Dear Editor:
Life was much simpler when Warren Hecht stuck to bike riding and hockey columns. This past week, he attempted to make hay over a guilty verdict rendered against Donald Trump by a Manhattan jury in the E. Jean Carrol trial.
Let me remind everyone that this is the same county that voted only 23% for Trump when he ran for President against a guy who looked like he passed away a few years ago. This is the same county that voted 65% for Kathy Hochul, a despicably corrupt governor who has made everyone’s quality of life in this state significantly worse. This is the same county that voted overwhelmingly for Eric Adams, who gets high GQ marks for his suits but low IQ marks for his policy decisions on everything from violent crime, COVID vaccine mandates, and illegal immigration.
So, the fact that a jury pool representing a small sample size of this ridiculous county reached the conclusion that Trump did not rape this woman but is guilty of defamation for declaring that he did not rape this woman should surprise no one.
Why an attorney like Mr. Hecht presumes Trump received a fair trial in Manhattan is more mystifying than the verdict itself.
Jason Stark
Dear Editor:
As Shavuos approaches (depending on when or whether this is published), my thoughts don’t turn to blintzes or cheesecake, but rather to David HaMelech. It was on Shavuos that David was born – and died 70 years later. This got me thinking about aging today. Therefore, here is a short list of how you know you are getting up there in years:
You refer to Bibi and King Charles as your peers.
You need a calculator to figure out how many years you’ve been married.
You have more doctors’ appointments than there are days of the week.
You understand Watergate and Mannix references on Jeopardy.
You went to school with your kids’ grandparents, not their parents.
Downsizing isn’t a dirty word.
“Snap, crackle, and pop” doesn’t refer to cereal but to your knee.
You know what a hula hoop is.
The nurse laughs at you when you tell her your height.
You have so many unread emails that you don’t know if you will live long enough to delete all of them.
You use AOL.
What’s a podcast?
5:00 p.m. is the perfect time for dinner.
An electric chair doesn’t kill you, but it gets you up the stairs.
Your acne is replaced by brown spots.
Skin tags identify you.
You still don’t know what “Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie” means, but it’s your favorite song.
You drive down all the streets as you would on the Van Wyck: 10 mph.
You have bars in all the rooms in your house, but not the ones you drink from.
Lest I sound ungrateful, I firmly believe that we must be grateful to Hashem for arichas yamim and use them wisely to learn Torah and perform chesed.
Good Yom Tov!
Debbie Horowitz
Dear Editor:
This Week’s News Roundup (Satire)
State Department Issues Travel Advisory for Florida, Due to Increasing Liberty and Freedom
WASHINGTON, DC — The US State Department has issued a series of travel warnings to Americans looking to visit Florida this summer, after the state saw a huge uptick in liberty and freedom under its governor, Ron DeSantis.
The State Department last week classified Florida as “Level 3,” urging Americans to “reconsider travel” to the Sunshine State. The State Department regularly assesses the security and health situations in each state of the Union and adjusts the classification accordingly on a scale of one (which indicates travelers should exercise normal precautions) to four (which warns Americans not to travel there).
The Department warned that “respect for individual liberty, economic freedom, and minimum government intrusion into citizens’ lives” are very common in Florida. The Department also warned that the state is particularly dangerous for members of the LGBTQWXYZ community, since they will no longer be able to chemically castrate minors, groom young children, and hold drag queen story hour for underage children in a local school library.
We urge our readers to stay safe and avoid the only state in the country that respects the political and economic rights of its citizens.
Progressives: Phrase ‘Debt Ceiling’ Is Classic Heightism
Amid the ongoing saga over the debt ceiling, progressives slammed the phrase on social media, accusing those who use the term “heightism.”
“To call it a debt ceiling is highly offensive to those who cannot reach the ceiling,” one progressive tweeted. “We stand with our brothers and sisters in the undersized community.”
Progressives suggested an alternative to the phrase debt ceiling – “the highest permissible level of debt.”
Rise in Headaches Among Investors at New York Stock Exchange Due to Shaking Their Heads Up and Down at Stock Prices All Day
NEW YORK— Doctors around the State of New York have seen an uptick in patient visits recently who’ve been complaining about getting constant headaches. After some routine exams, doctors were able to diagnose the problem.
“Investors at the stock exchange are constantly shaking their heads up and down due to fluctuating stock prices,” said Dr. Larry Coffin of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. “Shaking the head constantly throughout the day will definitely induce a headache, if not multiple headaches. We recommend standing as far back as possible and only using your eyes to scan stock prices, not your head.”
Report: Germans Very Impressed with FBI’s Gestapo Tactics
GERMANY— According to reports, many Germans are impressed with the FBI’s Gestapo tactics. The reports have been published amid the release of the Durham Report, which exposed the fact that the FBI had almost no real information to rely upon in its Russian-collusion investigation.
“Ve are very impressed by how the FBI is harassing and threatening innocent people,” Berlin resident Hans Mueller said. “Like the Gestapo, the FBI has become an expert in punishing its political enemies. Ve strongly support ze vork of the FBI.”
The FBI issued an apology after a copy of Gestapo terror tactics and torture methods was found in the main office of its headquarters in Washington, DC.
If you have any comments, suggestions, or criticisms, please feel free to email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
Dear Editor:
More needs to be looked at besides House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy’s idea of taking back billions of unused CARE COVID-19 Emergency Relief funds. President Biden and Congress need to look at every federal government agency’s unspent carryover funding from previous fiscal years. There should be a forensic audit for all agency grant programs. Any funds from inactive grants, projects, and programs not being used should also be reprogrammed to reduce our $31.4 trillion [and growing] national debt. Who knows how many more billions could be found and returned to the Treasury Department? All future federal grant programs should include a requirement for recipients to submit a cash draw-down plan and sunset date for completion. Any unused funds after a reasonable amount of time should automatically be returned to the Treasury Department.
Government, the private sector, and citizens must make difficult financial decisions on how to use existing resources. Americans prioritize their own family budgets. They make the hard choices in how existing household financial resources will be spent. The President and Congress should do likewise.
Sincerely,
Larry Penner
Great Neck, New York
Dear Editor:
Mr. Hecht, you explicitly wrote that you don’t comment on trials without hearing all the evidence. Then why did you? It’s quite clear that President Trump’s Sixth Amendment rights were violated, as there is no way he can get an impartial jury in a city that voted 95% for Joe Biden. The judge was clearly not calling balls and strikes, and he interfered in the trial.
Now we have indisputable evidence that it wasn’t a conspiracy theory. President Obama spied on President Trump’s campaign and then his presidency. The FISA court was abused by the FBI, and it continues until today. Now, instead of going after Republican presidents, they are going after religious Catholics, legal gun purchasers, parents who show up at local school board meetings, and those who were on Capitol grounds on January 6, even if they did not enter the building. We now have “the American Stasi.” It is beyond incomprehensible why it would be necessary to arrest Paul Manafort or Roger Stone in a predawn raid with a SWAT team. Both gentlemen would have surrendered without the pomp and circumstance. The raw demonstration of government power was frightening.
For years, Democrats have screamed “equal justice under the law,” except behind the scenes, they don’t believe that. The FBI shut down four investigations into the Clinton Foundation and the Clinton campaign. Instead, once the FBI received a bogus investigation report from former CIA Director John Brennan, they opened the investigation into Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton sold 20% of US uranium stockpiles to Russia. I’m sure there was more there to be investigated before James Comey and Andrew McCabe thought going after a political opponent was more important than weeding out corruption in our government.
The FBI will now have interfered in its third consecutive election. The 2016 election was spying on Trump. The 2020 election was the suppression of Hunter Biden’s laptop and the failure to go after corrupt Joe Biden and his legitimate ties to foreign governments. Sixteen LLCs were used to launder money from a Romanian oligarch and China. The 2024 election now has a “special counsel” investigating President Trump. Too bad Jack Smith’s history is tainted because his convictions of public corruption have been overturned. Let’s see if he goes afoul again.
If it’s not bad enough that the Democratic Party is using the FBI as its personal police force, the media is now exposed as the Democratic Party media. There is no longer journalism in this country. The New York Times and the Washington Post refuse to return their Pulitzers for their Russia collusion stories. They cover for this corrupt president and his administration. We have a story that’s bigger than Watergate, and Woodward and Bernstein are nowhere. Full coverup mode for all of them. Senior Campaign Adviser to Hillary Clinton, Jake Sullivan, is the National Security Adviser. Antony Blinken was a campaign adviser to President Biden; he’s the Secretary of State. Susan Rice was President Obama’s National Security Adviser. They’re all there and there are no consequences for any of them.
Finally, you have Democratic members of Congress who claimed President Trump was colluding with Russia. Adam Schiff to this day refuses to show any evidence to back that statement up. But it’s not surprising. If you watched the committee hearing this week, you saw the sheer haughtiness and contempt the Democrats have for the three whistleblowers. One is a decorated Army veteran and the disrespect shown to him was disgusting. It was a despicable display to watch the character assassination of those who are trying to shed light on how this government is grabbing more and more power and using the federal law enforcement agencies to get it. And the Democrats don’t care, because their number one goal is power. Their allegiance is to the Democratic Party.
Shalom Markowitz
