Dear Goldy,
I may be out of tune with how the younger generation dates, but I don’t think I’m so out of tune that what my son told me is totally correct.
My son has been going out with a girl for the past few weeks. I don’t badger him with questions about details; I ask a general, “How’s it going with ___?” Whatever he tells me is fine. Of course, I want all of my children happy and in love with whom they choose as a partner. But as I began the letter, maybe dating has changed so much that I’m not understanding parts of it.
On the occasions my son has decided to share details with me, I get excited. I can see that he has developed feelings for this girl who, on paper, seems very nice and whose references all checked out... but from what my son is telling me... I don’t know.
More than once, it seems as if she is using my son for what he can provide for her. By that, I mean a ride somewhere, leftovers from dinner... My son told me more than once that the girl, whom I will call Malka, has taken home the leftovers from dinners, whether it be at a fancy restaurant or a cafe/pizza place. My son, being a good gentleman raised with good midos, offers them to her instead of the restaurant throwing the food in the garbage, which would be bal tashchis. I remember an article you published about a woman who always ordered extra so that she would have a meal for the next night. It doesn’t sound like she is doing that because I’ve casually asked what was ordered by each of them. It was just some leftovers. But doing this more than once?
My son also mentioned dropping her off not at home, but at friends’ houses a few times. One of those times was during the day, not evening or late night, and another time was later in the evening. It seems like my son is just the first stop of Malka’s night, and then she gets him to drive her to her next appointment. If she isn’t going home, maybe she could drive her own car when she’s meeting my son for a date or take an Uber? How is she supposed to get home from wherever he drops her off? My son even said he waited a few minutes for her when she said she wasn’t going to be long and just needed something she left at her friend’s house. Why should he wait around? He’s not her official boyfriend yet. They aren’t in a relationship yet—or at least that’s how I understand it from how my son speaks. He sees the whole thing as doing someone a favor, but these favors happen quite often.
I’m not saying she’s using my son for a free meal, but what about driving her around town, waiting for her... It wasn’t until I was engaged that I asked my husband to drive me someplace or make stops for me to pick something up. I spoke with my married daughter. She said it’s a little weird but doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Malka might just be a little “freer” than she and other girls are and doesn’t mind asking for things that other girls may not do until the relationship is established.
It’s not that I think she’s using my son, but it just doesn’t sound right—at least not at this point. What do you think?
Mom
Thank you for your letter, Mom.
I think you’re right about a lot, as is your daughter. Dating has changed from when you and your husband dated, and even from when my parents dated. What’s acceptable now would never have been acceptable back then, as I’ve mentioned before. But that doesn’t necessarily make Malka’s actions wrong.
Yes, I wrote about a woman who purposefully ordered more than she would be able to eat just so she could take home the leftovers for the next evening’s dinner. I chastised her for that. But you’ve asked your son about the order, and you yourself wrote that you didn’t think she was doing that. I’ll have to agree with you that you raised a good son with midos and a desire not to let food go to waste. He asked Malka if she wanted the leftovers—which I am guessing were more than a few crumbs—and she agreed. End of story. Your son didn’t have to ask her, and he could have said he’d take the leftovers himself since he paid for the dinner (I’m assuming he paid). That would make sense, too.
Regarding dropping her off at different locations besides her home: It doesn’t matter what time of day it is or if she has plans after the date ends. She can be dropped off wherever she wants, or she can take an Uber, or she can drive herself. But what if her friend’s house, or wherever she’s going, isn’t out of the way? If it’s not an hour in the opposite direction, she’s free to ask your son to drive her, and your son is free to say that he too must be somewhere after the date (ma’ariv, perhaps?) and cannot drive her if it’s out of the way. But again, you raised a son with good midos... Yes, the girl could have driven to the date. Just by you writing that, I will assume you know she has a car or access to one. But who cares? She took a chance, asked your son to drive her somewhere, and he happened to say yes every time and even waited for her once. That alone tells me that maybe your son wants to be in a serious relationship with this young woman—or, like you said, he simply has good midos.
In an article published a few weeks ago, I wrote that youngsters today like to cram everything they can into as little time as possible—a sort of carpe diem approach of having your cake and eating it too. They want to date, but they also want to do other things, and there are only so many free hours in the day, so they combine tasks. This way, they don’t miss out on anything or have to decide what is more important. I’m not saying that’s entirely correct, but it’s what some younger people are doing today. Maybe Malka wants to get it all done in one night. Who knows?
Your daughter is right as well. While you, your daughter, and I may not have asked the man we were dating but not yet in a relationship with to do favors for us, obviously Malka is not like us. She’s a bit more open and has no qualms about asking. She took a chance your son would say no; to her luck, he hasn’t. Hopefully, that means she knows she can rely on him as one can in a relationship, and not just for a free ride.
Mom, sit back and don’t do anything. Besides raising a son with good midos, I’m sure he has a good brain, too. He’d know if he was being used, and he wouldn’t stick around if he didn’t like her or felt taken advantage of. Malka just seems a little different than we are. Nothing’s wrong with that.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
