World-renowned speaker Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky spoke on behalf of Chazaq, Amudim, and UJA-Federation at the Fresh Meadows Beit Eliyahu Bukharian Synagogue in Hillcrest on Tuesday evening, June 20, in memory of Jack Friedman and for a r’fuah sh’leimah for Shabsai ben Pesha Rachel.
The overflow audience was entranced by Rabbi Orlofsky’s humorous delivery that packed a powerful message on the secrets to achieving thriving relationships. In his inimitable way, he entertained the audience with humorous anecdotes that enhanced his inspiring shiur.
“You need shalom bayis,” he taught, “in order to have good chinuch for your children.”
He explained that before you marry, you need a clear vision of what you want out of life and what you want to build together with your spouse. Ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish with this marriage. You need to talk about what you want out of life.
He spoke about the idea that parenting is based on an assumption that the parent tells the child what to do. In earlier times, children did not say no to parents. The Mishnah says that in the end of days, everything will break down.
We see this breakdown in the society around us. He traced the current breakdown to the 1960s. He said, “My parents were adults. They lived through World War II and the Depression. My generation never grew up.” He noted that in the 1960s, emphasis on relationships was breaking down.
He cited a depressing song written in the 1960s by Simon and Garfunkel titled “Dangling Conversation,” which illustrated people talking without saying anything, and they weren’t listening to one another. He added that everything is too hard for us. We expect things to be easy. “Interactions are the hardest.”
In Pirkei Avos, it says that Hashem created the world with ten utterances. It uses the word “VaYomer.” This was done with no interaction with people. On the other hand, the Hebrew word “dibur” requires interaction of two people, as it’s a connection from Hebrew word “chibur.” You cannot have dibur without a relationship. To have a relationship, there has to be someone speaking and someone listening. In Stephen R. Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he stresses that you have to seek to understand before trying to be understood.
VaY’dabeir is the lashon of love. It’s hard words, but it means someone cares and wants to help you change and grow. Only someone who cares about you will tell you what you need to change. VaY’dabeir is used by Yaakov when he is giving blessings to his children, and he tells Reuven that he’s impulsive and he tells Shimon and Levi that they have an anger problem. The best brachah is when people tell you about what you need to hear because that means they care about you.
Psychologists say they could be replaced by a good friend who is a good listener. People want to be understood. People want to interact. He emphasized that “when people feel understood, they can change their lives.”
When you go into a relationship, you need to look at it from the other person’s point of view. “What can I do for him? How can I help him?” People want to be heard and to have an opportunity to speak.
He said, “Children are not nachas machines. Our job as parents is to see what we can do for them.”
The problem today is people go into marriage saying, “What’s in it for me?” Marriage is about us building something in this world together.
Often, in school, children can get the message that they aren’t needed and that no one cares about them. They feel they aren’t important.
He shared that to engage in a relationship, you have to take someone seriously. If you don’t take your spouse or kids seriously, they feel you don’t care enough to argue with them.
He concluded that we will either be for G-d or against Him. We have the ability to change the world. We have the ability to change people’s lives. “In your relationship with your family, neighbors, people at work, and people you meet, reach out to them and seek to understand and to establish a relationship. You cannot believe the power you have!”
By Susie Garber
