How do you deal with the dispiriting and demoralizing moments in your own development? None of us can be permanently cheerful or carefree. You may lose direction or even inspiration at times. Have you ever felt numb or deadened inside?
It may frighten you to feel so detached and disconnected. Please take reassurance, sweet friends. Things may seem quite dead and lifeless in the winter, but it is simply a prelude to new life in the spring. We, too, may have to recharge ourselves. As they say: If your ship doesn’t come in. Swim out to it.
Make peace with your restlessness. Y’all know it’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in water with socks on.
Do you know what is missing in your life at this time? You may be beset with trauma and have trust issues. You might feel chronically anxious about work. Then again, working at an unemployment office has to be a tense job, knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. But please hold onto this truth. We humans all need a sense of belonging and community.
Who do you feel connected to? It is a relatively new historical phenomenon to live alone, work in cubicles with people whose values you do not even share. You know what they say: Cubicles are just padded cells without doors.
But seriously, humans are wired to be tribal. Try to put a finger on what you truly miss. Is it intimacy, or a sense of connection with others? Oh, and if you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
We all need others whom we feel very connected to. You know a relationship should be 50/50. I pick the movie; you get the snacks. I fall asleep; you watch it alone. Sheesh. Perhaps you were told that your mate will provide an answer to all of your needs. You need to manage your expectations, sweet friends. No one can be everything to you.
You may sublimate that unquenched emotional need for a best friend into a yearning for extreme success or public approval and acknowledgment. Perhaps you are ashamed to admit that you need assistance or a helping hand at times. You met him via ZOOM and not in person. Sigh. We pride ourselves for living in such technologically innovative times. Yet despite your 2,000 apps, you cannot reinvent how it feels to be with her in the same room, looking into her eyes.
Describe your picture-perfect friend, your ideal community. Would it include a commitment to look after each other? How does it feel when you spend time with those who have shared values and ideas about life?
It may actually seem enough to feel accepted or even beloved by your own tribe. The modern world with all its trappings causes a high level of anxiety. Our culture preaches that the individual and his achievements are everything. Do you celebrate the quiet heroism of all the people who made it possible for you to succeed in life?
Appreciate a good, ordinary life, sweet friends. Put all your mishaps and misadventures into perspective. Find something humbling, please. Gaze up at the vastness of the cosmos and the twinkling stars tonight. It’s been said: According to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought, particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. But truly, sit near the ocean or simply listen to some uplifting and soul-stirring music.
Our loved ones or partners may be wonderful in some ways, but no doubt are also difficult and demanding in other ways. Indeed, a relationship should be 50/50. You take out the trash, I applaud your heroic effort. But truly, ask her what she needs from you to feel loved. And you know what they say: A good woman is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened – if you had just listened to her.
But honestly, the media constantly directs your attention to things that frighten, alarm, and intimidate you. It attracts the least favorable side of human nature by angering, discouraging, and discomforting us. It simply generates resentment or outrage, instead of presenting us with fair solutions to our problems.
Your insights should simply come from your life and personal experiences. Feeling needy and imperfect is an inescapable part of the human condition. Your true friends will encourage you to share your real doubts and vulnerabilities.
So, support each other, sweet friends. Who you are, who you were, and who you can be are three different people. Spread joy, please. It’s been said: “The best thing to do with the best things in life…is to give them away.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
