My paternal grandparents died nine years, and two days apart, based on the Jewish calendar. It continued to the next generation. My mother died eight days short of thirteen years after my father passed away, based on the secular calendar, and two weeks before based on the Jewish calendar. This is not so uncommon. It makes sense. I remember dreading the days leading up to Chanukah because it reminded me that my father’s Yahrzeit was coming; how much more would the spouse of the deceased be suffering.
The closeness of the dates of death has had a significant effect this year. The day after I got up from shiv’ah, based on the secular calendar, was the date of my father’s death. Also, this year my father’s Yahrzeit is within the shloshim (thirty-day period). I remember during the eleven months I was saying Kaddish for my father, there were instances when I clearly had the right to lead the services and another person decided that they should and would not compromise, even when it was possible to split the time, such as in the morning prayers. What helped me get through it was that my father would have rather let the other person do it even if I was right in order to avoid an argument. I expect the same to happen this time and I will have the same response.
For me, losing a parent helped me put things in perspective. Things that normally would have really annoyed me did not bother me so much. For example, the first night post-shiv’ah, I went to shul to get ready to lead the service for Maariv. In this shul, during services there is a glass full of alcohol that is lit where the chazan stands. It serves as a second ner tamid, but this one has a real flame. Between services the fire is snuffed out using a metal cone object. When I came to the shul, I smelled a burning odor but could not figure out its source. I saw the metal cone on the alcohol full glass and started to take it off. The person who had used the glass for the prior service mistakenly thought that he had distinguished the flame. Instead, for hours the flame had been heating up the metal that I touched. I received second degree burns on my thumb and my fore finger. Another incident occurred a few days later when I tried to start my car but the battery was dead. I had to call AAA. After the car was boosted, I saw that I had left on one of the interior lights. It must have drained the battery.
I was in court on Thursday and someone in the courtroom complained about their having a bad day. I held back my comments about my day. My day started by going to the cemetery to my father’s grave since I had to visit it before Chanukah. My mother’s grave looked as it did a few days earlier. The date was 13 years to the English date of my father’s funeral, and I am in the middle of shloshim for my mother. The point is that certain events can change a person’s perspective.
During the shiv’ah, I mentioned many positive aspects of my mother’s life and how it was such a blessing for her. I have many of the same things and yet I take them for granted. We go through life taking so many things for granted. It is only when they are no longer there that we take notice, and many times it is too late.
To end on a more positive note. Although Congress still cannot seem to get its act together to provide additional funding for military aid to Israel, the administration has stepped up. The State Department sold Israel 13,981 120 mm High Explosive Anti-Tank Multi-Purpose with Tracer tank cartridges as well as providing US support, engineering, and logistics. This was based on the exception of an emergency situation in the national interests of the United States, which gave the administration authority to sell weapons without waiting for Congressional approval. The United States also vetoed the United Nations Security Council resolution calling for an immediate ceasefire. Elizabeth Magill, President of the University of Pennsylvania, one of the three college presidents who could not say that someone demanding genocide against the Jewish people would violate the schools code of conduct resigned along with the chairman of the board. I expect the other two presidents, from Harvard and MIT, to be shown the door or be forced to resign by the end of the year. Hopefully, this will be a shift in how college and university campuses treat Jews and deal with anti-Semitism.
Warren S. Hecht is a local attorney. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
