All I can say is, “Wow.” I didn’t expect all the emails I received from the article published a few weeks ago. I wrote about how everyone should have a “safe place” or “support item,” when life and dating get to be too much for someone. What do they do to overcome the feeling until it passes? It seemed to hit a spot with many of you. As soon as Motza’ei Shabbos, my Inbox had over a dozen new messages from readers. This tells me that I was right: Everyone gets nervous and needs something to center and relax them until they feel in control of the situation.
A couple of readers asked if I really do carry around Peppa Pig. If anyone sees me on Main Street in a gray zip-up hoodie, ask me to show you what’s in my pocket. Unless it’s right after the hoodie has come out of the laundry and I have forgotten, chances are you will find Peppa, Rebecca Rabbit, maybe Suzy Sheep. But what about for the times when I can’t wear my hoodie or my outfit doesn’t have pockets? What do I do when my nerves get the best of me? In those situations, I have a song in my head, and I just let it “play” over and over. B’kitzur, my mother a”h loved comedian Jerry Lewis. She used to tune in to his telethon every Labor Day, and no one was allowed to speak in the house when Jerry was speaking. Jerry ended every telethon with the same song: “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” originally sung by Gerry & the Pacemakers in 1963.
Some of the lyrics: “When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don’t be afraid of the dark... Walk on through the wind. Walk on through the rain, for your dreams be tossed and blown... Walk on with hope in your heart, and you’ll never walk alone.”
That song always reminds me of my mother, and “Mama Krantz” was my biggest fan, supporter, advocate... I feel closer to my mother when I hear that song. It calms me down when I get the jitters. Side note: If anyone saw my IG post on my mother’s yahrzeit a couple of weeks ago, I was (surprisingly) able to attach that song to the post.)
Anyway, I was touched that many of you decided to share what your safe place, emotional support item is with me. On Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, the emails kept coming. So, I decided to interrupt my usual flow of ready to publish articles and to post some of your emails. It meant so much for all of you to share with me what you hold sacred and use/hold onto when adulting seems to be getting to be too much, and you want to go back to a simpler time in your life. Some of the emails had nothing to do with dating. As I’ve always said, I don’t take this column, fans, or emails for granted. I thank you all for your comments, including the (constructive) criticism. I consider my readers and the people who send the letters to me to be my friends (because we share a lot with each other), and I think that’s what made so many send their emails to me. Friends tell friends what bothers them and what made them feel better:
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“I am stressed beyond belief between work, family, and the PhD program I’m in. Since I’m in my late 20s, it seems inappropriate to carry my favorite blanket around like I did as a child. Months ago, I went to my parents’ house, to my old room, and cut off a piece from the corner, zipped it in a Ziploc bag, and put it in my backpack. I carry my backpack everywhere, and so a little piece of my blanket comes with me wherever I go. Sometimes I take it out because I want to feel and smell it, and sometimes just holding or touching the bag makes me feel better. There’s just something about that blanket and the memories I have with it that helps me feel like I can conquer the world...”
“A few years back I was on a date that wasn’t going well. We were grasping at straws for what to discuss. It was very awkward. I took a chance and brought up a cartoon that I watched when I was younger, Thundercats. I just blurted out, “Why didn’t Mumra attack Lionel when he was called for the Thundercats? Lionel had to go off to the side, where there was a clearing so the Thundercat symbol could reach high in the sky for the rest to see. He repeated, the word Thunder, he stood still when he raised the Sword of Omens. There is a perfect five-second window to attack and kill Lionel.” We were discussing or trying to discuss growing up in the
’80s, so the girl didn’t think I was crazy because she joined right in. We spoke about 1980s cartoons, something we both knew all about. Believe it or not, it was a safe topic. After that, there were no more awkward silences. We jumped from show to show, ’80s to ’80s fad. It felt so natural after that. Now whenever there is a lull in conversation, I start talking about my good friends Heman, Lionel, and Optimus Prime. The girl usually brings up Jem, but some cool girls watched boy cartoons, too.”
“I just feel the bracelet that my parents gave me for my bas mitzvah, and I feel better. Don’t know why or how, and I don’t care. It calms me down on dates and in life. It reminds me of my family and how much they love me.”
“Call me crazy, but when I started to date after my husband passed away, I would always make sure to wear a piece of jewelry that meant something to both of us: a locket he gave me for our 5th anniversary, the bracelet he gave me for my 45th birthday. Throughout each date, I would touch that piece of jewelry. It was my way of feeling safe, that I wasn’t out with a complete stranger and trying to build a new life with him. I felt like I had my husband along, and together we would make the choice if the man I was with was good enough for me and our family. It sounds ridiculous, but it made me feel less afraid. Baruch Hashem, I married again, and when I told my new husband, he didn’t think it was nuts (to bring my first husband along on our dates); like you, he told me I should do whatever makes me comfortable - and that made me feel comfortable.”
“I still have a ceramic heart that I painted when I was ten. I look at it on the shelf and I can focus better with it. It wasn’t given to me by my mother, sister, niece, friend. It’s just a multicolored heart I painted at my cousin’s birthday party. I don’t hold it and talk to it. I just like knowing that it’s there. It’s hard and weird to explain because it’s not what anyone would call an item that I am emotionally attached to. It’s a $6 heart, with colors and glitter sprinkled on it. I imagine that when I get married and go into labor, when I’m told to think of an item and focus, I could see my would-be-husband pulling the heart out of my overnight bag.”
“My home screen picture on my iPhone is of me and my best friend on a trip to the Bahamas that we took a few years ago. I look at it and I’m instantly taken back to that trip: the sun, beach, craziness of it all. Whenever I’m bored at work or feeling anxious anytime, not only when I’m on a date, I’ll look at my phone and smile. That picture brings a smile to my face every time. It’s almost like my home base.”
“Call me a nerd, but I recite the Periodic Table in my head when I need a second or two to gather myself. No, I’m not a scientist, nor do I do anything that relates to science; but for some reason, going through all of the elements helps me.”
*****
There were many more messages I could share, but I’m pressed for space in this column. I want to thank everyone for sending their emails and to let all of the readers out there who may think it’s silly, or wish that they had something to ground and calm them on a date or in life in general, everyone does it. It doesn’t matter what the object is, as long as it helps you.”
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
