This week’s topic, which is really not funny, is:
TEACHING YOUR CHILD TO DRIVE: A CRASH COURSE
I actually started talking about this last week, and last week’s tips boiled down to: Try to push off the actual driving for as long as possible. For example, I pushed off all the actual driving tips to this week’s article. But eventually, you have to buckle down and do it or else your editors will start losing their patience. Or whatever.
“What inspired this article?” you ask? Well, one of my sons recently got his permit. And yes, I have a daughter older than him. And yes, the day after he got his permit, she was complaining that I’d already been driving more with my son that I had with her in total, and she already has her license. But that brings me to
STEP 8. THE PARENTS NEED TO GET USED TO THIS TOO
Starting in empty parking lots is not just about your child getting used to being behind the wheel. You have to get used to heavy-duty navigating from the passenger’s seat. My wife was the one who started with my daughter, and after a bunch of lessons, when my daughter was basically ready for streets with actual moving cars on them, my wife said, “This is really stressful. You can go with Tatty sometimes.” And Tatty said, “She might be ready for streets, but I’m not.” I needed some empty-parking-lot time first. So I very rarely actually took her out.
When I was growing up, my parents took some time to get used to the concept of driving with their kids as well. And I know this because I’m their oldest, and my first driving lesson was actually with my grandfather, alav hashalom. (Not because of this.) My parents, meanwhile, were safely out of the country at the time.
Basically, as a parent, this whole experience is like every bad dream that you’ve ever had. Like you know how the typical child’s bad dream is where they show up to school severely underdressed and realizing they forgot there’s a test on material they don’t even remember learning? We adults have a recurring dream – which starts when our child is 2 – where our kid is driving and we have no idea how they got there and we’re in the back seat and the car is moving and we’re trying to climb over the seats to stop the car but our feet are stuck.
Sure, the kids say what they can to get the parents on board.
“We can drive places for you!” my kids say. It’s like having a free driver!”
Just like in the dream!
So #1, I don’t need to pay all that extra insurance every month for an inexperienced driver that I would never hire if they were not my child. And #2, I know that normally, when I tell them to walk something down the block for me, they give me a whole argument. But now they’re going to drive around town for me?
And note that none of their arguments are about safety. But they won’t get safer without practice. So
STEP 9. MAKE SURE YOUR CHILD KNOWS ABOUT THE PEDALS
- Make sure your child is aware the first time they get behind the wheel of the car – because this is not in the driver’s manual – that if you have no foot on either pedal, the car is going to move anyway. I did not know this the first time I got into the car, and my grandfather forgot to tell me. I was going based on my experience in both bumper cars and go karts, neither of which move at all unless you absolutely floor it. My grandfather was like, “Stop the car! Why are you flooring it?!”
- Another thing you want to do immediately is build an awareness in your child that he or she is in the driver’s seat. The first time I drove, I sometimes found myself wondering why the car wasn’t stopping, and my grandfather would yell, “Stop!” And I was like, “Right! Me.” Also, it’s possible he wasn’t yelling. He just had a loud voice and it was just me and him in the car.
- Basically, this first driving session scared me away from getting my license for a good few years. At which point my parents were finally ready. And they also really badly wanted me to start dating.
STEP 10. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY AND HOW YOU SAY IT
- Don’t tell your child things like, “Make a left NOW.” “Turn left when we get to the end of this block.”
- Also, only ever use the word “right” when you mean the direction. If they are right about something, say “correct”. This will weird them out, but it’s for everyone’s safety.
STEP 11. GET WHATEVER YOU CAN DONE IN THE EMPTY PARKING LOT
- For example, you want to make sure your child obeys all stop signs, stays in their lane, and signals before turning – none of which are things you would do if you were driving in an empty parking lot.
- On our first day, my son and I spent a lot of time learning how to get in and out of parking spaces and then opening our doors to see if we were actually between the lines.
STEP 12. GET KICKED OUT OF THE PARKING LOT
- At least that’s how we did it.
- See, the problem with an empty parking lot is that a parking lot is private property, and you can be asked to leave. I know this because the first day I took my son to a parking lot that was empty besides for a few people who were clearly learning to drive, about five minutes after we got there we were all asked to leave. It’s not owners of parking lots who are telling you to use parking lots; it’s people you know.
- Ideally, even if you get a decent amount of time in an empty lot, you will want to move on to a lot full of cars that are at least stationary. The problem is that no parking lot is all cars that will stay where they are for a whole hour and not do any crazy road-ragey things. Your best option is a car dealership.
STEP 13. DEAL WITH OTHER DRIVERS
- At some point, your child will be ready for actual roads, or you’ll both be super bored of doing the same three things in the parking lot. (“I’ve practiced pulling into every single spot. Now what?”)
- Unfortunately, roads are where all the other drivers are. And that makes me nervous, for example, because statistics show that most accidents are actually caused by other drivers. So right now, if we see another soul on the road, I tell my kids they can pull over if they want and wait until the other driver has safely made it to their home.
- Another great place to transition to before actual roads is cemeteries. There’s one in every city, it’s all narrow roads with lots of quiet intersections, slow driving is encouraged, and there’s no one you can hurt. Just make sure to wash your hands when you get home.
STEP 14. GIVE THEM REAL-WORLD EXPERIENCE
- The next step is to have your child drive you on errands. And they say, “See? Errands!”
- To and from shul is also a great way to practice. For the past few days, I’ve had my son drive me to Mincha-Maariv, under the logic that holchei mitzvah einan nizakin. I think I daven more in the car than when I get there.
- If you want your child to get real real-world practice, have them drive carpool. Have them creep along at zero miles an hour two inches at a time with pedestrians running everywhere, and then they can drive circles around town with no rear visibility because all the tallest kids like sitting in the middle seats. With their dioramas.
STEP 15. OTHER THINGS YOU NEED TO TEACH
- You have to teach your child not to worry about impatient cars behind you. Those cars’ main concern is not whether you get to your destination safely.
- Your child will also have to learn that every time he or she passes a parked car on the side of the road, you will lean toward them and go, “RRRRRRHH!”
- You also need to teach your child how to parallel park. I’m not equipped to teach anyone to parallel park because I’m not good at parallel parking myself, and now this all kind of snuck up on me. At best, I can get out and say, “Left, back, back, backSTOP!” And then at the test, my child will say, “Nu?” and expect the instructor to get out of the car and do that too.
STEP 16. BE AWARE OF EVERYTHING
- This step should have come much earlier, but I put it here for the people who skip to the end. The main thing you have to get used to here, as a parent, is that you personally have to be aware of everything at all times. Do not zone out and forget that you’re basically the one driving, albeit from the passenger’s seat. With no view of the rear-view mirrors, by the way, which you told your child to adjust for their own visibility. So basically, do not under any circumstances at any point look down at your clipboard.
- Also, make sure you’re wide awake. Have a coffee. Beforehand. Not during; at least until your child has figured out the brakes.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
