On Sunday night, November 10, Let’s Get Real With Coach Menachem Bernfeld featured a virtual shiur with Joel Yisroel Kleinman, LCSW, author of You and Me Equals We and other books, and a well-known speaker. Mr. Kleinman is also the son of Rabbi Heshy Kleinman, author of the Praying With Fire series.
Coach Menachem shared that boundaries are important in any relationship. So, how do we set up those boundaries?
Mr. Kleinman shared that creating boundaries takes steps, and the most difficult place to apply this is in marriage.
Over the past decades, the main message of shalom bayis has been about giving in. It’s a good message. On the other hand, the Rambam says that the key is to have balance in midos. We may need a little counterbalancing of that message.
There are some areas when giving in doesn’t work. For example, if you and your spouse have different beliefs about what’s right and wrong: For example, one spouse may want the children to read only Jewish books, and the other may want them to be exposed to a wide range of books. One spouse may want a strict way of raising the kids, and the other may want a more unconditional love way. In these cases, giving in doesn’t solve the problem. Also, there are personality differences. A person can’t change his whole personality. One spouse may be an extrovert, and one may be an introvert. One may be logical, and one may be emotional. One might struggle with mental illness, and one might not be able to relate to this.
You can’t stop being who you are. You need to learn a whole different tool. This is the tool of being able to be yourself. It takes skill, practice, and planning. You need to stand up for yourself in a skillful way. You must recognize when it is appropriate to set boundaries. How do you do it? What does it look like? First, you need to define the issues. Is it hashkafah or values? Is it things that are important to me that interfere with who I am? Is it something that keeps building up over time? Sometimes the right answer is to give in. Sometimes it’s to say your feelings but be willing to do it your spouse’s way. Sometimes it is leaving the decision to the spouse and stating that you are doing something different.
He broke this into the following: telling feelings, leaving the decision to the other person but requesting what you want. Sometimes it can be saying I’ll do what I believe is right, whether or not you like it.
Once you know what you want to set in terms of boundaries, then you need to find the best way to convey your boundaries. It is important to do it in a kind and respectful way that involves validation of the spouse’s point of view. You shouldn’t ask what is right, but rather work with two points of view.
A problem with only giving in is it can lead to depression and being upset. Ask yourself if you are really connecting emotionally and are you being yourself. When you come from a place of validation and curiosity, then it’s not taken as criticism.
By Susie Garber
