Do you believe that having good self-esteem is crucial to your well-being? Have you noticed that there are those who simply seem to like themselves despite the absence of great wealth, good looks, or even signs of approval from others? Speaking of looks, you know that the first day of school is always a fashion show. The rest of the school year? A pajama party. Oh, and wealth? I know, you want to get to a point in your life financially where adding guacamole to your burrito isn’t a big decision. I get it.

Yet you may have a friend that no amount of glamour, acknowledgment, or even achievement prevents her from constantly critiquing or berating herself. It’s been noted that how you measure your self-worth is directly linked to how you compare with your mother or father.

Do you feel as though you have accomplished more or less than your mom or dad? Perhaps you came from a poor background but have managed to rise up the ranks with financial stability or comfort. I know, you never met a dollar you didn’t like. Then again, I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift from me…to me. Can you relate?

What are your friends and peers up to in life? You may feel inadequate when you are around some of them, if you unconsciously compare yourself to him. He is a far better athlete. He seems to have a cushy, easy career path. Has anyone in your peer group managed to start a million-dollar business? Does the girl you went to high school with seem to be doing so much better than you?

When we perceive this, sometimes we shrink internally and may even feel as though a small part of us has died. Why are “they” the lucky ones? However, if you received a great deal of genuine love and care as a child, you may believe in yourself irrespective of others’ so-called achievements.

If your dad only approved of you if you got good grades, or if your mom insisted you present a certain image to others, you may spend your entire life trying to impress everyone you meet. Can you just “be,” rather than constantly proving to others what you “do” in order to feel okay?

Know this: You matter enormously, sweet friends. Do not rely on success to make you feel accepting of yourself. Do not let the scale or the latest weight-loss drug determine your sense of worth. I love you just the “weigh” you are. It’s been said: In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips, and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. And truly, the only reason a woman should ever look down is to show off her eyeshadow.

All the financial success in the world, or the lowest number on the dang scale, will never bring about genuine faith in yourself. I know, you invested all of your money in debt. Then again, running into debt isn’t so bad. It’s running into creditors that hurts. But it is truly about understanding your past. Did you ever receive unconditional love? If not, have you come to terms with it?

A lack of confidence can be a hangover from your past. Your psychological survival skill may have been to keep your expectations very low. You might be carrying the legacy from your past to this very day.

But truly, please talk to yourself like someone you love. In the words of Shaquille O’Neal: “If you don’t like me, there must be something wrong with you.” Your mistakes might just be growth spurts. RIP to all the hours I spent explaining myself to other people. You want to give the world the best of you, not what’s left of you.

Be kind to your mate. Tell her that you love her enough to make your iPhone-Samsung relationship work. Then again, they say that a good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it. They also say: Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Isn’t it amazing how one day someone walks into your life, and then the next day you wonder how you ever lived without them. Know this, my friends: We accept the kind of love we believe we deserve.

Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It’s sanity. Have the courage to accept imperfection. The only real danger, sweet friends, is never trying. Remember this: Being a “good person” is something you do – not something you are.


Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens.  She works with individuals, couples, and families.  Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends.  She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.