I love it when people help others. I am the one tearing up watching the videos of strangers helping strangers on the street. These people don’t know each other. They don’t owe anyone anything. They are not obligated in any way to go out of their way to help another person. But they do! These people give me hope. For every rude person who doesn’t hold the door open when they see you’re five feet behind them carrying packages, for all the people with road rage cutting you off, for all the Dunkin Donuts employees who wouldn’t let my daughter, three years old at the time, use the bathroom because “that’s the rules.” To which I responded, “I’ll buy a coffee. She’s three. Please.” and still the employee asked me to leave the store (not the DD on Main Street.) For all of those people, who make me wonder what happened to them to make them so hard and bitter towards others, these are some that still give me hope.
Again, I will interrupt my pre-written articles/letters to publish this one first. These letters are in response to a letter that was recently published, titled: The Talk of Town – where a wife/mother wrote how her son asked her not to divorce his father/her husband until he finds a shidduch. The son didn’t want his parents’ divorce to impact the type of family he would be redt to. But unfortunately, even staying married and enduring all the pain didn’t make a difference; her son wasn’t being redt to “good families,” and she was told she would be lucky for her son to marry into an “okay family.” The mother/wife was heartbroken for herself and the children. I received many emails from women who felt this mother’s pain, who had been in similar situations. They provided words of chizuk to her. I forwarded all the emails (once permitted by the writers) to the mother. She was so appreciative. She told me that she now has some hope. She was able to make a few connections and was introduced to shadchanim who would look for the best families they were able to find for the son, not just from “okay” families.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I’m writing to the mother who is devastated that even though she is not divorcing her husband right now for her son’s sake, it makes no difference, because her husband is known all over town and his reputation has damaged the son’s chances of a good shidduch.
Mom, I hear you and feel your pain. Years ago, I was in a similar situation. But I had no choice but to leave my marriage. My husband had fallen victim to many addictions, and for the sake of my children (and mine) I had to divorce him. At the time, my children were preteens. Even knowing about my husband’s addictions, and the danger he was putting us and himself through, people tried to convince me to stay with him. They tried to make me feel guilty and even used my children’s chance at a good shidduch as reason for me to stay married.
We live in a crazy world. People would rather put on appearances, pretending everything is fine, when really it’s hell behind closed doors. They (including some rabbis who should be ashamed of their actions) tried gaslighting me. They told me how addiction is a disease and my husband needed help, not the abandonment of his family. No, my husband knew what he was doing, he had been through a few rounds of rehab and kept returning to his addictions. It is the lowest of the low that try to convince a woman to keep her children in a dangerous situation for the sake of...? For the sake of what? When I asked for help, no one came. Now that I was finally ready to leave, they step in and tell me how concerned they are for me and for my kids – if I leave. Not if I stay, but if I leave. When they brought shidduchim into the picture, that is where I drew the line. Stay for another eight to ten years at least? What about my children? Don’t they need to grow up in a stable home with a responsible caring, loving parent who makes them their priority? I’m not saying that your son is wrong or selfish to ask you to stay, but I can understand his reasoning. Our society is obsessed with making a good shidduch from the time a child is born. Even joking if a boy and girl are friends when they are toddlers, it’s “a good shidduch.” The jokes are ingrained in our brains and so we constantly think of how to make a good shidduch. So, I can’t blame him. But you did nothing wrong. Don’t feel as if it was all for nothing because of what shadchanim are telling you. You tried your best to keep your family together. But now, you know what must be done. Don’t let shadchanim get to you.
I left. It was hard but I left. I stayed in my community because I didn’t want to uproot my kids’ lives any more than I had to and take them from their school, friends, and cousins. Many thought I was the one with the issue, leaving my husband. But I know I did what was right. And when it came time for shidduchim, I found shadchanim who never mentioned how my situation would or could affect my children. They all knew I was a single mother. Some knew why, others didn’t. But it wasn’t an issue. My children were rejected by some girls and their families. I don’t think all of the rejections were because I left their father or their father’s addictions (which never got better). Some probably were, but people reject others for the silliest of reasons. My children are now married to wonderful people from wonderful families who did not let my children’s father or addictions or me divorcing him get in the way of them finding their basherts.
There are shadchanim out there, good ones who know great families. Families that won’t judge your son for his father’s behavior or the fact that you feel you must divorce him. I can put you in touch with the right shadchanim. I don’t know where you live or anything about your son, but that can be figured out later. Goldy, please forward my contact information to this mother. Please call me. These shadchanim are doing wrong by you and your son.
Been There and Survived It
*****
Ima:
I know you feel that all of your suffering has been for naught, since your husband’s behavior is the talk of the town and affecting your son’s chances of being redt to good families. But that’s not true. There’s no right or wrong answer here. Your husband should not be responsible for the families your children will have later in life.
The shadchanim whom you’re speaking with are wrong in so many ways. There are wonderful, good families that will welcome your children with open arms. Baruch Hashem, I have a large family and two of my daughters married into what others would consider “problematic families.” I’m not shocked that my sons-in-law are wonderful husbands, great fathers, and good men. One of them is from a family where the parents divorced when he was ten. Was it his fault they divorced? Was he the evil one who broke up the family? No. So why overlook him as a potential son-in-law and soulmate for my daughter? It would be punishing him as well as my daughter to judge him strictly on what his family experienced. And that is what the shadchanim are doing themselves; they say it’s the families, but they are part of the problem. I know exactly what you mean when you say you want to tell people that you come from a good family and everything else is good about you and your son; it’s just his father who’s the problem. My son-in-law had said as much when he was dating my daughter. The siblings of both of these sons-in-law are wonderful people, and we love that they are part of our extended family. We separated them from the issue.
Like Goldy has said, words are powerful. All families are good families. But some have had an easier time than others or have navigated turbulent waters better than some. We are all one nation. Now more than ever, we should love each one of us when there is so much going against the Jewish nation and Israel today. You are strong and brave, and now you know it’s time to remove your children from this toxic environment. That is so courageous. Your son may not understand it now, but he will one day; you staying or leaving is not affecting whom he is being redt to. You are dealing with the wrong shadchanim! And if that is what they said to you, then they obviously don’t have any girls in their files from any family that has seichel enough to separate the family situation, your actions, your son, and his father. They would lump it all together. These shadchanim are horrible for saying what they did. It’s hard, but you can’t let them get to you. Just because they are a shadchan does not mean they can say whatever they want because “it’s true.” Nothing is pure emes with how shidduchim are being handled in today’s world. A woman or man who knows many singles thinks they have a license to have diarrhea of the mouth and justify it by saying they are trying to help you and tell you the truth? Ima, run away from them as fast as you can!
Nothing is wrong with your family that someone should feel ashamed or embarrassed to be a part of it. Look at what a wonderful example their mother is setting! Find other shadchanim. Maybe deal with people in your own circle who don’t think of you as a “nebach family.” Maybe friends, cousins, or neighbors who really know you are the ones to turn to now, who can help find your son a wife and advocate for you.
Hang in there. Your son and other children will stand under the chupah and will marry into wonderful families. You just need to change your trajectory of how you are going to go about it.
A Sister Yid
*****
I hope these letters give you and others in your situation some chizuk. Let’s all keep in mind: Just because someone tells you something, doesn’t mean it’s a “d’Oraisa.”
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
