What could be a better title for this time of year? If you’re like me, you’re constantly making lists every week about errands or what to shop for. Others make lists only when the Yomim Tovim come around; this way they remember what to buy, how many of it, who to invite for what meal... But yes, this time of year, many people make a Chanukah list - whether it be whom to invite for the party, what to make, who’s making what, and what to buy for whom (but there’s no reason to break the bank over Chanukah gifts. I’m not here to lecture about that). While you all may be thinking that I’m referring to that type of list, I’m not. It’s the list of prerequisites people have for whom they choose to date.
Yes, that topic again. I like reminding everyone that I “threw away my list,” and look where I ended up: married with two children. I’m not saying that if you throw away your lists the same will happen for you, but maybe you’ll open yourself up to people you never imagined dating and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find your zivug that way. Again, many traits my husband has were not on my list of “He Must Have...” In fact, being a smoker was definitely not on the list, but there I was, engaged to a smoker - and now married to an ex-smoker. Hashem saw my list and still put us together, and I realized, I like this guy.
I’m not saying not to have standards and to date everyone you’re redt to. Have standards, but make the standards - aka prerequisites - realistic. Remember, you’re a mature grown-up. Now act like one and take ridiculous items off your list—half of which you won’t know whether he or she has until you get to know them. Example: “Ugly feet.” Unless you’re both wearing flip flops on the first date or going for pedicures, how are you going to know if this person has “fugly” feet? You can’t know. You find out when you’re too far into the relationship to break up over something as silly as “ugly feet.” Recommend a good podiatrist or fungal medication and learn to live with it.
My niece sent me a video on Instagram and said, “For your column.” I’m sure others have seen the video, but in case you haven’t: There are two girls, I’d put them somewhere in the 17–25 age range. One said that another friend had just texted her “the list of prerequisites the guy has to have in order for her to date him.” The friend will not date a man who has any of the following “negative male traits.” In fact, the video was called “Negative Male Traits.”
Let’s take a look at some of these:
- Calling parents “Mommy” and “Daddy”
- Having his profile on a dating app
- Only having sisters and no brothers (You’re blaming someone for something he had no control over. I guess the girl thought that the boy must’ve been treated like a prince and she didn’t want to treat her boyfriend or husband well - or princely.)
- Asking to connect to Wi-Fi in an Uber (I don’t understand that one.)
- Not liking sushi
- Playing multiple instruments
- Being pale
- Being late. (This I can understand, but is my husband always on time? Am I always on time, no matter how much I try?)
- Playing air guitar. (Not sure why this is a dealbreaker.)
- Not giving compliments. (This I can understand as well, but again, you won’t know this until you get to know someone and realize, “Hey, he/she never compliments me.”)
There were a few others, but I hope you can see my point. In case you can’t: These are reasons not to date someone and not to consider marrying them? Ask any married person in the world - pick a country, pick a city, pick a male or female - and ask: Do you like everything about your spouse? I can probably count on one hand the number of people who would answer, “Yes. I love everything about him/her.” I’m sure they love the way he never puts his dirty socks in the hamper or how she leaves her makeup or perfume bottles out all the time, or how he never offers help with the dishes, or how she never fills the car with gas and lets the arrow reach E.
If you’re looking for the perfect person who will live up to your standards or meet your prerequisites, I suggest you buy a one-bedroom or studio apartment because you will never find that person. Even the people who act so proper and perfect on dates let some of their polish get scuffed up once you get married. Yes, I used to wake up early and put on makeup in the first weeks of married life. But then again, my husband would have to find out sometime what I looked like under three inches of concealer, blush, contouring... and to tell you the truth, he knew what I was doing and laughed about it. And I know for a fact that I found out something about my husband after we were married that I wasn’t thrilled about, but I have learned to live with it and actually don’t mind it after all this time. It happens.
I think people who are so specific and rigid and stick to their “rules” just haven’t found the right person they’d be willing to bend a rule for, or throw it out altogether. There’s a reason why people say and sing, “Love makes you do crazy things.” I can fill pages with what people told me they never wanted to do as singles but now do as part of a married couple because it means something to their spouse.
Want to stick to your list? Then don’t date, because you’re wasting everyone’s time: the shadchan, the fellow, his mother, and your mother (for hoping this could be the one). Plus, if it’s a traditional date, then the fellow is spending at least a couple of dollars of his hard-earned money for drinks or a parking garage or dinner or something. But because you saw that he eats his layer cake layer by layer and doesn’t dig in and eat pieces of all seven layers together, you think, “Well, he must be deranged. No way I can like or love someone like this.” You have no business dating until you mature. You may look like an adult on the outside, but inside you’re still the same ten-year-old you were when you were ten.
Have standards. But be realistic. How can playing air guitar or asking for a Wi-Fi password make someone undatable? Want someone to have an education, be outgoing and not shy... fine. But then again, you may like someone who listens to you all the time instead of trying to cut you off in order to one-up you. But you’ll never know unless you go out with him.
All I’m asking is that your prerequisites be real and mean something - that they have an impact on what type of spouse this person will be or what type of parent this person can be to your children. I don’t know about the “friend” in the video. It sounds like she may have a pretty hard time finding someone to live up to all that (some of which isn’t in his control). Wouldn’t it be funny, though, if she found someone who met all her prerequisites, but she didn’t meet his, and because of that, they didn’t date. Don’t forget, you’re not the only one judging another. They are judging you. Be as kind to them as you would want them to be kind to you.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
