Dear Goldy:
My chasan and I are writing this together. We are unofficially engaged and want to become official, but there is one thing that is bothering him, and he thinks it will affect me and what people will say about me and to me.
My chasan (Avi) was in a serious relationship a few years ago. He was going to propose to the girl, but she broke up with him before he got the chance. Avi had already bought the engagement ring.
Avi picked out a gorgeous ring (his mother went along with him). He never ended up proposing or returning it to the store. Avi said that because he never gave the ring to the other girl, it was never hers. And this was a ring that Avi loved. He says that he loves the shape of the diamond and the setting. And he wants to give it to whomever he would marry. He jokes that he bought the ring too early.
Avi showed me the ring. It’s beautiful. Would I have picked it out? Very possibly. I don’t have any problem with wearing that ring. Avi’s sisters don’t agree. They said that because it was intended for someone else, even if never given, the ring was not “made for me.” They also say that because the girl broke up with Avi before the proposal, it may be bad luck. My mother isn’t as enthusiastic about the ring as I am for similar reasons as Avi’s sisters, but she said the decision was mine. I’m realistic. Avi said he would be willing to get a new ring if I wanted one. But once I saw it... Plus, I know I’m the type to go back and forth for hours between rings. And since I love this, I don’t mind keeping it. Why should thousands of dollars be spent when there is a gorgeous ring here? Why should Avi spend more money on a ring – and what will he do with this one, sell it? We could be saving up for something else instead of buying another ring. I agree with Avi: He bought the ring too early and the girl did him a favor by breaking up with him.
It’s just that his sisters, plus my mother and a few others, know about the ring and I don’t want to be the topic of conversation. I don’t want people to think that I’m stupid or pathetic for accepting a ring that wasn’t intended for me at all at the time of purchase. The ring will be mine, not “a ring he bought with someone else in mind.”
What do you think?
Sarah and Avi
*****
Thank you for your email, Sarah and Avi – my first couple email!
Unofficially or officially, mazal tov on your engagement. May you have many wonderful, happy, and healthy years together and build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.
At first thought, I’d say that I may agree with the sisters, even though I think their reasoning is silly. Bad luck? I say it was great luck that the other girl broke up with him and that both you and Avi found each other. But people are very superstitious when it comes to very serious things. It’s just the way some people are – not speaking about a relationship until it’s official, not planning for a baby, months in advance, like the goyim and having a baby shower. These are just some superstitions. I can understand that Avi’s sisters want a fresh start, and a new ring would represent that, but like you said, it was never given to her. Does it matter that it was bought for someone else in mind? I don’t think so, as long as you don’t mind. But you seem to like Avi’s reasoning, that he bought the ring too early.
Avi gave you the choice. You said that you love the ring and would probably have chosen it, or something similar. And thinking that you would be one to flip-flop between engagement rings isn’t a reason to take this one. Wear it because you love it. I can see a 19- or 20-year-old girl wanting a ring all her own, but you sound a little older than the girls straight off the seminary plane (you mentioned Avi was dating this girl years ago, not months ago). You seem to have a head on your shoulders, because rings cost thousands of dollars. What will he do with the other ring? Can he sell it? Avi liked it enough to spend the money he probably saved up (or maybe his parents chipped in or whatever the story is) and said to himself, “This is the ring I want my kallah to wear,” when he saw the ring. That’s why he kept it all this time. Save the thousands of dollars and put it towards a house, or something else that is insanely expensive in today’s world.
Sarah, also keep in mind that it’s just a piece of jewelry. Yes, it’s a very important piece of jewelry and it stands for something, but it’s still a ring. I didn’t wear my engagement or wedding ring for almost a year during and right after my pregnancies because my fingers swelled. Was I less married because I didn’t have the ring? No, I think I felt more married because of the pregnancy. I was told by a family member that her “real ring” is in “the vault.” She hardly ever takes it out and what she wears on her hand every day is a CZ. She even went so far as to admit that she likes the design and size of the CZ ring better than her real engagement ring. So why does she wear a ring at all? I asked her. She doesn’t want her real ring to get stolen off of her finger or lost in a batter of cake. Okay. Not what I would have thought, said, or done, but it works for her. Sarah, do what works for you. You and Avi are the only ones’ opinion that counts here.
Of course you want everyone to whom you show the ring to love it like you do. No one has to know the story behind the ring other than those who already know it. The ring won’t have a tag with it, so all can read about when the ring was actually bought. If you choose the ring, it is your ring. It is the ring that you have chosen for yourself.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
