I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been approached and told, “I have a shidduch story just as bad as one of yours.” I’m not in a competition. I’m not trying to be the one with the all-time worst dating experiences. I will gladly hand that crown or scepter to another.
Many emailed me when my book was published, or they would approach me when I was a guest speaker at a venue and tell me some of their tales. I can honestly say that no one who spoke or wrote to me was crying about their experiences. They felt that this one particular bad experience brought them closer to their zivug or gave them a new outlook on life. I was glad to hear that. Many times, I found their stories even more amusing than my own. As I’ve mentioned many times, I really enjoy reading the letters that I receive on Facebook as well as through email. That being said, I will print some of the experiences shared by readers — with their permission, of course.
Goldy,
I find your articles very interesting and entertaining. I like to hear about the dating perspective from the female view. Most of the time, I find that I agree with your opinions. I, too, share some very odd stories. I have one particular dating story that didn’t even involve a date! To make a long story very short, on the way to pick up a girl, I got lost. I called the girl about twenty minutes before I was supposed to arrive and told her I was lost, but I would try to get there as soon as I was able to. She was very understanding. When I finally arrived at her house, her father opened the door. He commented that he was impressed that I had the forethought to call ahead of time to tell his daughter that I would be late. Then he asked how I was able to find my way. I told him that I had a GPS. He then asked me if I asked anyone if what I was wearing was appropriate for the date.
I was confused. I was dressed well. I’m not twenty or twenty-five; I don’t go out on dates in a suit or hat anymore. I was wearing a nice shirt, matching slacks, and expensive shoes. I asked the father if something was wrong. He said he didn’t want his daughter dating such a “modern guy.” His daughter is in her mid-thirties. The shadchan shared my information with his daughter. I spoke with his daughter on the phone. Nothing seemed off. We asked and answered questions to try to get to know one another. What did the father expect? I told him in a respectful way that I thought I was dressed very well for a relaxing evening with his daughter and that his daughter knew what type of person I was. The father said that he wasn’t impressed and would have to get more involved with his daughter’s dating life. He apologized for me wasting my time, but I wasn’t what he was looking for in terms of marrying his daughter.
He wished me a good night and closed the door in my face. Can you believe that? I stood there for a minute, confused. But then I got into my car and called his daughter. First, it went to voicemail. I waited a few minutes because I imagined what was happening in the house: the father speaking with his daughter. The second time I called, she picked up. She apologized for what had just happened and didn’t know what “got into my dad.” B’kitzur, we didn’t go out that night, and I told the shadchan that I didn’t want to date her because I don’t need to get involved with a girl whose father already has an issue with me before he even met or got to know me.
Maybe I just passed up my bashert, but I don’t think so. We only spoke once. The conversation was fine. Nothing drew me to her. I didn’t feel like I had to defend myself or my style or hashkafah to her father. I’m close to forty! This just seems like trouble before anything even begins. I don’t need the extra stress. I don’t need my shver to love me, but to have issues with me before I even date his daughter? No, thank you.
Thank you,
Meir S.
Meir, thank you for your email. I really can’t believe that happened! You were kind and thoughtful by calling ahead of time to warn your date that you would be delayed, and yet when you arrived, the father turned you away because of your clothes. It sounded like you dressed well. I have heard it all, or at least I thought I had until now! I know you spend life with your spouse and not their family/parent, but this is a little too much for even me. Isn’t it better knowing now what type of father-in-law you could have had and appreciating the one you will have — who I am sure will appreciate your consideration and style?
It sounds like something a father would do for a much younger daughter — and even then, he shouldn’t comment on your fashion. Things like that should be up to the woman: Does she like your style or not? Not her daddy. The very first time I dated my husband, I remember my mother telling me when I got home, “He coordinated really well.” To this day, my husband and I refer to what he wore as “autumn colors”: a mix of browns, oranges, and burnt reds. My mother and sister like my husband’s style. But I’m the only one that counts. And sometimes, I like him best when he’s wearing an old sweatshirt and jeans. I’m sorry the girl lost out on finding out about you because of her father and his backward way of thinking.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
