Dear Goldy,
I have done every segulah anyone ever mentioned to me (and my mother). I’ve davened, been to Amukah several times, recited Shir Hashirim for a month several times throughout the past years, and have worn my friends’ jewelry at their chupos. I’ve visited shadchanim up and down the East Coast, in Israel—wherever or whomever I’m told to go to, I go, even to mekubalim. It got so that one of my co-workers told me to find a shadchan in Bermuda so I can take a vacation while trying to find my bashert. There’s nothing I won’t do to try and move on to the next stage of my life. And I do it all with a smile. I haven’t had any terrible dating experiences, but the guys I’m being set up with aren’t right. They’re close, but not right. And no, I don’t say no to everyone. Many times, I have been the heartbroken one when the relationship ends because the guy didn’t see a future with me beside him.
But now I’m upset. I feel misled; I truly believed in what the rav has said. People were repeating his words to me as if they were Hashem’s words to Moshe at Har Sinai. Everyone, even in the secular world, is talking about manifesting what you want. Manifest what you want and... eventually you’ll get it. But I’m not an idiot. I’ve been manifesting becoming a kallah for decades while davened, going to singles events, and reciting tefilos... I’m not relying on a manifestation. If I’m going to win the lottery, I need to buy at least one ticket, right? I buy several tickets. So, when I heard that this rav said to manifest my wedding—have a certain date in mind and do all in my power that by the time that date comes around, I’ll be a kallah or in a serious relationship—I listened.
I don’t believe in snake oil salesmen, or voodoo of any sort. But I have bitachon in Hashem and trust that our rebbeim know something that we, as lay people, may not. So, I picked a date. I chose a date almost a year from that day. I thought it was more than enough time to date a few guys, find the one that’s my bashert, and begin a life together. That day came and passed. Fine, I’m a true believer, so let me choose again. I chose another date. I was already anxious, so I picked a date six months in the future. But that date came and went as well. Yes, I’ve dated, but no one I thought was my bashert, or they didn’t think I was theirs.
I don’t know why, but this hurts the most. There are a thousand segulos. And then there is “when the time is right and not a minute before.” But when a respected rav tells you to manifest a date, see it, picture it, have it planned out... and you do all that and have hope every time there’s a knock at the front door... It’s too much.
You can’t manifest dating and marriage. You can manifest things that involve only yourself; I’ll go in and ask for the promotion, I’ll take the dream vacation I’ve always wanted, I’ll lose twenty pounds... Yes, Hashem is involved, but it’s you and Hashem. Now we’re involving a whole other living, breathing person. Does he have to be manifesting the same date also in order for it to work? There was someone I dated for a while and I thought that this really could be it. But a few weeks before the chosen date, he broke things off with me. That hurt more than anything. Not because I thought, This could be my bashert, but because things were working out; I manifested just like the rav told me to do. I’m doing it all correctly. And it didn’t work. I’m sorry to say, but I even felt a little let down by Hashem for a while. But then I got back up on the horse, picked a new date, and began dating again.
I know rebbeim, shadchanim, and dating coaches... mean well. They only want to see singles married and little babies running around the front yard to prove that Klal Yisroel is growing. And it’s not as if that rav had me buy something and promised a money-back guarantee.... but I got swept up in what he said and it seemed like everyone in my circle was repeating his words. So I did it. And I was let down.
I don’t blame the rav, chas v’shalom. Now that enough time has passed, I know it wasn’t my time. But to fill me, and I’m sure other singles, with so much hope? A new idea: manifest your wedding date, picture the whole thing and make it happen, and yes, it will happen. It was like listening to a motivational speaker. You do not need a motivational speaker in order to date your bashert; you need Hashem, to do your hishtadlus, and have bitachon.
I’m just writing to tell you that it’s so hard when we hear of a new segulah or a new tefilah to say and those in need do it and it seems as if nothing comes of it. Yes, something may come of it down the road, but I manifested a specific date on the calendar. I went on dates, I looked pretty, made conversation, tried not to look bored even if I was.... and I’m still where I was decades ago. Am I a little wiser now? No. Because I took an idea of “think it and it will happen,” and I put my eggs in that basket and I’m still carrying the basket.
Hindy
Thank you for your letter, Hindy.
I am so sorry that you feel you were let down. I’m sorry that you felt this rav had a new idea that hadn’t been thought of before and you followed it to a T and it didn’t work out. It’s more than heartbreaking. I’m sure you lost a little bitachon for a while.... I’m sure that all you wrote is true.
I have no answers. But I do have my own thoughts. I may know which rav you referred to because I may have seen a video of this manifestation speech for a minute or two before I scrolled on. And I thought, “If you build it, they will come.” Singles have been building it and still they (their basherts) have not come. Singles have been davening, going to Amukah, and doing strange and bizarre segulos because they heard once that doing ___ may work. So, they do it. But manifesting isn’t anything new. We’ve been doing it since we were children, but our manifestations became more based in reality than fantasy. No, I wasn’t going to be “an ice cream lady” when I grew up. I wanted to help people, so I majored in psychology. I rethought dyeing my hair purple when I was fourteen because I thought about what the real repercussions would be from my parents and school administrators. I wasn’t going to be a rock star, so I decided to keep my hair color as is....
I think this rav is selling hope. If you hold onto hope and have a specific date and time for when the one thing you want the most will come, then you’ll work extra hard for it in the meantime. You’ll make sure you go out on dates, meet new people, and network with shadchanim... By doing those things alone, you bring your bashert closer. And who is to say that one of the shadchanim you meet in the given time won’t introduce you to your bashert? You’re extra happy, even anxious, looking as good as you can because you’re expecting your bashert any minute, right? So, it may just happen because you’re in the right mindset.
Again, I said I think I saw the video featuring this rav you are referring to, but I’m not sure it was him and I only watched for a minute or two—so no hate mail, please. I’m sure the rav would be hurt if he felt you’ve been hurt by him in any way, when all he was trying to do was to give hope. He’s not a snake oil salesman. Did the rav say, “I promise that on the date you choose, you’ll be a kallah maidel”? He can’t promise that, but I’m sure he sold “manifesting” in a flashy, shiny type of packaging to entice singles to do all they can to help themselves.
Hindy, you’re right and I’ve said it myself too: Dating is one of the first times in life when you’re not the one in charge calling the shots (yes, we know in the greater scheme of it all Hashem is doing it, but you know what I mean). You said it yourself: you chose to ask for a promotion, to go on vacation... Here, a whole other person has to feel the same thing you do at the same time. It’s really like the lottery. Everything has to line up at the right time. And that’s why when you do, iy”h, become a kallah, it will be that much sweeter and happier because you’ve been playing the lottery for decades and invested your whole self into it. It will pay off. When? I don’t know. But thinking happy thoughts, manifesting, davening... is all part of it. Just don’t rely on manifesting as the only way you’ll make it to the chupah on your wedding day.
My heart feels for you. Yes, you’ve been carrying your eggs for a long time. But it’s not for naught. There’ll come a time when it will all click into place and only then may we understand why we went through all we did—or maybe not. Sometimes you don’t know why until you get to Olam Habah where everything is explained. I love your positive attitude. Keep it and don’t lose bitachon, because those two things are worth a lot while dating.
I wish I had better words of wisdom, but this is what I have. You bought what the rav said lock, stock, and barrel, but you needed to add it to your already filled supply closet of what’s keeping you going until you find your bashert.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
