Dear Goldy,
My son is 28 and began dating an older woman. She’s 33 and divorced. I don’t think my son needs to be dating older divorced women yet. He’s young enough to see what single girls his age are around. If he were in his mid-thirties, then I don’t think I’d mind so much. But to do it in his twenties seems too soon or rushed.
I suggested that he date other women; he told me he didn’t want to. He knew what I was trying to say, and he told me to stop it before I started it. Is it wrong that I want him to date someone who has a fresh outlook on the world and isn’t jaded like this woman may be? He said I shouldn’t have a say in who he dates, and he was sorry that he even mentioned it to me.
I want the best for him, and not that this girl isn’t, but “older” and “divorced” are not adjectives I thought my son would use when telling me about the girl he’s dating.
Worried Imma
Thank you for your letter, Imma.
There are two ways to respond to your email: a short one or a long one. You’re lucky—I’ll give you both.
The short answer: It’s none of your business. Your son is happy, and that should mean something. He told you not to start. Don’t start.
Now let’s get into the long answer. Your son is an adult. He has decided to date this woman. She’s not an octogenarian. It’s a five-year age difference. It’s not like she’s a cougar with her eyes set on your son as fresh meat. She is a 33-year-old woman who was not mazaldik in her first marriage—so does that mean she shouldn’t date anyone younger than her who was never married, or just not your son? You shouldn’t punish this young woman for something that may not be her fault. Who knows why she’s divorced? The fact is, she is. So what?
You wrote that your son doesn’t need to date older divorced women. Why not? I’m sure your son has dated women in his “age range,” and he hasn’t found anyone he wanted to be in a relationship with yet. He finally found someone he connects with. Age isn’t the only criterion a relationship is based on. Are you blaming her for her age and divorce? The woman can’t help that she’s 33. She was born when she was born. And she may not be the cause, reason, or at fault for the divorce. The cause of the divorce could be a million reasons.
She has a second chance at happiness (with your son), and you want to take it away from her because her adjectives aren’t your adjectives for a daughter-in-law? Is she mean, ugly, unkind? Does she kill cute animals? No. I’m sure she’s pretty, has a kind heart, does chesed, goes out of her way for people, has a good sense of fashion… Choose those adjectives over the ones you listed in your letter. It’s all a matter of how you look at it—or want to look at it.
When it comes to age and birthdays, I don’t think, “Oh no! Another year older….” I think about how many people don’t live to see the age of 33, or whatever age it may be. B”h, this woman has made it to 33. Age is only a “thing” to whoever is thinking about it. I’m sure your son may have had to think about this shidduch for a second before agreeing to it—she’s older and divorced? But he made his decision, and so far he has not regretted it. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), she is divorced and looking for a second chance at happiness. Would you want someone to judge you the way you are judging this woman?
Do you trust your son—his judgment, his decision-making skills? Do you feel you raised him to be smart and to use his sechel? I’m sure the answer is yes to all those questions. So why don’t you trust him now? Do you think the “older” woman has cast a spell over him? Why can’t it be that he found someone he likes, whose feelings are mutual, and they are exploring where the relationship may lead?
In today’s world, being “divorced” and “dating someone older” doesn’t have the same stigma it did decades ago. There is a certain scenario people conjure up in their minds when someone mentions dating a divorced older woman. Get that picture out of your head. How many things that were the norm back then have changed in the last few years?
Let’s not forget, as I have written before, I’m a little older than my husband. A few years ago, I found out that one of my parents’ friends was previously married in her early twenties for one year. The husband I grew up knowing wasn’t her first husband. My grandmother was seven years older than my grandfather, and they were married for over sixty years. The last example I’ll provide is this: I dated someone who, at the age of thirty, married a divorced woman and mother of four. I’m sure his parents may have been thinking what you’re thinking—or worse, because now children (and their father) were thrown into the mix. I’m sure there are a million other couples with similar stories. Don’t let age and divorce fog up your vision from seeing the whole picture. And the whole picture is this: your son likes her, and she likes your son.
You told your son how you felt—or at least alluded to it—and he picked up on what you were saying and told you, point blank, to stop it. So stop it. And I don’t know what you mean by wanting him to date someone with the “same fresh outlook on the world” that he has. Why do you think this woman wouldn’t have a fresh outlook? Is it because she is divorced? Do you think it was a bitter divorce that turned her bitter or gave her a “jaded” outlook? It’s wrong of you to assume that. It’s wrong of you to assume anything about someone you don’t know.
I can relate to thinking you know what type of person someone is because you learn some facts about them. We are all guilty of that. But you only know the fact itself. She is divorced. Not what led to it, not whether it shaped the way she views life—nothing else, really.
You’re sitting at home creating a past, present, and future for this woman. Just let it be. Let things flow. I don’t have to tell you how many people are divorced and remarried or have had broken engagements and then become engaged and married again. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be judged for one thing you did when you were younger for the rest of your life. So why do it to her?
You didn’t include it in your letter, but a little voice in my head is saying, “She’s worried about what other people will think.” I hope I’m wrong. But other people will only know if they are told. I was shocked—like a bug to a lightbulb—when I found out that someone I know is her husband’s “second wife.” When I found out, I said, “He doesn’t look divorced, and you don’t look like a second wife.” I was joking, but my friend knew what I meant. It was none of my business. She didn’t have to tell me, and there was no scarlet letter hanging above her husband’s head or a number two dangling over hers.
Do you care more about what others think and say behind your back than you care about your son being happy? That’s the only thing you need to think about.
I wish your son and the woman he is dating the best. If things work out, great. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be. But don’t let the cause of the breakup be that you pestered him and got inside his head about this. Stay out of it. If you continue like this and things work out for the couple, your reputation may precede her meeting you, and she’ll form an opinion about you before you even exchange greetings. How’s that for having the shoe on the other foot?
She’s forming an opinion about you based on what your son has said—or on him not dating her. I’m not trying to be mean, just trying to get you to understand what your son said to you when you tried speaking with him: Stay out of it. You want your son to communicate with you and feel free to discuss anything. He himself told you he was sorry he even told you about this because of how you reacted. You don’t want him thinking and vetting everything he tells you. That will put a strain on your relationship, and no one wants that.
Before I end, a word of advice: I wouldn’t tell your son you wrote in about him. He may not take it the right way, even if you say, “But she said I should butt out and go with the flow, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m staying out of it.” Let mum be the word, Mom.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
