Dear Goldy:
I’m writing on behalf of my son. He would be so embarrassed to know I’m emailing you about him. But I have a question. Let me give you some backstory:
My son met and became a chasan to a lovely, bubbly, outgoing, vivacious, beautiful young woman. We all really like her. But we all see the same thing (except for my son, the chasan).
My future daughter-in-law, “Yael,” is full of pep and zest and all that other good stuff. She was color war captain in camp, one of the student heads of her high school production, and part of the G.O. You know the type. Even now, she is excelling in her graduate program and very well liked at her job. But if you take the male equivalent of that, you have my son. My son was editor of both elementary and high school yearbooks, played on his high school basketball team, along with helping to start a tutoring program in his class. He was honor roll and Dean’s List, and yes, he is loved at his job. They both seem like Type A personalities. Whenever involved in a conversation with multiple people, both end up being the center of attention. When at a simchah, my son dances and is involved with the action, while dancing in front of the chasan and kallah. I’ve been with Yael at family simchahs and she, too, seems to be a wonderful dancer and is very leibedik. Seems like a perfect match.
The issue that I’ve notice, is that when we are all together as a family, whether it’s in the kitchen or around the Shabbos table, Yael seems to overshadow or outshine my son. She doesn’t shush him, but she does try to beat him to the punchline, or tell him he isn’t telling a story correctly, or tells him he’s underexaggerating a story. Yael isn’t bossy, but I don’t like what I’m seeing or hearing. My son is a shining star. It’s as if Yael wants to take some of his light. I thought I was imagining it until my husband mentioned it a few weeks ago. He’s noticed that she “takes over a discussion.” Do you think she is threatened by my son’s personality and being the center of attention?
Jennifer
*****
Thank you for your email, Jennifer.
Firstly, mazal tov on your son’s engagement.
Secondly, I think there is room for two “Type A” personalities, as you labeled it, in a marriage, as long as both parties want the other to shine. If Yael wanted to be the center, she would interrupt your son while talking and let him be an understudy to her star. A marriage can’t work like that unless both are in agreement: One takes the lead and the other stays in the background. Some couples are very happy living like that, where others are not, and that is when they say two Type A personalities can’t be married. I believe that anything is possible if you want it bad enough and do enough to make it happen.
I asked my good friend Google to explain what a Type A personality is and what traits the person would have, if he or she was indeed a Type A. There was a long list, but someone with Type A personality is very driven (in career, education, and life), hardworking, focused, assertive, ambitious, and a natural leader. Sounds all good, right? Well, the downside may be that other traits of someone with Type A personality are competitiveness, anger, rigid thinking, being prone to stress, and more risk of burnout, as well as having anxiety, difficulty balancing work and home life, etc. From what I have read, your son and Yael do seem like go-getters. They don’t like to sit on the sidelines; they want to be “put in the game.” But I didn’t read, or maybe you chose not to write of instances where Yael tried to impose her ways, “because my ways are right,” on your son. Does Yael overreact or become competitive when the situation doesn’t call for it? Maybe what we have here are two people who love being active and involved in what’s happening around them.
Remember when you were first married? There is shanah rishonah where most of the kinks and newness comes to a head and both husband and wife need to learn how to navigate with this new person in their life. Did you not correct your husband, or maybe you still do, when telling over a story of events? “No, no, you got it wrong. It didn’t happen like that.” Beating your son to the punchline of jokes can be annoying, but it can also prove that she is excited to tell the punchline, not necessarily that she wants all eyes on her.
Yes, there can’t be two leaders in a couple. But there could be areas where each person shines. Yael may be able to plan a trip (airfare, hotels, etc.) and to organize a party, whereas your son may be the one who shines at public speaking and giving instructions or directions. We all have our specialties.
I may be wrong, but I know that you probably think that your son set in the moon in the sky, and of course is the all-around perfect catch. Your son may have met himself in the form of a female and you aren’t used to not seeing your son be the only one to rise to the top or to be the best at what he does. I’m not saying that you are imagining things either. But I can only go off of what you wrote, and what you wrote wasn’t that bad.
I am the first one to speak up if someone is snuffing out someone’s spark. Everyone deserves to shine. And if one person in a relationship is jealous and tries taking away that which makes the other special and sparkly, then that is wrong, and is a big warning sign.
Have you spoken with your other children (if you have any) about your feelings? Just because your husband may agree with you (and don’t forget that couples that have been together a while tend to think alike) doesn’t mean it’s true or that others see it. If you want to speak with your son about your thoughts, you can. He may think you are being an overprotective mother, or he may think about your words and weigh them seriously. Sometimes couples go to therapy before they get married – to try to work out or find out differences before the marriage, and they feel like those differences or disagreements are unfixable. Am I saying your son and Yael should go to couples therapy? No. But I am saying you should bring the subject up with your son, in a non-overbearing mommy type of way, and see where it goes. Let your son do what he chooses to do or not do. But I wouldn’t make this into an issue. Some may say you’re looking for trouble where there is none and you don’t want to start an argument.
You sound like a wonderful mother who wants her child(ren) to shine. And nothing is wrong with that.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
