Dear Goldy:
I don’t know what else to do or what to tell people anymore when they ask me the rude question of why I’m not married yet. It’s an obnoxious question; it’s like saying, “What’s wrong with you that no one wants to marry you,” or “Why are you being so picky; the perfect guy doesn’t exist, lower your expectations.” It’s a very personal question. Why don’t I just ask someone why she chose her spouse, “No one else wanted to go out with you?” I’ll switch it up on them and turn the tables. The people who ask the question aren’t even trying to help. They just ask it out of wonder, like my personal life is a general topic of conversation, like the weather or sports.
I’m sick of this. I’ve been going out with guy after guy, and they are not what I’m looking for. I don’t even know why the shadchan even thought this guy and I would match up. Then I think, Is this what they think I’m looking for? This is going to sound bad, but I also think, Is this what they think I am, that I’ll be happy with this person? The guys aren’t bad; they just aren’t my type. It’s not like I think I’m so much better than the guys I go out with. Truthfully, everyone thinks they are better than the person they just had a bad date with. I’m just saying what people are thinking. The guys aren’t...quality guys. That’s the best word I can think of. Luckily, I go out often, but it’s either with the non-quality guys or if it may be someone that I am attracted to, he’ll say no after a date or two.
What is it? What’s going on? Yeah, I know: “everything in the right time.” But c’mon, really? All I am getting is older, angrier, and depressed – I’m angry when the match is off and I’m depressed when I get the “no” from the guy. I’m specific with shadchanim. I tell them what I’m looking for. They describe whoever they set me up with as “exactly what you described.” Who were they listening to, because these guys are not what I described at all. I go to a decent number of events and Shabbatons and never end up finding someone I want to date or who wants to date me.
I may sound angry in this letter, but I really am not, in person. I’m happy and bubbly and interested in many things and can have a conversation with anyone about anything. I don’t get it. How can the shadchanim get it so wrong, and what makes people think I want to discuss why I think I’m not married? Do they want me to say, “It’s me. I’m the problem,” or do they want me to say it’s all the fault of the shadchanim and whom they set me up with. Either way I’ll come off as weird.
MCG
*****
MCG, thank you for your email.
As I read your words, I felt your anger, frustration, and sadness. I think we can all relate to being set up with a person who was all wrong for us and we all wondered what the shadchan was thinking (or smoking) when they thought this would be a good match. That’s the whole reason I wrote my book, because we can all relate. But you seem to be at your breaking point. You’ve had enough of the complete mismatches and the “rude” question you are asked by yentas. Because that’s what they are, yentas. Unless they offer a solution, then don’t ask. Dating and marriage are sensitive topics for some people. It never gets easier answering that question, especially as the years creep up on you.
MCG, I don’t know how old you are, but even if you’re 20, which I doubt, because of how you wrote and you don’t sound like a newbie – it’s still none of anyone’s business and you don’t have to answer that question. Go ahead, use my name, tell them I give you permission not to answer it. I like the idea of turning the tables on the people, but I wouldn’t do it because they may find it rude to ask why they married their spouse, and two wrongs don’t make a right.
As you and many know, I am not a fan of all shadchanim and I don’t think every person who wants to should be allowed to be a shadchan, let alone call themselves a “professional shadchan.” Just as only a select few have a black AmEx card, so too only a select few, after they’ve proven themselves, should be able to call themselves shadchan.
But let us try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure some shadchanim try hard to help you. Some may think that opposites attract and sometimes they do. But you may feel that he/she set you up with the exact opposite of what you are looking for. Please don’t think that they think of you in low regard because you feel the person you were set up is, for lack of a much better word, a loser. The shadchanim must have a reason for putting the match together. It’s great that you have confidence and are sure of yourself, but please hold it in check when speaking about others, namely those you go out with. You may have said what everyone is thinking, but there’s a reason why people don’t say it. Everyone is special in their own way and have their own maalos.
You wrote that you are specific regarding telling shadchanim what you are looking for in a spouse. I suggest getting more specific, and if you are saying, “I want a good guy, someone with a great personality, who does chesed and is always there for a friend,” drop that from your description. No one is ever setting someone up with an “average guy, who will help others only when it’s convenient for him or if he benefits from it.” If shadchanim or others feel free to ask you personal questions for the purpose of finding you a shidduch, then you get personal and tell them what you really want. If you are looking for “a man taller than 5’7, dresses well all the time, likes going on vacations to exotic locales, and has a wicked sense of humor,” then tell them that. You have nothing to lose, because you haven’t gained anything from describing the generalities of what you are looking for. Jump in with both feet.
I have heard the term “quality” used a lot. Men are looking for “quality women” and women are looking for “quality men.” I’m guilty of having used the same term when I was dating. But what does quality mean to you? It may mean something different to the shadchanim you are speaking with. If I believe the books that I read to my daughter, then I believe that we are each special, and Hashem created us just the way he wanted us to be. There are no two people the same; we are all unique. And I do believe what I am reading to my daughter. And maybe in my old age, I’m looking at situations differently. So, yeah, now I’m looking at the word “quality” differently than I used to. Everyone has their own quality. Again, you may have to specify what exact type of quality you are looking for.
You wrote that you go out fairly often. But after reading your letter and feeling the emotions you wrote about, my advice to you would be to take a break from dating. You aren’t doing yourself or anyone else a favor if you get burned out or are angry that you “never” get set up with the type of fellow you want. You may need time to regroup after someone you were interested in doesn’t want to see you again. You are not a machine. Going full steam ahead isn’t getting you to your goal – the chupah. All it’s getting you is fed up and that’s not healthy. I’m not saying take a three-month sabbatical, but take some time off. Devote time to you, or don’t devote time to yourself, but just take a break from dating. Go back when you feel fresh again. You owe that to yourself and to your future dates. How can you look at someone you’re dating with fresh eyes if you are angry and depressed. Take a breather. Sometimes, when you stop searching for what you’re looking for, you find it. Who knows, ease up on yourself, take care of you, and maybe in that interim you may stumble across your bashert. It has happened to others.
I can’t do anything about what people say or even answer why they say what they say. I only know how I can react to what they say. But if I’m not in a good place emotionally, the reaction will not be a positive one. That’s why I want you to take a break from dating. Find your “good place.” Once you do that, you may see things differently. Or not. You won’t know if you don’t try.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
