Have you noticed how some friends make you feel boring, drab, and dry, while others make you feel interesting, entertaining, and engaging? They say the best part of procrastination is that you are never bored—you are always panicked at the last second. But seriously, in the company of some friends, your mind quickly fills with stories and jokes. With others, you experience yourself as dull and dreary, lacking excitement.
She just asked you, “What’s new?” and you are brimming with a multitude of topics and updates. When he asks, you struggle to even remember the day of the week, let alone a cool or witty answer.
What is this strange phenomenon, you ask? The truth is that when you are around others, you are continually picking up small clues as to how well they are listening to you, and how much they enjoy or appreciate what you share with them.
Who do you feel genuinely accepts you? Did he just light up when you walked into the room? How much of your trauma or pain is safely received by her? Underneath it all, you wonder: How much of me does she really get?
If he really doesn’t get you, your intuition may tell you to simply stay quiet. You may notice that when you are around certain friends, you always seem to have a lot to say and share. You feel safe enough with special loved ones to share your pain, loss, and even harrowing things you often dare not think about.
There may be rooms in your mind that you are afraid to enter. But with a trusted friend or loved one, you can become more at ease with things that are depressing and disheartening. If you are at home with your own darkness or loss, you can be at home with his as well.
If you need help opening some doors within yourself, please seek support. There is no shame in that, sweet friends. Learn the origins of how you feel and behave. Do a small inventory, if you will. Do you have trouble trusting others? Do you have healthy self-respect?
Instead of judging what you observe and saying things like, “Why can’t I be more like him?”—simply observe. When you were a child, was it safe to trust others? Were you made to feel proud of your accomplishments?
Ponder why it feels threatening to be too vulnerable with certain people in your life. Perhaps she is obsessively jealous of you. Maybe he has a bad temper and says hurtful things on occasion. Perhaps she never truly listens. Then again, nowadays, listening to music has become a socially acceptable way to be antisocial.
What we need as protective strategies when we are young become problems later in our lives. Are you young at heart but, ahem... older in other places? I get it. You know what they say: Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
But truly, we must one day wake up and explore the cause of those strategies. You need not continue your loyalty to past tactics that served to protect you. It’s okay to trust now. You need not fail simply to avoid her anger or jealousy any longer.
Please do not ruin your own happiness, sweet friends. Do not become your own barrier. This will truly undermine your efforts to build the life you always dreamed of. Do not believe the negative self-beliefs in your head that tell you, “You’re destined to stay single forever,” or “You will never get that dream job, and if you do, you will fail.”
Change the mental playlist that is playing in your brain. If you believe that you are a failure, you will surely behave in a way to prove to yourself that you were right all along. Your behavior should always align with your core values. What are they?
After all, it’s been said: If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Woodmere. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
