Do you sometimes feel haunted by the idea that you are a bit of a dud or disappointment in some ways? Your inner critic works overtime telling you that you are a non-achiever or simply no good. Your inner commentator will disregard any evidence to the contrary. No matter how much you accomplish, that voice will keep returning to the same old theme. Your inner critic may be a world champion, disregarding all evidence of your goodness and insisting that you are simply not good enough.
Early on in your life, someone close to you may have been cold or indifferent to you. And by the way, remember when we believed Band-Aids could cure literally anything? Broken toy? Band-Aid. Broken heart? Band-Aid. But truly, what was the younger version of you like? Your mind as a child did not have a grasp of adult ideas and therefore most likely concluded that they must be “right” about you.
Bad things that happen to us do not occur because we are bad. Things in life unfold for a myriad of reasons. The world may not seem ordered or rational at times. Events do not always seem to have a logical reason that we can grasp. Things that befall us may feel entirely unfair and certainly undeserved. Yet we do not want to believe in a senseless universe. At times we cannot make sense of unbearable suffering. When you blame yourself, please know that your inner cynic and complainer is simply a part of you, and you need not listen to him.
Embrace the idea that we cannot always make sense of life. If you believe dark thoughts, it will ruin the quality of your life, sweet friends. Is the ultimate aim of all your efforts in life to be “happy”? Then you realize that you have issues with your boss. You have a problem with a child. Your difficulties certainly do not generate feelings of happiness. If you imagine that your life’s purpose is solely to be happy, you will quickly find out that satisfaction is not enduring.
Sure, your life will most certainly be interesting, but it will not always be calm and free from disturbance. From those times you may gain experience and, hopefully, insight. Remember when childhood was 50% cartoons and 50% fighting over the TV remote? Do you frequently reach the end of each day exhausted or edgy and uneasy? You may be visited by negative emotions. But know this: The value of your life is not judged by your day-to-day challenges.
You can be troubled about any number of things and not display happiness in a very obvious way. Having a rich, fulfilling life is compatible with feeling ill at ease at times. Maybe your job is not delivering the returns you hoped for. Perhaps your friendships are struggling once more. But you have developed conviction and courage. No doubt you have experienced a roller coaster of emotions throughout your life. How do you actually feel about yourself?
One of the most fundamental teachings is that the way you feel about yourself is a reflection of how others treated you and felt about you during your formative years. Then again, childhood was basically eating candy and praying our parents didn’t find the wrappers under the couch. Remember when your parents said, “Don’t sit too close to the TV”? Now we carry it in our pockets. But seriously, your self-perception is merely a mirror.
What did others expect of you as a child or teen? Of course, nothing screamed independence like pouring your own cereal without spilling milk. And needless to say: “Don’t push that button” was basically an open invitation. But truly, can you trace your emotions back to the original source? You are a precious, priceless, and valuable person. However, if no one made you feel that way, you may simply feel not quite enough.
Your feelings, sweet friends, determine your future. If you feel as though you are a failure or a foul-up, it is time to reassess your value. It has been said: People raised on love see things differently than those raised on survival. Do not judge yourself through the eyes of those who do not accept you, hold you in high esteem, or “like” you on Instagram or Facebook. Heck, nothing built character like waiting for dial-up internet. And don’t forget: Toys were the original social network.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Woodmere. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
