Dear Goldy:
I am a kallah, so no need for dating advice here. I’m looking for life advice. I’ve spoken with my parents. I want to get a neutral party to weigh in.
I’m engaged to a charismatic and smart man. I know you say that sometimes all the boxes can’t be checked, but he checks all of mine, baruch Hashem. He is a lawyer with an MBA. When we started to date, he was the COO of a successful business. But he always spoke about an “idea” he had. You know the type, “My dream job is...” But I’m very practical. Accountants aren’t known for fantasies or senses of humor. I let him talk because that was all it was, talk. I knew that he knew a steady paycheck was needed for necessities and a little luxuries of life.
What I didn’t know was that he was planning on resigning from the business and becoming an entrepreneur sooner rather than later. He and a friend had found some investors and are going to open a business. I can’t say what type of business it is because he’s afraid that someone may steal it or beat them to it. I support him and his business plan, but not the timing of it. I know how many businesses start up and fail yearly. I know how long it takes to turn a profit, forget about just breaking even with a new business. I also know of the long hours and 100 percent of yourself that you have to give to the business if you want it to succeed, and then there still isn’t a guarantee that it will. But to do this right after we get married?
A couple of weeks ago, my fiancé told me that after the wedding he will resign and try to make his dream a reality. That’s great – but it’s not. I know I dated, liked, and fell in love with my fiancé for who he is, the qualities and midos he has. But I also knew I was dating a successful businessman and that we would be able to afford the necessities of life and some luxuries with our two paychecks. Now I worry. Besides the terrible timing, I have enough to worry about without this weighing on me. He said that after the wedding is the perfect time because he has savings; but the money we will receive from gifts will put him, his friend, and investors over the top where things can really start happening. He’s using a large chunk of his savings and then our money? I know that if the business is successful and makes it through the first few years, our family will share in the profits, but not now. Not yet. I was hoping to save for a house. Now I’m just telling all my friends and family to buy me things off my registry, because I want to have the things that I always dreamed of having.
This is nothing that I planned on. I saw us living a nice life: a nice house, cars, vacations. We would be able to afford all of that if my fiancé didn’t decide to up-end everything. I get it: Life and marriage have ups and downs. But we’re just starting out. Shouldn’t we be able to have ups before the downs? I’m trying to convince him to wait at least a year until he does this. But he says that the timing is right for now. I can’t believe that the life I was going to have, that’s within my grasp, is going to be taken away. This is very different from what I signed up for. I don’t see why he can’t wait a little until we’re settled into married life.
Any advice?
Laurie
*****
Thanks for your letter, Laurie.
In my response, I’ll refer to your fiancé as Jax. It just sounds and reads better than repeatedly saying “your fiancé.”
Mazal tov on your engagement. Yes, engagement and the first year of marriage are stressful times without resigning from a job with a steady paycheck added to it. There will never be a good time to resign from a good job and nice steady paycheck. The saying goes, “Im ein kesef, ein shalom bayis” – a paycheck brings security and levels of comfort. Worrying about how to pay rent or pay for gas causes a lot of anxiety and can lead to arguing and fighting. So, no, there’s no real good time to quit. But as you wrote, this has been a dream of Jax’s for a long time. He has a business plan, a partner, investors. It doesn’t sound like something he just thought up. But it’s the timing of it all that you are having an issue with.
There are many conversations chasanim and kallos should have while dating, engaged, and during the first year. An important conversation is finances. Will you have joint bank accounts? Will you be keeping your own separate accounts? If you have joint accounts and Jax will be using wedding gift money, then you have a big say in the matter. You wrote that Jax will use the wedding gift money to put them over the top; if he’s using the money given to both of you, will you have a say and/or a part in the business? There are a lot of legal issues here, as well, and I won’t even mention them.
Have you discussed household expenses? Where will rent money and gas money come from? Will there be any money for dinners out, mini-vacation and honeymoon? Having fun times alone, not in the house/apartment, is important, as well, in shanah rishonah (and throughout a marriage, as well.) Will there be an argument that a two-night trip to Florida or a nice dinner out is a luxury that isn’t really necessary now? And let’s throw in a baby. Having a baby involves money. Will the fact that money will be tight put your plans or his plans on hold for a baby? If you wanted to wait, you can still ask the same question.
But let’s sit back here and look at this from another perspective from what you wrote about: You are marrying Jax. The person he is. Not the title he holds, right? You’re not marrying the CEO or COO of a company. First and foremost, you’re marrying someone you love and respect and has the same feelings for you. Was his job title a little bit of what attracted you to him in the beginning? Maybe. If he was earning a nice six-figure yearly salary, it wouldn’t be strange to think of your life with both your salaries combined. Yes, nice things are nice, and nothing is wrong with them. But they also cost money, money you are not sure you will (ever) have. It wasn’t in your cards for Jax to follow his dream this soon into your relationship. Maybe you thought it would be a few years down the road and you’d have time to live together, travel, have a baby, discuss expenses. But it looks like this is happening sooner rather than later. Make sure your feelings for Jax haven’t changed because his title and finances will.
I’m sure you discussed this timing with Jax, but make sure he’s looking at this with eyes wide open. Make sure your new life together is just as important as his dream of being an entrepreneur. And you need to think of how you will feel when things get rolling and Jax is giving his all to the business while you may feel like an afterthought.
I’m not saying Jax should give up on his dream. I think you need to have a very serious conversation (again) about how much of his and your money will be invested into this business (and if it’s your money, too, do you have a say in business decisions? Will your name be anywhere on legal documents? It gets complicated.) It sounds like the timing of this is wrong, especially if it’s the wedding gift money that is solidifying the investment and timing. Maybe Jax should think about investing less of his money at this time because of your wedding and marriage. If he is a responsible, mature man, he may have thought this all out and have acceptable answers, or you may be throwing cold water on his dream.
At the end of the day, you are marrying Jax, but maybe the timing of “his dream” should be re-evaluated. That’s just my opinion.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
