Dear Goldy:
I am dating a “fellow” whom I have wanted to date for a year. He was always busy, but now we’re both available. In short, he checks all my boxes, and his family is wonderful. They are known throughout the community as giving and welcoming. Sounds great, right? The times that we have gone out have been good, but sometimes aren’t as good as other times.
Our first few dates were great. It was later on that I had questions. He picked me up one night and explained that he had a bad day at work. Maybe because we didn’t (maybe still don’t) know each other well, he didn’t go into detail about what made the day so bad. But I could tell it was a really bad day. He wasn’t as enthusiastic as he had been on the other dates. He was more reserved and distracted and I know he was going over what happened at work in his head. Toward the end of the date, it was almost like he checked out. He apologized when he dropped me off. We all have bad days, so I let it go.
For the next date, he was still upset and now he was acting ornery. I guess that’s the right word. He was grumpy. He explained that the issue at work was ongoing. This time he went into some detail. Okay, yeah, it’s not a great situation, but he isn’t going to get fired over it.
My issue is: Aren’t you supposed to put your best foot forward on dates? You want the other person to see your best qualities. Ultimately, I’m deciding if I want to marry this person and see him every day for the rest of my life and have a family with him. I understand having a bad day and being in a bad mood, but sometimes you must drop your baggage at the door and focus on what’s in front of you. I was in front of him. We were on a date. The next few dates that we had were good, but not as “wow” as our first few. Is this how he will act if we get married and something bothers him? Will he be in a bad mood for days on end? I have bad days, too, but I don’t bring them to dinner with my friends. I’ll vent for ten minutes and then I’ll be over it. If the situation was reversed, I wouldn’t bring anything heavy and not related to dating into the date. I offered him my ear to vent to, and he did a little bit. I tried my best, but there’s a lot that is foreign to me because of the ins and outs of what he does.
Back to my issue. Is this how he handles issues and problems? It seems to be dragging on and I’m not that type of person. The last few dates were okay, but as I said, not like the beginning. Yes, differences are good, but is this a character trait of his? Being mopey? Is he a sensitive guy? I’m looking for an Alpha male and until this, he was. Now, he still is, but it’s different. He’s allowed to be upset, but he should compartmentalize it.
Am I wrong?
Getting Impatient
Thank you for your email, GI.
Wow. I’m just sitting here and putting different pieces of your email together in my head. I’ll let you into my thoughts: “She’s dating someone who she really likes. He is having issues at work and because he can’t get over them quickly, she’s worried he’ll be a whiner and a non-Alpha male. She’s there for him but until a point. This is the point. She wants the man she went out with before. She wants him to forget all he is when they are together and focus only on her.” Am I right or close? I’m working off the words that you wrote, so if there’s more to the story, I can’t take that into consideration. Going off the version of what you wrote, you seem insensitive and for your sake, I hope when you’re going through a rough time in any aspect of your life, your loved ones don’t have the same thoughts that you have; “She’s still kvetching about this? She’s still down? It’s time to move on, girl. I’m bored.” Honestly that’s what you sound like and what I think.
I don't know what “Moshe” is going through at work. You wrote, “It’s not a great situation.” That tells me you can understand why Moshe is upset. One doesn’t have to be in danger of being terminated from their position for them to be upset and think and worry about work after hours. An average person spends 40 plus hours at work a week. In todays’ world, it’s more like 50 or more hours at work. You spend more time with your co-workers than you do with your own family. Work is a huge part of people’s lives. At this moment, Moshe is having an issue or trying to work through something. You can’t fault him for thinking about it. Yes, when dating, you should concentrate on the person you are dating and what they’re saying and doing, but you want him to drop his life at the door when he picks you up? That may be an unrealistic wish. Some people can compartmentalize parts of their lives and not bring one part of their life into the other, but many can’t do that, especially when things aren’t going smoothly.
Moshe is going to work and is still going on dates with you. I’m guessing he is talking with friends, going to minyan daily (if that’s his things). This issue hasn’t paralyzed Moshe to the point of not going about his activities of daily life. Let the man be upset. Don’t you want a shoulder to lean on when you’ll need it in the future? I’m sure there will be things that you won’t be able to put behind you and move forward with right away. Let me tell you, having someone to vent to and to lean on can make all the difference with how you’re able to handle the situation.
Marriage isn’t like dating, and dating someone for “a while” will feel differently than it did in the beginning of the relationship. The two people fall into a rhythm; they get used to being around each other. Yes, there is still excitement and butterflies, but it’s different. You mentioned a couple of times that the dates aren’t as good now as they were in the beginning, before the work issue happened. Maybe Moshe has worked past the work issue, and this is how he is once you get to know him. It’s called first impressions for a reason. He had the chance and there was wow factor. Once his life seemed to have a hiccup in it and you weren’t what he was focused on, you started thinking he’s not an Alpha, he’s sensitive. And nothing is wrong with being sensitive or upset about something at work! You seemed to have jumped to a conclusion that may be very wrong. You wrote that the dates are still good. Isn’t that enough? You want the wow factor 24/7? That’s not going to happen. You get used to each other; life continues. It seems like you’re looking for an issue where there is none.
I also noticed that you brought the letter back to your “my issue” twice. Yes, you are the most important person to yourself, but when dealing with others, especially a potential spouse, wouldn’t you want to do all you can to help him through the rough times? Life is a roller coaster. There may be a lot more downs than ups (hopefully not the case, but we are being real here). Spouses need to be sympathetic and empathetic towards each other if they want the marriage to work. Focusing on one person in the couple and pushing aside the other one’s worries and problems will not win you any brownie points and may create feelings of resentment. You’re a grown up. People get sad. Deal with it. You wrote that his mood has changed. Hopefully, he is back to the happy Alpha male you desire. But even Alpha males have feelings, too. As long as Moshe isn’t stewing in his depression or his issue from work and thinking about it 24/7, this is a normal reaction to work issues.
If his change in behavior or attitude is drastic and continues to bother you, speak to him about it. You may be way off the mark. Relationships take work. Start working, if this guy checks all your boxes and you wait to date him and you are enjoying yourself. Keep in mind that wow isn’t forever, but great can last.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
