Question: Is it permissible to share lashon ha’ra with your wife?
Short Answer: This is a big dispute, with the Chofetz Chaim seemingly forbidding it unless necessary for the speaker’s mental health, and other poskim ruling leniently based on the concept of “ishto k’gufo” (that a husband and wife are like one person).
Explanation:
I. The Famous Words of the Chofetz Chaim
The Chofetz Chaim writes (Klal 8:10) that, when speaking lashon ha’ra, it doesn’t make a difference if the speaker tells the lashon ha’ra to a friend or to the speaker’s wife. In both cases, unless the lashon ha’ra has a permitted purpose, the speaker violates the prohibition of lashon ha’ra. The Chofetz Chaim then lists an example of a permitted purpose, where a husband warns his wife to stay away from certain proprietors who cheat.
The Chofetz Chaim concludes by warning a husband against telling his wife every detail about his day, as this may lead to lashon ha’ra, as well as causing his wife to hate other people (who wronged her husband) and will potentially cause her to look down at her husband (for being attacked by others). Notably, in the B’eir Mayim Chayim, the Chofetz Chaim cites Avos D’Rabbi Nasan (Perek 7) as the source for his statement that lashon ha’ra is forbidden even to a spouse. Avos D’Rabbi Nasan states that a man should not be “marbeh sichah im ha’ishah” – spend too much time talking with a woman, even his wife. This will lead to the man telling his wife facts about his day that will embarrass him and his friend.
II. A Leniency?
Nevertheless, the Chofetz Chaim (10:14) does provide a key leniency by lashon ha’ra in general (not specifically to a spouse). He suggests that it is perhaps (“efshar”) permitted to speak lashon ha’ra if the speaker needs to speak it for his mental health (“l’hafig es daagaso”).
In the B’eir Mayim Chayim, the Chofetz Chaim explains the source of this leniency. The Gemara (Yoma 75a), based on a pasuk in Mishlei, gives advice to a person who is bothered by something. Either remove it from your mind or tell it to others (thereby alleviating frustration).
As an aside, based upon the above sources in the Chofetz Chaim, the sefer Eimek HaLashon (38) writes that perhaps the Avos D’Rabbi Nasan does not call this negative speech to one’s wife bona fide lashon ha’ra, and instead gives reasons about embarrassment. Because there is a leniency to discuss with your wife negative facts in order to improve mental health, it is not actually lashon ha’ra. Nevertheless, it is frowned upon by Avos D’Rabbi Nasan because of this other reason of embarrassment. The Eimek HaLashon notes that the Chofetz Chaim does not appear to learn the Avos D’Rabbi Nasan in this manner; rather he holds that it is bona fide lashon ha’ra to speak negatively about someone to your wife.
III. The Strict Opinions
Practically, does telling your wife lashon ha’ra as part of your marriage and mental health fall under this leniency?
Many rule strictly, that it is still forbidden to tell your wife lashon ha’ra, like the earlier Chofetz Chaim ruled. For example, the Rosh HaM’dabrim (R’ M. Peretz, Siman 23) writes that he heard that a “great talmid chacham, one of the leading poskim” permitted telling lashon ha’ra to your wife to calm yourself down. The Rosh HaM’dabrim challenges this ruling, as a person has other options to calm himself down: (i) write the lashon ha’ra down; (ii) tell it to his wife without giving names or identifying details; or (iii) tell someone else without giving names or identifying details.
Similarly, Rav Avigdor Nebenzahl shlita (cited in Simchas Mordechai, p.610) was asked whether the Chazon Ish actually permitted lashon ha’ra to a wife (as it was reported in the name of the Chazon Ish), and if yes, can a single person share lashon ha’ra with a close friend? Rav Nebenzahl replied that he never heard of such a leniency from the Chazon Ish. See also sefer Tahor S’fasayim (R’ Shlomo Aviner, p. 125).
IV. The Lenient Opinions
Rav Gamliel Rabinovitch (Gam Ani Odecha, Piskei Hora’ah 1:5) discusses our issue and cites the sefer Om Ani Chomah (Rav Mordechai Gross) who cites Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach who ruled that a husband and wife may share all details with each other, as this is the point of marriage, to have one spouse help out the other work out problems and grievances. This is a stronger leniency than the “mental health” leniency of the Chofetz Chaim. Even though the Chofetz Chaim appeared to rule that lashon ha’ra to a spouse was forbidden, that is only where there is a fear that the husband will lose respect in the eyes of his wife by telling her the negative things that were said about him.
Rav Gamliel confirms that this was the opinion of the Chazon Ish, the Sheivet HaKehasi, and the Chayei Levi. However, the Chayei Levi gave a few conditions, including that there should be no exaggerations. The leniency of the Chazon Ish, that we say “ishto k’gufo,” is also cited in Chashukei Chemed (Avodah Zarah, p. 309).
The sefer V’ein Lanu Michshol (Sh’miras Dibur 2, p. 142) writes that a husband must let his wife tell him about his day (or vice versa), including details that are lashon ha’ra, as this is necessary for her (or his) mental health. However, the listener must not believe the lashon ha’ra and just try to provide a listening ear. In his footnotes, he cites the Sefer Chasidim (64) who allows a friend to do the same thing if necessary.
Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz, in a shiur on YUTorah (July 13, 2016), quotes Rav Aharon Lichtenstein as ruling leniently, as well.
V. The Sin of the M’raglim
As an interesting aside, the pasuk (D’varim 1:27) recalls that the spies retired to their tents upon badmouthing Eretz Yisrael (“va’teiragnu b’ahaleichem”). Rashi understands this to mean that the spies spoke lashon ha’ra in their tents and were punished. The sefer Avir Yaakov suggests that the spies mistakenly thought that it was permitted to speak lashon ha’ra to their wives (“in their tents”), but were incorrect, as the Chofetz Chaim (above) ruled.
Rabbi Ephraim Glatt, Esq. is Associate Rabbi at the Young Israel of Kew Gardens Hills and a practicing litigation attorney. Questions? Comments? Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
