Dear Goldy:
This can actually be a chapter if you wrote a sequel to The Best of My Worst. This happened to my son a couple of weeks back. My son is in his early 30s and has dated for a long time and never had a date quite like the one I will write about. My question is: Is this how millennials behave? I can’t believe an adult who was seemingly raised in a “normal” family could be this clueless, unaware, immature about life and social interactions.
My son was redt to a “very nice girl from a very nice family.” They spoke by phone and agreed to go out. They planned that my son would pick her up at her house and they would go out for dinner. I’ll refer to my son as Moshe. Moshe arrives at the girl’s house and was told by the girl’s sister that she wasn’t home. The girl’s mother came out, apologized, and invited him in until the mix up was able to be cleared up. The mother knew that her daughter had a date scheduled, so where was the girl? The mother called her daughter, who told her that she is in a restaurant waiting for her date. My son is positive that he agreed to pick up the girl; why else would he have the girl’s address? The mother apologized for her daughter’s “forgetfulness.”
Moshe called the girl when he was back in the car, and they spoke as he drove to the restaurant. He knows he didn’t make such a mistake about picking up his date, but didn’t bring it up and said that she never said anything about changing the plans. The other issue was that the restaurant she was waiting in was a dairy one. My son had meat for lunch, and he wasn’t pareve yet. But he decided to wait until he was face to face with her until he brought this up. When he pulled up to the restaurant, he asked her to meet him outside and explained why. She chose that time to tell Moshe that she had already ordered a “snack” while waiting. She wanted to go inside to have what was left packed “to go,” and then she asked Moshe to pay the bill. What?? She changed the plans of the date. She chose a restaurant without consulting Moshe. She didn’t bother to tell him about the change in plans, and now expects him to pay for something she ate – when he wasn’t even there? Moshe, being the easy-going guy that he is, paid the bill.
They went to the restaurant that Moshe had made reservations at and were having a nice meal and conversation. The waiters began singing Happy Birthday at one of the other tables. Moshe said that when she looked over to the other table, she saw it was a friend that she hadn’t seen in a while and got up to go talk to her. Moshe said that she only said, “Be right back” before walking away. He waited five minutes, ten minutes... Finally, after a long time, she came back, telling him the story of how long it had been since she had seen her friend and thought it was “hashgachah pratis,” that Moshe brought her to this restaurant when her friend was there, so she stayed and ate the birthday dessert with her friend and others.
Moshe was more than annoyed and asked her why she stayed away for so long knowing that he was waiting for her. She was acting like Moshe didn’t exist at all, with her behavior. She had the nerve to answer him that because it was hashgachah pratis that they were there, it’s as if Hashem wanted her to stay with her friend. What?? She didn’t apologize in any way. To make matters worse, when Moshe said he was finished eating his entree, she asked if she could have it wrapped up to take home for a midnight snack. Again, what?? Moshe happens to be healthy, but she doesn’t know that for certain. Who knows what germs could be lurking in someone’s half eaten food, and to be forward and tacky enough to ask for her date’s leftovers – to add to her leftovers from the first restaurant. Moshe actually said no. He didn’t want her to have his leftovers. He had ordered a very expensive steak and while he ate most of it, a good bit was left over, and he didn’t want her to get a great piece of meat for free because she was eating from his plate. She got angry at Moshe that he would let the food go to waste instead of giving it to her. He said he would get it wrapped for himself to eat the next night, which he originally planned to do. She commented that he was just doing it to spite her.
At this point Moshe was done with her but didn’t want to be outright rude, so when she suggested a walk before going to the car, he agreed. It wasn’t so late, and stores were still open. She wandered into a candle shop and began smelling the candles. Moshe said he didn’t mind, it was fine. But then she asked him to buy her the biggest size of one specific candle. I know that the man usually pays for what is eaten and bought on dates, but Moshe paid for two meals and now she was asking for a souvenir from the date. Moshe said he told her he’d pay, but then they’d have to head to the car. Date over. He said it was a way out for him. The money was well worth the result.
When Moshe walked his date to her front door and was about to say good night, she told him that he hurt her feelings. He asked what he did wrong, knowing he didn’t do anything wrong, and he most likely just had a date with a looney tune. She told him that when she returned to the table after her friend’s birthday dessert, he made her feel bad for going and talking with her friend and not allowing her to take home his leftovers. To top it off, she said she didn’t think she could date someone who didn’t care how he made her feel, and so she didn’t want to go on a second date. With that, she walked to her front door.
Moshe couldn’t believe it. When he told me what happened, I couldn’t believe it. There were so many rude things that she had done on their date, yet she was hurt because he was left alone at the table and because he wouldn’t let her have “at least $30 of his steak.” I told him that there was no way of knowing that she was like this, but he handled himself much better than I would have in the same situation. All Moshe wanted to do was forget the date happened.
I called the shadchan, because I didn’t want the girl to call the shadchan first and ruin his reputation. Who knows what she would say! I didn’t go into detail with the shadchan, but I told her that she seemed to be out for the night with a chaperone, rather than a date, and wasn’t interested in getting to know Moshe. I figured that was pareve. The shadchan tried to get details from me, but I held firm. The shadchan said that she has set the girl up many times and this was the first time a boy said no to her, and especially just from a first date. All I could do was apologize and I just said it wasn’t shayach.
Can you believe it? I’m upset for Moshe, that he wasted his time with her when he could’ve been trying to find his bashert.
A Loving Mom
*****
Thank you for your email, Mom.
Wow. If all you wrote was true, without embellishing, I’d say this girl may have trouble with social situations and reading people. I would not blame it on her being a millennial baby. I would have known something was wrong as soon as I heard she was waiting at a restaurant. If she never told him about it, what was she thinking? Your son kept his head and his temper in check and did absolutely nothing wrong – although I would have asked her why she decided to meet at that restaurant and why she ordered before he arrived while they were speaking on the phone?!
There is more that I want to know, plenty more, but I do not want to poke fun at her. It could be that she was raised by a “normal” family, but didn’t pick up some life skills or behavior. But then again, she may have had a bad day or have some sort of imbalance that makes her behave that way. I’m not making fun of her or her actions. Her actions tell me that something is not right in her head and for that, I’m sorry your son had a bad date. You did the right thing by not going into detail with the shadchan, yet a part of me wonders if you could have just mentioned some odd behavior that was off-putting, without going into detail. I only say that because she may act like this on all dates. But then, for the shadchan to say that your son was the first to say “no” to her, after a first date, no less? She seems to march to the beat of her own drum.
Unless Moshe was meeting with a shadchan or at a singles event, he would not have been able to spend the evening looking for his bashert. Just chalk this night up to a bad date that makes for a good story.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
