On Sunday evening, July 31, Let’s Get Real With Coach Menachem Bernfeld featured a virtual shiur by Rabbi Dov Brezak, famous Jewish educator and author.
Rabbi Brezak acknowledged that we are living in difficult times right before Mashiach, when kids are telling their parents what to do. “Chinuch is very individual,” he taught. You have to teach a generation according to its characteristics. Chutzpah today is unprecedented! He explained that the most critical piece is that you have to do what works. You have to try new ideas to produce better results.
He shared the midrash in Sefer Sh’mos that there was a giant frog during the second makah in Mitzrayim, and the more the Egyptians hit it, the more frogs came out of its mouth. There is no point in continuing to do the same thing that is not working. ”Our goal is to get you to stop hitting the frog.” You work with your child and see what works for him.
Rav Elyah Lopian taught that chutzpah is needed today because in the time of Mashiach you will need chutzpah to be able to stand up against evil. We want to channel that chutzpah and we want to get kids to want to respect us. Today there is no respect for authority.
“It is possible in our time to have your kids want to respect you.” He shared that when you overpower a young child, your child may be building up resentment. Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky taught that if you overpower a six- or seven-year-old, he will get back at you later.
“You want respect, not compliance, against your child’s will.”
He taught that imposing consequences should not be the first thing you do. This is a sign of weakness on the adult’s part.
Sometimes, looking away is the best thing to do. You have to see if that makes the behavior better or worse. Sometimes you have to do something. Our goal is to improve chutzpah to make it go away.
You need to ask your child with confidence and in a calm low voice. Sometimes, you have to keep repeating yourself. Be firm and be confident that you know he will listen.
The societal attitude is: Don’t tell me what to do; I want what I want.
Parents are perceived as enemies if they won’t let kids get what they want. We have seen adults who have resentment that their parents never disciplined them.
There are certain times when parents need to be assertive. It is important to be warm and to give unconditional love, but you need discipline, as well. The biggest mistake is to just let kids do what they want.
Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv said that in our times we should not hit children. Rabbi Brezak said that you have to know which type of child you are dealing with and what will work with this child. Working well means the child is good with you. He then explained a formula for discipline called AIG2:
A – Does the child accept the discipline?
I – Does the child improve from it?
G – Is he good with you?
2 – Is he good with himself?
Rabbi Brezak taught: “There are children waiting for their parents to discipline them.” He explained that the question is not where chutzpah comes from, but rather, what makes it bigger or smaller?
With the adage, “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” the type of rod changes with the generation.
When we talk about what will work with the child, this means: Is the child good with you? Does your child still have a loving relationship with you after the discipline?
He explained that when we say it works with the child, that means the child is good with you.
If you see that a child responds well to discipline, do it. At the same time, discipline today is done differently. Screaming, criticizing, etc. doesn’t work today.
The first step is to be assertive. Then there are the three C’s: Calm, Confident, and Consistent. You can repeat what you want the child to do over and over again.
There are two types of children: the accepting child and the fighting child.
Rav Aharon Yehuda Leib Shteinman taught that chinuch is measured by its good results. If it works, then you have a good relationship with your child. If it doesn’t work, then change it.
If you are dealing with a rebellious child, you can’t overpower him. Even if you win with him, you lose. Boundaries may not work with him.
“Don’t do what doesn’t work. It makes things worse.” It takes time to figure out what works.
He explained that children under four need 40-percent conditioning. You can’t explain things to him. You need to force, and you need consequences. You have to be firm and consistent. You don’t need to be harsh, but you need to force him. Children ages five through twelve need 20-percent discipline, ages 12-15 ten-percent, and ages 15-18 zero.
Having children is a selfless act. Today, parents need guidance, classes, and books. He said it’s important, of course, to ask Hashem for help.
He noted that it is powerful when someone doesn’t react to chutzpah. Kids have antennae to see if you lose your temper.
He said it takes two to fight. A child acts with chutzpah and you kiss him. This can be very effective.
After years of negativity, you have to build up your bank account with deposits. Keep putting in deposits with positive reinforcers and compliments, etc. Avoid making withdrawals like screaming, etc.
Rav Shteinman taught that chutzpah is a symptom. Every child wants you to accept him and to love him.
Rabbi Brezak taught that besides putting in reactive work, you need to put in proactive work. More than anything, show your child that you are on his side. Show your child you love him.
Do things little by little to break the ice if there is a lot of negativity. In a public situation, if a child is calling you names and you don’t react, that shows respect to the child. It shows him that he can’t push your buttons. If this is ongoing, deal with it later. Remember to ask yourself, are you here to impress others or to succeed with your child?
Wait ten seconds before you react. This allows time for your seichel to kick in. Thinking can change everything.
“If you respect your kids, then they will respect you.”
He also shared that sometimes chutzpah can be diffused by laughing at it.”
Teach little children with stories about tzadikim. Sometimes you have to apply what he calls first-aid, which is a temporary solution to an immediate problem in order to resolve it without making it worse.
He shared that “we see if you do it differently, your kids will respect you, and change will happen over time.”
By Susie Garber
