Every year, in honor of Presidents’ Day, I write a list of fun facts about one of our nation’s Presidents, going in order, because in general, the only non-living presidents of whom people know their contributions to American culture are Washington, Lincoln, and that time that Taft got stuck in his bathtub.
This year, we’re up to our nation’s fifth president: James Monroe.
- Monroe was the last of the Founding Fathers to be President, unless you count Joe Biden.
- One fun fact that I read said, “Monroe was the last president who was never photographed in his lifetime.” So how much was he photographed after his lifetime?
- Unlike the previous 4 presidents, I have been unable to find any fun facts linking Monroe to Yidden. Searching “Monroe Jews” has yielded zero results.
- “James Monroe” sounds like a secular name that a Chassid would make up for work. (“What’s your name?” “James.” “And your last name?” “Ehhh… Monroe.”)
- James Monroe was born in Virginia and was one of five children. His father’s name was Spence, which sounds more like a cologne, and his mother’s name was Elizabeth, which, by British law, was the name of basically all women of the time.
- James also had a sister named Elizabeth.
- When James was 16, he enrolled in the College of William and Mary, located in Williamsburg (the other Williamsburg), where he majored in cutting class.
- It was not long before Monroe dropped out of college to fight in the Revolution, where he was quickly promoted to Lieutenant because, quote, “He knew how to read.”
- In fact, James served under George Washington and fought in the famous Battle of Trenton, NJ, which is the one where George Washington crossed the Delaware in a snowstorm in middle of the night and surprised the British. “You came here by boat?” the British said. “In a snowstorm?!”
- James didn’t do much damage in the Battle of Trenton, unless you count getting shot. This is the kind of thing that happens when your big skill in the army is that you can read.
- In fact, James appears in the famous painting called “Washington Crossing the Delaware with 12 People in a Rowboat.” He’s the guy standing directly behind George Washington and holding the flag.
“Aren’t you going to help row?” everyone else asked him.
“Then who’s going to hold the flag?” he asked.
This was before he was shot.
- After the War, Monroe joined the Continental Congress, which at that point was called the Confederation Congress and kept switching locations every year to keep too many people from coming to the meetings. When the Congress was in New York, he met his wife, whose name was Elizabeth.
- She wasn’t his wife yet when he met her.
- James and Elizabeth went on to have two daughters, both named Elizabeth.
- Okay, actually, his younger daughter’s name was Maria, but she had a daughter named Elizabeth. Eventually.
- When George Washington was president, he sent Monroe to serve as a minister to France, where he ended up living with his family for a few years. Basically, in those days, ocean travel took forever, so presidents didn’t have time to take the occasional trip abroad and spend half their presidency on a ship to go embarrass themselves in front of several major world leaders. So instead they’d send future presidents.
- While he was there, Monroe negotiated several famous treaties, none of which I’ve heard of.
- Eventually, Washington fired Monroe for criticizing someone else’s treaty: The Jay Treaty, negotiated by John Jay, who was the ambassador to England at the time. Monroe felt the treaty gave way too much to England; and the French, who were in a war with England, found out about it and got very baleidikt, which did not make Monroe’s job easier.
- When he got home, Monroe wrote a book attacking Washington’s position called A View of the Conduct of the Executive, in the Foreign Affairs of the United States: Connected with the Mission to the French Republic, During the Years 1794, 5, and 6. It was 400 pages. Also, Monroe was not totally over the time that Washington got him shot in middle of a snowstorm in New Jersey.
- Washington bought a copy of this book. He then wrote his own scathing, sarcastic responses to Monroe in the margins. Though it is not clear that Monroe ever saw this copy. Like maybe Washington invited him over for a Shabbos meal, and Monroe picked up the book, like, “Hey, you bought my book!” and then flipped through it…
- In 1803, President Thomas Jefferson recruited him to go back to France. “You know French, right?”
“I can also read! Have you read my book?”
- Jefferson sent him to help the ambassador, Robert R. Livingston, buy New Orleans, which was owned by France and had a nice port. He was given a budget of $9 million.
- When he got there, he realized that Napoleon was strapped for cash, and was willing to sell basically the entire Midwest, which he called “Louisiana.” And that’s how Monroe and Livingston ended up doubling the size of the United States for $15 million, in what we now call the Louisiana Purchase. “Jefferson’s gonna be maaaaad…” they said. Monroe got ready to write another book.
- In 1811, President Madison asked Monroe to become his Secretary of State, which is the third highest office in the country, after First Lady.
- In August of 1814, during the War of 1812, Madison tapped Monroe to be his Secretary of War as well, replacing John Armstrong, who was not doing as good a job running the war as his name had advertised. For example, he’d let the British burn down the White House, which was a fireable offense.
- In 1816, Monroe ran for president under the slogan, “Let’s only elect Presidents named James M., so we don’t have to change the initials on everything in the White House.” Actually, that could not have been his slogan, because at the time, the White House was still being rebuilt. Madison had spent the latter years of his Presidency living out of a cardboard box.
- Monroe won a landslide victory, receiving 68% of vote against Federalist Rufus King. Because #1, no one at the time was going to vote for a president named King, and #2, Rufus is clearly a dog’s name.
- Early in his presidency, Monroe went on a goodwill tour throughout the country, which made him even more popular, even though the main reason he did it, if I’d had to guess, was that the White House was still being rebuilt, and the box was starting to smell. Especially ever since he’d dropped that bottle of Spence.
- One thing that stressed people out, though, was the debate over Missouri. Missouri was applying for statehood, but no one could agree on whether it should be a slave state or not. The South said it should; the North said it shouldn’t. The slaves also said not, but they didn’t get a vote.
- The thing was that at the time, there were exactly the same number of slave states as free states, and whichever way this state went would get a majority in the Senate. So Monroe, being a parent, came up with a compromise. “Now no one gets Missouri!” he said. “See what you did?”
- That is not what happened. He actually split Massachusetts into two states, the second of which he called Maine. That way, Missouri would be a slave state, and Maine would not, particularly because nobody lived there.
- Monroe also bought Florida from Spain, which was largely regarded as a mistake.
- He instantly regretted it. “Is this whole thing just swamps?” he asked. “Is it always so hot down here? Uch, everything is sticking! Why do I hear guns? Is that an alligator?”
- Spain also threw in Florida, New York, which is a small town outside Monroe.
- For Monroe’s second term, he ran unopposed, making him the only president to ever do so besides Washington. He received 81% of the vote.
- Wait, what? How did he receive 81% of the vote if he ran unopposed? Who got the other 19?
- Okay, so apparently he didn’t get every electoral vote. 3 of the electors died before casting their votes, and one guy (NH Governor William Plumer) got ahead of himself and voted for John Quincy Adams, who was not even aware that he was running.
- Monroe was also famous for the Monroe Doctrine, which is hands down the most famous Doctrine. This was a statement that told the European countries that they were not allowed to colonize America anymore, because enough was enough. We’re closed. It’s getting annoying already. In exchange, Monroe promised not to colonize any parts of Europe, or ship over any of our newfound alligators, which is where we stand today.
- Monroe was the fourth President to die, and the third to die on July 4th. Probably in some kind of barbecuing accident.
- The coroner never found the tongs.
- He was buried in KJ.
- Or somewhere in New York, I don’t know. Then, about 25 years later, his body was moved to Virginia.
- One can only assume that’s when he was photographed.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
