In my day, we called it bad behavior. In fact, I still call it bad behavior. I don’t know what it is with the younger generations. Are you just used to getting what you want without working too hard for it? Is it because you’re so used to swiping left or right when something bores you that you’ve forgotten how to act when you have to sit through something you don’t find entertaining? I don’t know what it is. But I have heard from a few people who have gone out on dates with people who were not on their best behavior. They let their anger, frustration, boredom…show. Instead of putting their best foot forward on a first date, they act however they feel like acting. If they had a bad day, they don’t hide it, put a smile on their face, and move forward. They complain about their day and even take it out on their date. By that, I mean they act rudely.
I couldn’t believe this. Yes, I dated for many years, and yes, I bet some of those dates happened on days when everything didn’t go exactly as planned at work and not everything smelled like roses. But I never let—or at least I tried not to let—my bad day get to me and affect my date. It wasn’t fair to the person I was out with, and it wasn’t the way I wanted a potential spouse to see me. If I acted badly, why would they want to go out with me again? It would be like shooting myself in the foot. What would that accomplish?
I did some research after I read a couple of emails that shared this theme and found that this, whatever it is, is actually a thing. The thought behind it is: If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. What? Who are you to ruin someone else’s evening? How can you be so selfish? Who are you to test someone? They were expecting a nice date, and now you’re taking your day out on them. They didn’t sign up for that. And if you do it often enough, you’ll get a reputation for being difficult. That wasn’t your goal, but that’s how you’ll be seen: rude and difficult.
Here’s one email sent to me about this new “trend.”
Dear Goldy,
I went out the other night with someone whom I can only describe as rude. Right off the bat, she told me that she had an argument with a co-worker that she hadn’t been able to put behind her all day. I told her that I hoped our date would help take her mind off it for a while. Her response: “Doubt it.”
I was shocked by her behavior in the car. “Ariella” didn’t seem to be this moody girl when the shadchan described her or when we spoke on the phone a few days earlier. But here was “moody Ariella” sitting in my car. Where was the smile I heard while speaking with her on the phone? She had sounded upbeat and optimistic. This girl sitting next to me wasn’t talking, and when she did, she gave me curt answers to my questions.
I tried to be understanding. I’ve had bad days at work, too—more than my fair share—but I try not to let them carry over into my dating life. Yes, I complain to friends, but on a date, I try to put my best foot forward. Why would someone want to date me again if I were an angry oaf on our first date? Once I’m in a relationship, I hope I’ll be able to complain or vent to the woman I’m involved with, but I had just met Ariella.
The plan was to go bowling and then out to a café. Ariella literally threw the game. She didn’t aim, pretend to care about the score, or make any small talk or jokes between turns. She literally got up, walked to the lane, threw the ball, and turned around to walk back before her ball was halfway down the alley. I put up with it. I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t put the fight with her co-worker behind her, but I put up with it.
The café wasn’t any better. When I ordered fish, she even complained that the smell made her gag. She played with her straw instead of making conversation. I finally had enough. How much of someone’s bad behavior am I—or any stranger—supposed to take? I told her that everyone has had an argument or a bad day, but then they put it behind them and try to have a good night when out with friends or on a date. I explained that the shadchan had said wonderful things about her personality, which I hadn’t witnessed at all, and reminded her that the woman I had spoken with on the phone didn’t seem to be the woman on the date with me.
It was like I had opened the door to a twisted twilight zone. Ariella started telling me that she was doing her best, but that I, too, would be angry hours later if I had had the same type of argument with a co-worker that she had. Of course she was the victim and the “wronged one.” She said she expected a husband or boyfriend to be supportive if she was upset, but so far, I was failing. Me? I was failing? I told her we weren’t dating; this was our first date. I didn’t know her. I wasn’t involved in her office politics like a boyfriend would be, and I didn’t owe her anything except an attempt to have a nice time and get to know her—which was what I felt she owed me.
She took offense to that and asked me if I would care if my friend, cousin, or sister were upset. Of course I would, but I know and love them. At that moment, she was just someone with whom I had spent the last few hours, who acted as if she would rather be anywhere but on a date. She was demonstrating that she couldn’t put something away or file it away in her brain while dealing with something else that needed her full attention.
The date didn’t end well, but Ariella kept saying that my job as “the guy” was to help her, soothe her, and make her feel better. But I didn’t know that. No one gave me the memo that I was supposed to cater to her. I’m not into that. I don’t have to take care of a stranger or make a stranger feel better. They owe me a decent date, with them on good behavior, if not their best behavior. Why would I want to date or marry her?
Menachem
Thank you for your email, Menachem.
Yes, I have heard of this. There is a term for it. It has something to do with “ghoul.” I think it’s “ghouldating,” though I could be wrong. It involves dating someone while displaying your worst behavior to see whether they are able to put up with it and improve your mood. Once they do, you’ll be on your best behavior. “If you aren’t scared off by my bad attitude and stick around, you’re worthy of seeing what I’m really like.” Really? Because I think showing someone your worst behavior within the first hour of meeting them shows them what type of person you really are.
The person you’re on a date with for the first or second time owes you nothing, and that includes trying to bring you out of your bad mood. And is it a genuine bad mood if you’re testing them to see what they will do and how they will react? Who are you, their teacher? Are they paying you to school them on what is considered good behavior or proper behavior on a date? Because if that’s the case, you owe them a full refund and an apology.
As adults, we are capable of compartmentalizing issues. We can concentrate on one thing while having another issue niggle at the back of our minds. But if it’s not the time or place to dwell on and focus on what’s bothering you, put it away for now. If you had concert tickets to see your favorite singer, would you complain through the entire concert if something from hours earlier were still bothering you? No, you’d have a good time and put it to bed for a while.
You are not anyone to test another person. They don’t need to be able to put up with your bad behavior to be lucky enough to see you on your best behavior! If anything, it’s the opposite. We should all be so lucky as to be with someone who is a great person with a great personality and who will also be there for us during the bad times when we need a shoulder to cry on.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Dating is difficult enough. Why make it harder?
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
