I like to verify that everything I publish in my column is 100 percent true. When someone tells me something that starts with “You gotta write about this...,” I always question them about how they came to know the facts that they are telling me, and if the facts are accurate, not embellished to “make a good story.” A close friend told me the following story, assuring me that all is true, and nothing is exaggerated because “how could you exaggerate this?” She said that her family knows the people in the story.
When my friend finished telling the story, she said that although the ending was a little out of the norm, it’s becoming to be the norm today, so nothing should shock anyone. But the lesson can still be learned. She’s right, and so I am publishing what she told me. I told her that many readers will probably be upset at how the story ends, saying, “but that’s not right either.” But you can’t win everyone over. Some readers will doubt, but many will enjoy. I will let you all be the judge.
The true story:
Two chavrusos have been learning together for years. I’ll refer to them as Chavrusa A and Chavrusa B. They speak about everything, in addition to what they’re learning. Both men have daughters in the dating parshah. Chavrusa B asked how shidduchim were going, because he knows firsthand how hard it can be to marry off children. He had two of his own that he married off in recent years.
Chavrusa A said that it’s been very hard, because they hardly receive any calls from shadchanim for his daughter. Chavrusa A is not a rich man, nor does he have any yichus. He is a plain, normal everyday type of man. He and his wife work full time to provide for their family. They are an average middle-class family. Both men couldn’t figure out why Chavrusa A’s daughter was having such a difficult time dating. The daughter was looking for someone who was learning “full time” and she was prepared to be a kollel wife.
A few weeks later, Chavrusa A told B that his daughter went on a date the previous night, but it was horrible. He said that it was so horrible that he himself called the shadchan and asked why she had set his daughter up with that bachur. Chavrusa A complained that, just because he wasn’t from a wealthy or important family, it didn’t mean that his daughter should go out with “any” bachur that a shadchan thinks of. He wanted his daughter to marry a mentch!
Chavrusa B was shocked at what his friend was saying. He couldn’t imagine what had happened on this date to make his mild-mannered friend fly into such a frenzy. He asked about the date. Chavrusa A said, “Right away I knew he wasn’t the type of person for my daughter. He wasn’t wearing a hat. My daughter and wife made it very clear to the shadchan the type of boy we’re looking for, and a hat was on the list. He showed up without a hat! I almost closed the door on him, but I didn’t want to be rude.”
Chavrusa B remembers how hot it was the previous night and reminded Chavrusa A of the previous day’s temperature, that it stayed in the 90s well after sunset. Chavrusa B suggested that the young bachur was hot and may have chosen not to wear it because he didn’t want to sweat on the date. Chavrusa A paid no attention; he said that when the shadchan called him back about this issue, he was told that the bachur had told her that he took off his hat and jacket and put them in the backseat when he started the drive over to the house for the date. He had gotten stuck in traffic and was going to be a little late. When he arrived at the house, he put on his jacket, but forgot his hat in the car.
Chavrusa B thought that was a legitimate explanation. But Chavrusa A said that he wasn’t accepting it. His daughter was very disappointed in the boy, and for that reason alone the daughter didn’t want to go out with him again. Chavrusa B thought that this was ridiculous. On one hand, his friend was upset that his daughter didn’t get set up very often; and then when she is, they are all faulting this poor bachur because he forgot his hat in the car!
Chavrusa B asked A if his daughter had a nice time on the date – even if the hat was not involved – if the bachur came from a good family, if he was a mentch. Chavrusa A answered yes to his questions, but he couldn’t get over the hat issue. Chavrusa B decided to drop the whole matter because it didn’t make any sense to him, so they continued learning.
A couple of months later, Chavrusa A received a call from Chavrusa B inviting him to the l’chayim of his daughter. Chavrusa B was happy for his friend, wished him mazal tov, and said that he will do his best to attend the l’chayim. When Chavrusa B showed up at the l’chayim, he asked Chavrusa A to introduce him to the chasan’s father so he can wish him mazal tov. Chavrusa A looked at him and said, “He’s not here.” Chavrusa B wondered where the father of the chasan could be on such an important and joyous night if not at the l’chayim? When he asked his friend about the whereabouts of his future m’chutan, he was told, “He’s in prison.”
End of story.
I know what I was thinking when I heard this story, and I vividly remember what my friend said after she finished relating the story. Chavrusa A was insulted that the first fellow forgot his hat in the car. He yelled at the shadchan that it was so horrible. He couldn’t overlook it, even if the bachur was a mentch, even though his daughter had a relatively nice time during the date. But Chavrusa B and his daughter saw beyond the headlines – father in prison – because they were more interested in the boy than his father. This boy/man was a mentch, and would treat his daughter properly. It was unfortunate that the father was in prison (white collar) but that didn’t matter to Chavrusa B. It seems that Chavrusa A was more hung up on appearances and what was the proper protocol rather than actually finding out about the bachur and his family and how he would treat his daughter.
What I am pointing out is that the fellow who forgot his hat in the car made a mistake, but Chavrusa A’s reaction was a bit blown up according to my opinion (that’s one of the reasons I questioned my friend about the story). It appears Chavrusa A was personally insulted by the shadchan for suggesting a fellow for his daughter who did not wear a hat. He didn’t even accept the shadchan’s explanation. The young fellow was nervous, he wanted to make a good impression, he didn’t want to be late, it was hot – but there seems not to have been any reaction to the m’chutan sitting in jail.
I’m not attributing anything to the “shidduch crisis,” but maybe we can learn from this story. Read between the lines here.
Again, I asked my friend if this story was true, and she said that she knows Chavrusa B and his family and that is where she heard the story.
You be the judge.
Hatzlachah to you all
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
