QJL Columnists Hold Partisan Debate

Following the much-discussed forum at the Boca Raton Synagogue last month, where opinion columnists Yair Rosenberg and Ben Shapiro debated each other on anti-Semitism, the Young Israel of West Hempstown hosted its own event, where Moshe Hill and Sergey Kadinsky discussed last year’s political earthquake that awarded all Congressional seats on Long Island to the Republicans, the upcoming presidential elections, and Governor Kathy Hochul’s proposal to upzone the suburbs to accommodate demand for more housing.

“People are tired of politics, and I am not surprised that the room was empty,” said YIWH board member and fellow columnist Izzo Zwiren. “There was really no need for this event; it wasn’t my idea to have it.”

The lack of attendance at the event was underscored by the absence of their wives and children, who opted to stay home and focus on more important matters. “We have to prepare mishloach manos for classmates, neighbors, and friends,” Keren Iryna Kadinsky said. “These things don’t pack themselves.”

Yuliya Dykman Hill was also at home preparing the Purim seudah, while the Kadinsky and Hill children played together. “Moshe is into politics, I am not.”

Undaunted, Hill and Kadinsky live-streamed the event on their social media channels, receiving a couple dozen likes and a handful of retweets. “I do not have a verified checkmark like Yair Rosenberg, or a syndicated column in dozens of newspapers like Shapiro, but every little bit of attention counts,” Kadinsky said.

“As much as I love my party and I can talk elections all day, the men in this shul would rather discuss sports, and there’s not much to discuss right now,” Hill said. The football season is done, and the baseball teams just started spring training.”

Local Leftist Spotted in Yeshivah

Rafael Shimunperes grew up in Kew Gardens Hills surrounded by Jewish life, but since high school he’s used his talent as an organizer and writer to disparage Israel and the Jewish community. “Make no mistake, he’s a troublemaker,” said Dove Hiking, founder of Americans Opposing Anti-Semitism. “Rafael walks hand-in-hand with Linda Soursour and Alexandria Occasional Curtsy. There’s no point talking to him.”

In the past decade, Shimunperes used his social media platform to promote the nonsense of Israel as an apartheid state, campaign for DSA candidates, and undermine yeshivah education. “I have no idea how he became like this,” said Sergey Couldntski. “Especially for a Bukharian Jew. Even a secular Bukharian has some degree of respect for Israel and Jewish traditions. I’m honestly curious to learn how a son of immigrants who fled the Soviet Union could become so enamored with leftism.”

A couple of years ago, Couldntski reached out to Shimunperes in the hope of bringing him back to the fold. “It was a stupid idea; do you really want an enemy of our community to think that we need his support?” asked Jeff Kone, a community activist. “He’s beyond t’shuvah; no way would I ever expect him to recognize Israel.”

Which is why Shimunperes’ appearance at the Kehilat Sephardim Purim Mesibah sent ripples across Kew Gardens Hills. “He came in wearing a sackcloth, the type of burlap bag that our food pantry uses to hold potatoes,” said Rabbi Shlomo Nissanoff. “I wasn’t sure if it was a costume or a man in mourning. Knowing his background, I called for Shmira.”

“We observed the situation, because we did not know why he would attend an Orthodox shul after so many years of ridiculing everything that it stands for,” said Shmira coordinator Shopsy Saferstein. “He seemed to be enjoying the event. Let’s tread carefully.”

When asked for a comment on Shimunperes’ unexpected Purim appearance, Hazaqa founder Rabbi Yaniz Mayor said that there’s a pintele Yid in all Jews. “This lost soul was an ideal poster child for Jewish education. His lack of Jewish knowledge is what led him to become a leftist activist. Now he can serve as the example of t’shuvah.”

Weed Shop Peddling Sushi

With weed shops proliferating across New York, it seemed like only a matter of time before one would sneak onto Main Street by posing as a sushi joint. “A weed shop posing as a sushi place is as deceptive as Joe Camel pretending to be a cartoon character,” said Warren Heck, a civic activist. “The only good thing that I can imagine from this is that young people would mistake the weed for wasabi and just say no. Nobody likes wasabi.”

When asked for a comment, the Vaad HaRabbanim of Quips said that they were not approached by the eatery for a hechsher. “We have not received any calls from this business,” said Rabbi Shmuel Marks. “Perhaps they have one from Tin Cup Kay.”

Leftists Thank Settler Arsonists

Following the arson spree conducted by wild-haired Jewish youths in the Palestinian village of Huwara as revenge for the murder of two brothers from Har Bracha, leftists on social media rejoiced. “All this time we could not speak about Jewish terrorists and Jews committing pogroms,” said New York Timeout columnist Peter Beanart. “Now I can talk about it all day and all night. “Did you see how much damage they caused?”

Usually after a terrorist attack, Israeli soldiers enter a Palestinian village and demolish the homes of terrorists, but this week the unidentified youths with unkempt clothing decided not to wait for officials to do their jobs.

“I know how it feels. I was once a wild-haired nationalist, deemed too wild to serve in the army,” said National Danger Minister Itamar Ben-Gaivah. “But I must caution these youths, our policy is only to destroy the homes of terrorists, not the villagers who cheer them on, serve sweets in front of cameras after an attack, and make festive parades out of funerals.”

Israeli law does not prohibit Palestinians from wildly dancing in the streets after a Jew is murdered. Their right to light fireworks in honor of terrorist attacks is recognized by the United Nations as a legitimate expression of their indigenous culture.

“Along with knafeh, baklava, and olive orchards, songs and dances celebrating the murder of settlers are protected by international law,” said former Human Rights Watch director Ken Rough. “Jews have no right to lift a finger against these oppressed people.”

Station Changes Follow Grand Central Madison

Following the designation of Long Island Rail Road’s new terminal on Manhattan’s East Side as Grand Central Madison, Gov. Kathy Hochul announced the renaming of other major stations with post-millennial children’s names. “It makes sense that the terminal in Brooklyn will now be named Atlantic Terminal Mason, a name that evokes the jars and popular bars that this borough is known for,” she said.

The name was quickly slammed by commuters as a distraction from the railroad’s scheduling mess that followed the opening of its extension to Grand Central. “Not only do we have fewer trains from Long Island going to Brooklyn, but now we have to put up with this Mason nonsense,” said Wiz Zwiren, who commutes to the city from Steadhemp Gardens. “But it could be worse. At least I’m not stuck in traffic on the Mario Cuomo Bridge.”

 By Serkad Nikadsky