But seriously, keep your voice steady and do not resort to defensiveness or name-calling. We all need to learn healthier ways to repair our wounds. Fights can become quite bitter and biting.
“All I know is that one of us is right, and the other one is you.” Uh oh. We simply cannot eliminate arguing with loved ones altogether, however. So what kind of disagreement is it alright to have? When confronted by her, it is tempting to react with equal force. Please do not try to hurt her back. Sulking, slamming doors, and shouting will surely not make her behave more lovingly.
Practice saying these simple words to those whom you trust: “I feel very hurt.” It may feel embarrassing, even mortifying, but being able to show your vulnerable side is what true love and friendship are all about.
We all yearn for connection and want to feel emotionally safe as well. When you feel offended by her, be dignified. Tell him that you feel so hurt by someone you put your emotional trust in. Do not try to hurt her back. That will simply set off a cycle of attack and counterattack.
Someone once said: the best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. But truly, when you argue, both of you may truly feel discouraged and downtrodden. It isn’t the trivial misunderstanding that created the fight. It’s that you both feel misunderstood and possibly even unloved.
Learn how to calmly admit how you genuinely feel, sweet friends. You may be quite strong and capable, but in the arena of relationships we are all truly vulnerable. If you are committed enough to love someone, then be brave and mature enough to share your true emotions.
Yes, anger is a natural response to hurt. But how do you deal with this emotion, sweet friends? Please stop tormenting yourself with negative thoughts.
Anger arises when you have a fear of getting hurt. Being angry does not make you bad. It is a signal to help you prevent someone from hurting you again. But you must deal with it in a healthy way. And you know what they say: why do married people live longer than single people? It’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.
But honestly, do not lose touch with your feelings by repressing them. Instead, see what they are trying to tell you. And bear in mind: it’s been said, “Don’t teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.” And know that anger is always more harmful than the insult that caused it.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.