On Sunday night, December 28, Rabbi Yakov Danishefsky, LCSW, CSAT, delivered an uplifting virtual shiur on the job description of a husband, presented on behalf of Let’s Get Real with Coach Menachem. Rabbi Danishefsky is the founder of Mind-Body Therapy, a private group practice in Chicago. He is a popular speaker and teacher for congregations, organizations, and schools, and the author of the book Attached: Connecting to Our Creator – A Jewish Psychological Approach.
Rabbi Danishefsky emphasized that this shiur is not intended as fuel for criticism. It is meant for men to listen to directly and for women to share with their sons (when age-appropriate) so they can understand the role and responsibilities of being a husband. He cautioned that the information should never be used in a weaponizing or overly critical way.
Additionally, this is not a call for perfection – no human can perform this role flawlessly. Many men enter marriage without a clear understanding of what their job entails, so he is providing this job description to help them know what to aspire to.
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and people can misuse or weaponize information inappropriately. Different situations require different approaches, and this guidance does not apply in cases involving severe mental health issues, etc.
What follows is the ideal form of a husband’s role. The first crucial question a man should ask himself is: Where does this job rank on my list of priorities? How important is it?
From what Rabbi Danishefsky has learned, a man must understand that his shalom bayis (marital harmony) is his number one job in this world from the moment he marries. It takes precedence over his relationships with friends, his family of origin, his children, his Torah learning, and his career. The quality of his relationship with his wife must be number one on his list.
This does not mean excluding other responsibilities. Rather, a man’s relationship with his wife is the top priority in his life. If it isn’t, he will never fully actualize his potential. Many Acharonim explain the Gemara’s teaching: If a husband and wife merit a healthy relationship, the Shechinah dwells with them; if not, a fire consumes them.
He recommended studying the sefer Binyan HaBayis by Rabbi Moshe Shuchatowitz (available in English as The Living Marriage), which quotes extensively from g’dolim of the previous generation and discusses the job description of a husband in depth. Every husband should learn this sefer if possible – in Hebrew, or in English if Hebrew is not feasible. The Gemara is explicit: There is no middle ground.
“If your shalom bayis is not the most important thing in your life, you will never be successful.” This idea appears in the Gemara in Gittin, where Rabbi Yosi refers to his wife as “my home.” He means that she is like your home: You may leave it for short or long periods, but your lifestyle revolves around it. It is your home base – the center around which everything else orbits. You are tethered to it. My wife, my shalom bayis, is the home of my life – the central pillar. Everything else revolves around it. I may spend more time outside the home, but the core is not my job; everything revolves around my shalom bayis. That is the first and most important piece.
Rabbi Danishefsky then detailed the job description:
My fundamental job as a husband is that my wife never has to go through anything in life alone. This does not mean she can’t choose to handle things independently, but she should always feel that I prioritize being there as a nurturing support for whatever she faces – whether profound or seemingly mundane. I am readily available to accompany her.
I invite her into my world. This means consistently asking my wife for advice and sharing what is happening in my work, yeshivah, or daily life.
I share my feelings. This is divided into subcategories:
Appreciation: Expressing genuine, personal appreciation for what she does. It should come from a connected place – for example: “It was meaningful to me when you did this,” or “I appreciate when you do this.”
Sharing feelings of love: Focusing on who she is – her personality and nature. This is about appreciating her essence, not just her actions: “It lights me up how you are,” “It has changed my life how you are,” or “This is something I love about you.”
Sharing feedback, distress, or negative feelings: Expressing disappointment, frustration, hurt, or rejection – ways she might be doing something that bothers me. This is essential for a good marriage, but it can only be effective after consistently doing a lot of appreciation and love-sharing. Not sharing feedback leads to shutting down. There should be consistent appreciation and love, with feedback expressed less frequently, but at the right times and in the right ways. The idea that “I can’t change my spouse” is an oversimplified and mistaken concept. Spouses should help each other grow – that is what marriage is about. Part of growing together is expressing and hearing feedback.
If we have young children, the general principle is that you should be home every day (as a rule) from 7:15-8:00 a.m., fully engaged, and again from 5:00-8:30 p.m., equally sharing the responsibility of raising the children. (You are not just “helping” your wife – you are equally involved.) “There are exceptions, but I’ve found that if a husband is not doing this, their shalom bayis takes a significant hit.”
Finally, our world has come to accept frequent husband travel as normal, but this is problematic. Part of a husband’s job description is limiting travel as much as possible.
Last, he mentioned the mitzvah of onah (marital intimacy).
This shiur offers valuable guidance for building and maintaining a strong, Torah-based marriage.
