Dear Goldy:
I’m writing for my sister. My sister is a sweet, fun, creative young woman – she’s normal. She’s 27 and just went out with a jerk.
She went out with a guy for about three weeks. They went out a lot, a couple of times a week, which is a lot for her in a small amount of time. She didn’t tell anyone, but I could tell she really liked him. It was more of what she wasn’t saying about him that said it all. Plus, I never heard her talk about another guy that she dated like him, when she did decide to discuss him.
Last night, he made her cry instead of smile. It turns out that this immature jerk was dating two other girls at the same time. Not double-dating, but triple-dating! He told her he wanted to be honest with her because he felt bad. Sometimes he would date two of the girls in one day: one day date and one evening date. It’s not like he’s coming in from another country or city and going out with five girls in two days – at least I’d be able to understand that. He said he liked the shidduch resumes of all three and couldn’t decide which one to pick first, so he dated all at once. As if the girls were served up on a platter to him! My sister said that he knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but he did it. Now he feels bad because he realizes that he never really gave her or the other girls 100 percent of his attention and wasn’t fully invested in their dates like my sister and the others were. He said that he feels bad, because any other time he would probably continue dating my sister, but because he was so busy and distracted, he decided to concentrate on one girl at a time and he was choosing one of the other girls to “concentrate” on first. Can you believe he actually said that?? The piece of garbage had the nerve to say that he doesn’t want my sister to feel bad. She’s a great girl, yada yada yada, and if things don’t work out with the other girls, maybe he’d call her.
Maybe he’d call her?? What kind of statement is that to say? It’s almost as if “If you’re lucky, I’ll choose to date you again.” I’m glad he cleared his conscience by coming clean. But what about my sister? He’s treating this like a contest, like she came in third. He’s disgusting. I’m soooo glad (not) that he feels good about coming clean – but he came clean the wrong way and never should have done this to begin with.
My sister (and the others) are real people, with real feelings. You don’t know how something like this can affect another person. Will she be able to let her guard down and trust another guy again? Why couldn’t he say that it wasn’t working out, and then later he can call my sister back and say he “reconsidered and wanted to date again.” In this case, the truth was not a good choice.
Don’t you think the shadchan who set this up should know about this? About who this guy really is?
Shari (the disgusted sister)
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Thank you for your letter, Shari.
Ugh! I hate this story. Just hate it. There are so many things wrong with it. I’m not going to get into the double-dating debate because I can see both sides. For women, they must wait to be “chosen.” What if they get chosen by two men (or the mommies/shadchanim) at the same time? There’s a good chance that by telling one “I’m sorry. I’m busy now,” that she won’t have another chance to date him because he’ll move. So, to double-date at the very beginning of a “relationship” (it’s not a relationship, but I can’t find the right word to describe it) is fine in my book. This is before feelings and emotions come into play. For men, double-dating – I want to say that the same kind of scenario can happen – he agrees to go out with someone when another shidduch is redt that sounds so good, or was perhaps redt before but they didn’t date, so he agrees to start dating both. But often, the man just accepts dates because the shadchanim come to him. I don’t know what or why this fellow did this to her and two others. But it’s clear that if your sister went out on several dates for three weeks, it went past the beginning phase and real feelings developed, at least on her part.
Am I going to give him brownie points for coming clean and telling your sister (and hopefully the other two women) the truth? I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll give him blondie points because his delivery bombed. First to be hit with the fact that your sister was one of three girls and then to be told he was going to concentrate on one girl, giving all his attention to that girl and that girl isn’t her?? And then maybe he’ll call if things don’t work out? “MAYBE!!!!” So, he may not ever call her if someone else catches his eye or she may be number three? This is so messed up! Oy, my head is literally on my hands. If I were a fly on the wall, listening while this seemingly brainless “man” was talking, I’d fly to his ear and scream “Abort! Abort mission! You’re going down in flames.”
Shari, get up and take your sister out to a movie or for pizza. Get your sister out of the house so she doesn’t spend another minute wondering if she missed the clues or wonder, “When he said___, did he mean it?” She needs a distraction.
I am not saying to push her hurt feelings away. She’ll still hurt and feels like a fool for a little while. And who can blame her? She was dating someone she liked and then had the rug pulled out from under her. I’d be licking my wounds, as well. She can go out and date others. You mentioned she was fun and creative. I’m sure she’s a great catch and she’ll be snatched up soon. But I agree, she may have trust issues. And that would be normal, given what has happened.
Now you wrote about alerting the shadchan. I’m on the fence about this one. This fellow is a good guy who did a bad thing. (Yes, I used the word guy here because it fits.) Does this fall under the umbrella of warning others because, chas v’shalom, he was a danger to himself or others or a con artist – no. Those would be the only reasons why I would “report” someone to a shadchan. But let’s be real here: He probably has several shadchanim setting him up. They all won’t get the bat signal as to what he’s done. Some shadchanim probably won’t even care about this. They’ll still set him up.
Shari, I hope he doesn’t do this again, but I can’t police him. I know you feel that something should be done to let the world know that he’s a jerk because your sister was hurt by him, but I don’t think it will make a difference in the long run. Plus, others may get caught up in the issue of this being lashon ha’ra and how it can ruin his reputation when they think nothing wrong was done. And then the whole message is lost. It’s a very touchy topic. But your sister should do what she feels is right. You love her and want to look out for her, but it’s for her to call the shadchan if she wants to, not yours. She may call the shadchan and just say that things didn’t work out, but not share the full story because she may feel embarrassed, although she has nothing to be embarrassed about. (This is, of course, if they stopped using the shadchan. But several dates in three weeks leads me to believe that they may have already “dropped the shadchan.”) If I were your sister, I’d let this catfish swim away and not try to pull him in, if he nibbles on her bait in the future.
This dating world is crazy! This is just another example of it. It may be fine in the secular world to casually date someone and not be “exclusive” to each other, but I don’t find that in our world. Women are dating for the purpose of finding their life partner, so there is nothing casual about it. I’m not saying that this man didn’t take it seriously; but he said it himself: He couldn’t invest his whole self and concentrate on the dates because of all that he was juggling. And yes, visiting a country or a city is the only time when I think speed dating is fine. You’re in one location for a finite amount of time and need to cram in as many dates as you can; but then, you only go out a second time with the one whom you think you made a connection with.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
