Dear Goldy:
You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, but I read your column and figured this was the perfect place to say what I have to say. And this is directed to all my “friends and acquaintances” and those who “mean well” when talking to my parents.
I ended my engagement over a year ago. It was my choice. I owe an explanation to no one. My chasan and I had a lengthy discussion. We went our separate ways – three weeks before the wedding.
“But how? Why?” and “You couldn’t go through with the wedding and try to make it work?” and “This may just be cold feet, which we all have, etc.” I heard it all. Maybe if I had called it off a month into the engagement people wouldn’t have been so shocked, but I did it when I knew I could not go through with it. There would be more regret if I kept my mouth shut, had the wedding of my dreams, and tried to make it right. Because I knew it couldn’t be made right. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I have no regrets. But now, that it would have been my one year anniversary, people who aren’t close to me or my family feel an obligation to remind us, “It would have been her/your first anniversary and she/you still aren’t married or dating anyone.” Thank you; we know exactly what the date is and what it would have been or not been, had I gone along with things as is. Who knows if we would have made it to the first anniversary.
Like I said, I owe no one an explanation. If you know me or my family and always wondered “why?” – here is your answer. Stop asking or hinting for a reason. For those that don’t know me, maybe you can read my story, and it can help someone else.
I was 25 and in love with being in love. I was and am a romantic. I met the chasan through a friend, at a birthday party. We hit things off right away. I’ll refer to him as Mikey.
We went out once, twice, three times. I was having a good time and liked being with Mikey. Occasionally he would surprise me by ordering lunch and having it delivered to my office or sending flowers on Erev Shabbos. He was sweet and I loved “sweet.” We dated for a while; I didn’t want to rush into anything. Mikey kept saying it was just a matter of time when I would beg him to “Ask the question already!” But I held firm. I kept telling myself that I had to be crazy to make him wait and that Mikey was my Prince Charming and that this was love. But I also kept telling myself, if this is real, it will last a few more weeks or months until I would get that feeling that I was ready for “the question.”
During the months of dating, Mikey and I did argue/fight. Never over anything serious. One time stands out, the outcome of the “disagreement” – politics – was a topic we could not speak about because our views were very different. So different, that Mikey ended a date early, telling me to call him when I came to my senses. I thought he was joking and waited for his apology. Two days passed before the call came and it was a call from me to him! He was all smiles, and he laughed that he thought it would take a week for me to come to my senses. He apologized for nothing. We moved on, agreeing that politics was off the table, but if he reacted like this to something that really meant nothing to me or us as a couple, what else would he react to and how would he react?
I should mention that Mikey is a businessman and in a high-pressured job and position. He knows how to charm people and to be vicious in business if he has to – or so I was told by a friend of his. I never saw the vicious side of Mikey but wondered if he was doing all the “right” things with me, like he would in order to close a deal. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was there that I couldn’t figure out. I spoke to my therapist about it and to my mother, friend, and sister. Other than what his friend had said – which Mikey said was his friend just making him sound like a bigger deal than he was and the silent two days – nothing else had happened.
Months passed and everything seemed perfect. He popped the question in a very sweet, romantic way. I said yes. I was very sure at this point. We had a huge vort to go along with my huge ring and the tornado of planning a wedding and living my regular day-to-day life began. A hall was picked, a flower vendor, and a menu chosen. Things were coming together as I always wanted and imagined. But here was a time when I called Mikey, upset that the makeup artist I wanted to do my makeup for the wedding couldn’t because she was booked. Of course, I complained because, “I follow her on Instagram. She’s perfect. She did three of my friends. I love her.” Mikey listened and then told me to call my mother or sister if I wanted sympathy because he couldn’t see how not getting the make-up artist that I wanted could be that upsetting. “I just don’t understand.” I called him “such a guy.” but then, called my sister.
I called Mikey the day I went wedding shopping with my mother, telling him how things went, that I didn’t find the right gown. He asked why I didn’t invite his mother to go along. It never occurred to me to invite his mother or anyone from his side to go shopping for my wedding dress. “Are you taking my father suit shopping?” That response didn’t go over well. But how was I supposed to know his mother wanted to come or he expected me to invite his mother when he never said anything to me about it? It ended up becoming a whole “thing.” I invited his mother out to lunch to apologize for my oversight and invited her the next time I went wedding gown shopping. But this was something I wanted to do with my mom and sister. Even though I liked his mom, I wanted the intimacy and freedom that comes with my mom and sister being the only ones there.
Little things like that happened through the engagement; I’d neglect to tell him something, that I really didn’t think I needed his input on, and he’d get upset that I became a Bridezilla. But when I found out that he purchased living room and bedroom furniture for our apartment without even consulting me, it was I who had the problem. “Why can’t I surprise you? You have enough going on. I made things easier. You’re welcome.” It was not easier. He didn’t pick out dish towels without me, it was furniture for our apartment. To me, that’s a biggie. No matter what I said or how I said it, he never once apologized for not including me in that decision. He said I should appreciate how he wanted to make things easier for me, not to feel everything was on my shoulders. After that, there was a family bar mitzvah of his nephew that I attended, and one of his aunts complained to Mikey’s mom, who complained to Mikey who complained to me that I didn’t want to let her in on anything about the wedding because it was all secret. This was too much, and it was broken telephone. I was telling the family almost everything, but I wanted to leave some surprises. I didn’t want everyone to know what to expect. But his aunt saw this as disrespectful and said I was acting like a spoiled child, not revealing what will happen at my birthday party.
Why was I always apologizing or explaining myself to him or a family member of his and Mikey not just saying, “I’m sure she knows what she’s doing,” or “It’ll be a great surprise for everyone,” or even, “I’m sorry you feel that way, that wasn’t Tami’s (my fake name) intention.” I had the feeling that I was going to be apologizing over the next 50 years and the one needing to explain herself. Mikey was in charge at work. He didn’t have to explain his actions. Everyone reported to him. I felt that if he loved me, he would see my side of things, at least sometimes. But he never once apologized. Yes, I’d get flowers or be taken to dinner, but I never heard him say, “I am sorry.” He got around it and I was letting him. The straw that broke my back was three weeks before the wedding when he insisted that I make changes to “little things,” for the wedding and in our apartment. Alarms were going off in my head. The closer the date to the wedding came, the more of a boss I saw Mikey as, and not the man I fell in love with. Again, why was I making all the changes or “acting childish” if I made a decision that I didn’t want to change once he gave his input? We spoke for over two hours, going around in circles. Yes, he was going to be the husband, but I’m not his subordinate. I am a grown person and can make some decisions without consulting him and without apologizing for them. He kept saying I was the one making a big deal about everything; but if I was, then why was he insisting on me changing what I decided on?
At the end of the conversation, I knew what I had to do. I knew it was three weeks before the wedding, but if he wasn’t willing or able to see how his decisions were making me feel now, when I was spelling them out for him, then how would it be once we were married? Would he even listen to me or shush me and send me out of the room like an intern? My parents knew all of my reservations and said that they would stand behind me in whatever I decided. And I made the best decision of my life.
My life is mine, even if I become part of a couple. As part of a couple, compromise and apologies are part of the package, not always being the one to give in. Being told I’m ungrateful for a huge decision made without my input instead of understanding why I’d be upset is not acceptable. He gets to be the boss in the office. But at home, roses and kisses are not all a wife wants. She wants a husband who will include her in important decisions, defend her to family and friends, and not made to feel like she is always the one making the mistake. I returned the ring.
Calls, emails, and texts went out that evening. I did not marry Mikey because I felt that I would fail to exist and have an opinion if I did. My bashert is out there. We haven’t met yet, but I’m getting closer with every date. I am not sorry for what I did.
And that’s that.
Tami
*****
Thank you for your email, Tami.
Like you said, you owe no one an explanation, but provided this because you felt that Nosey Nellys wouldn’t stop sniffing around unless they knew the truth – which they are not entitled to, especially if they aren’t close to you. If those Nellys can figure out who you are from my column, great; if not, they are still going to be left in the dark.
I remember my mother answering the phone, one Motza’ei Shabbos, when I was eight or nine. The conversation lasted less than 30 seconds. The wedding that my parents were planning on attending the next day was called off. No explanation or anything, just, “The wedding is called off. Thank you for your understanding.” My parents never knew why but never asked or really cared. The decision was made. I’m sorry you felt the need to send this in.
All that matters is that you are happy, and when the right one comes along, you’ll know it.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
