Once (or twice) a year, I give over the column space to a single. It’s usually an older single, recalling some of his or her experiences and asking the married frum community to consider something or another when trying to set up singles or inviting them to a Shabbos meal. The letter below is a little different. It’s a single talking to the singles and empowering them. I can’t tell you how many men and women need chizuk about shidduchim. But sometimes, before you are ready and want to look for a spouse, you need to love and accept yourself first.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I am a 49-year-old CPA living in my own apartment in Manhattan. I have a wonderful, supportive family and great friends. And yes, everything would be perfect and tied in a bow if “husband” can be added to the list of things I have. But it isn’t. There is no husband. But there is a “me.”
To make a very long story short, I have dated hundreds of men of all categories: never married, divorced, divorced with children, widowed, baal t’shuvah, ger. I’ve also racked up the frequent flyer miles dating, as well. I’ve flown to Florida, Chicago, California, Israel, and Italy. Yes, I happen to be going to these destinations for vacations, but I always tried to find a local shadchan. I don’t want to not date just because I am relaxing and taking time off work. I don’t mind moving to another state or country; I’m very open to that. I’m an equal opportunity gal. If you appear to be a decent human being (on paper) and your references can vouch for you, I probably dated you.
I can’t pinpoint the exact age, but it was around 35 or 37 – that’s when I started to feel...old.
How many dead-end dates had I been on by then? How many friends’ weddings had I attended? Now I was getting invitations to my friends’ children’s bar/bas mitzvah. Calls from shadchanim were coming few and far between. I guess I was in a dating slump. I felt that life went on without me. I was living the same life I had been living since elementary school. Replace work with school, and replace my parents’ house with my own apartment. Other than that, how was my life different? I felt it wasn’t. I kind of withdrew from my social circle for a while. I didn’t want to go out to eat, to a movie, shopping, yoga, Shabbos meals with other “singles” even if they were my friends. I didn’t want to be around “those like me.” I kept thinking of the Dr. Suess book Sneetches with Stars. I was one of those without “stars upon thars.” And felt that the Sneetches with stars wanted nothing to do with me. The star I was missing was an engagement/wedding ring. Of course, looking back now, I know that is ridiculous, but feelings aren’t always logical.
For months, I kept to myself. Going to work, smiling, talking to my parents and siblings on the phone, but not doing much more. I declined vort and wedding invitations, I was sinking into a hole. I was seeing my future: looking at my nieces and nephews, the kids of my friends, and I was going to be the aunt/friend who gives the best presents. I don’t have to go on; you get the picture.
After being down in the dumps for a while, my sister sat me down and we had a long discussion. It was a very honest and blunt discussion. We discussed my life, what I want from it now – not what my plans for the future were, because I have had those plans for over a decade. She saw the dark hole I was going down and she snapped me out of it. She was like a drill sergeant. And it was exactly what I needed.
She asked me if I loved myself. It seemed like a strange question. But she asked it and she kept asking it. If I loved myself, why would I cut all ties with friends and the outside world? Since I’ve been with myself for the previous few months, what do I think of the life I’ve been living? Don’t I owe it to myself to discover who I really am – other than someone sitting on the couch, going to and from work. Of course I loved myself, but I was caging myself, like one puts a pet in a carrier when traveling. I was able to see the world pass before my eyes, but I wasn’t engaging in it and enjoying myself.
It wasn’t overnight, but in a matter of months, I re-established my friendships: I invited friends over, went out with them, attended shiurim, listened to podcasts, even read books about “getting to know and love yourself.” I rediscovered who I was. I am a vivacious, fun, smart, interesting woman, who has a great job and an interest in living life to its fullest. I joined a yoga gym and started a small book club with some of my co-workers and a few friends. I spun a globe and wherever my finger landed, I decided to go and visit. Morocco. I convinced a friend of mine that it would be fun to be out of our comfort zone and discover a place we never thought we’d go. Plenty of kosher food options, so why not? We had a fabulous time there. I learned about a culture I didn’t think I had much interest in, and now found out that I love spicy foods. Spices of all types, not just hot and peppery.
I didn’t go to a retreat or get a life coach to find my inner self, although I kept talking with my sister more regularly than before. I did what I was able to do with what tools I had at my fingertips: seichel, my friends and family, a desire to not waste away in my apartment or to be the favorite aunt by default. I didn’t need thousands of dollars to invest in myself to find out who I am and who I want to be. I was going to love myself and then find someone who feels the same. My drill sergeant sister kept asking me what I did (other than work) that day? What was I feeling? How did I think my day could improve? If I was in a bad mood, etc. By doing all of this, I realized: I love who I am, and I’ll be damned if I was going to be made to feel like an Old Maid. The frum community looks at any single male or female over the age of 30 with pity in their eyes. The older you are, the more pity there is.
For some reason I wasn’t married. I had been in a few serious relationships, but they weren’t meant to be. But here I was. Why waste my time on what I don’t have and not embrace what I have and who I am? I don’t have time for a pity party anymore and, yeah, I thumb my nose at all those frum people who think my life isn’t complete without a husband. My life is full and as complete as I want it to be. I can’t miss what I never had. I can’t mourn what was never mine. I can want it, but not cry about what I don’t have YET. I believe it will happen. Im yirtzeh Hashem, I’ll become a kallah. To whom, when? Don’t know. But whoever the lucky guy is, he’ll be getting someone who knows who she is, accepts her faults (we all have some), loves out loud and who she is and who she chooses to surround herself with in life.
For all of you singles who felt like me before my sister got ahold of me – is it a happy feeling? One you enjoy? No? Then do something about it. Like Goldy and many others have said and wrote: If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to? I’m not saying it’s impossible; but wouldn’t it be better if you were happy with yourself first? And you don’t need lots of money to do so. Get a self-help book, listen to a podcast, call a friend – just do something! You are a wonderful person who has so much to offer to life; you’re not just a single, not just an employee, not just a sister/brother or aunt/uncle. You owe it to yourself to love yourself. And when you do, don’t expect your bashert to be around the corner. It may take years. Love yourself for years, because you will be yourself for the rest of your life. You will also enjoy being part of a couple if you embrace and love yourself.
I hope that someone who is down in the dumps reads and really gets my message. Do whatever works for you – but do something!
Chanie
*****
Wow! Great letter, Chanie. Thank you for sending it.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
