One of the modern wonders of Israel is its transportation system. Who would believe that in a Jewish state that has no shortage of bureaucracy, transportation would be on time, well-maintained, and dependable? With an app like Moovit, you can know when your bus or train will arrive down to the minute.
The Israeli railway system is a pleasure to ride. For as long as I can remember, arriving in Eretz Yisrael and getting from Ben Gurion Airport to Yerushalayim was a major hassle. In recent years, however, although it’s annoying carrying luggage on the train, you can leave Ben Gurion Airport and be in the center of Yerushalayim in about half an hour. The train is comfortable, and the ride is pleasant.
Within Yerushalayim itself, the light rail has also revolutionized traveling around the holy city. When you board the light rail, there is a recording overhead that reminds you to charge your Rav-Kav by placing it in front of one of the electronic machines on the bus until it registers. (Rav-Kav, meaning “multi-line,” is Israel’s national reusable contactless smart card for public transportation.) Virtually every yeshivah boy and seminary girl can recount the recording verbatim – in Hebrew, Arabic, and English. They’ve heard it countless times while riding the light rail, so they know it in their sleep. While I personally don’t remember the Hebrew or Arabic words, I do recall that in English the recording states: “Please remember to validate as soon as you enter the train.”
The first time I heard the recording, I thought it sounded funny. The dictionary definition of validate is to “check or prove the validity or accuracy of something.” How or what are you validating by electronically activating a ticket before or at the start of a trip? In America, people say, “You need to activate/scan/tap your ticket.” Or perhaps they say, “You need to have your ticket validated.” But the vernacular of needing to validate as soon as you get on the train sounded funny to me.
It got me thinking that, whether or not it’s correct to say that you have to validate when you get on the train, it’s unquestionably vital to validate when you get home.
We all crave validation. We want to be heard, and we want to be understood. Validating someone does not imply that we agree with that person’s opinion, but that we understand the logic behind his or her opinion or actions. In every discussion or interaction, we want our opinions and ideas to be validated.
Even more significantly, we want to be validated as people. We want to feel that our contribution matters and that we are valued. One of the most painful feelings in the world is for a person to feel that he is superfluous. This is true as residents of a community, as members of a social or peer group, and most importantly as children in a family.
This idea is foundational for a solid marriage. Spouses need to understand each other. It’s been said that most fights in marriage aren’t about the actual topic being fought over, but about what idea it represents to the spouse. It takes discussion, patience, and understanding to comprehend how someone else views something. True understanding is vital in order to validate another.
The real challenge for parents is how they relate to the child who doesn’t fit in with the rest of the family. How do we, as parents, react to the child who cannot or chooses not to live within the unwritten and often unspoken family mantra? Somehow, the parents have to find a way to value that child. Otherwise, the unvalidated child will seek validation elsewhere. Validation is not a luxury; it’s a necessity, vital for our mental well-being.
Rabbi Yisrael Salanter noted that a child playing with a toy boat feels the same way that a captain feels about his ship. The child whose toy boat breaks feels as devastated as the captain whose ship sinks. Children and teens feel strongly about their problems in their world. Though their issues may justifiably seem trivial and inconsequential to us, to them those issues are consuming. Often, they then become stuck in their issues and cannot see the forest for the trees.
The first step in trying to help a child or teen in “stuck mode” is by trying to see the matter from his or her perspective with genuine empathy. It’s not easy. It’s challenging to be empathetic about something that seems so petty and even ridiculous to us. We feel we have more important and taxing things to take care of than to listen to them gripe about the puny issue they feel is the end of the world. But that is the only way to help them get unstuck.
Whether we ride the train and validate on the train or not, when we arrive home, we must validate every person in our home and beyond. It may be the greatest thing we can do for them.
Rabbi Dani Staum is a popular speaker, columnist, and author. He is a rebbi in Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, New Jersey, principal of Mesivta Orchos Yosher in Spring Valley, New York, and a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding. His writings can be found at www.strivinghigher.com. Looking for an inspirational speaker or scholar-in-residence? Contact Rabbi Staum at 845-641-5094 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
