Dear Goldy:
My family isn’t rich or even well off. My siblings and I started working as teenagers and we’ve always bought what we wanted. Our parents took care of our needs, but if there was anything extra any of us wanted, we’d pay for it ourselves. After high school, I seriously started thinking about saving for my wedding.
It’s been years since I started my wedding fund. I’m working full time and I still deposit a little bit from every paycheck. But I have been to many weddings and seen what’s out there. Even the “simple” weddings have been beautiful simchahs. I discussed paying for my wedding with my parents a couple of years ago, and they said they have some money put away for when my siblings and I get married. Thankfully, I’m the chasan and I know that the majority of wedding costs are paid for by the kallah’s side – if people are still doing that.
I’m just worried that even with the money my parents have saved and what I have saved, it won’t be enough to seem fair to the kallah’s side. I know that there are tz’dakos that will help, but it’s embarrassing to think of that. I know what I can afford, and I don’t want to disappoint my future kallah and not be able to give her the wedding of her dreams.
No, I’m not dating anyone seriously now. But this issue has been bothering me for a while. I don’t want anyone to think I tricked her into marrying me when she finds out that my parents really can’t afford something nice. Yes, I’m working, but I’m still “low man on the totem pole.” In the future, I can be earning a nice six-figure salary, but that’s years away. Any advice?
Akiva
*****
Thank you for your letter, Akiva.
I like your letter for a couple of reasons, the first being that you are thinking ahead. I agree with you: Even the “simple” weddings look fancy. It was very smart of you to begin a wedding fund years ago. It doesn’t matter when you started it. You wanted to be prepared for the future. Kol ha’kavod to you. I also liked your letter because you aren’t pretending to be something you’re not, and you don’t want anyone to get the idea that you aren’t being truthful regarding what you can afford. You want to be straight with them.
But I also want to tell you that I disagree with you when you wrote that you don’t want anyone thinking you tricked anyone into marrying you. As long as you are always yourself and don’t pretend to be someone you’re not and don’t live beyond your means, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Money and finances are important topics when dating and planning a future, but do you have to lay it all on the table during the first or second date? No. The subject will come up and you and the woman will address it, but until you reach that stage, relax. I’m sorry to say that, in this day and age, the girls and parents who want to find out everything about whom their child is redt to, will. The’ll know your GPA in high school and who your friends were back then... And if they are the ones who turn down a date with you because of what you don’t have, it’s their loss. I’m serious. Those are the people who are looking to check all the boxes on their list and they don’t look at the person presented to them. History is chock full of individuals who have done great things without a mention of their parents’ bank statement. You may not have grown up with money and been able to buy every new gadget and toy you wanted, but I’m sure your parents provided their children with midos, empathy, sympathy, chesed, etc. Those are what truly count.
Money comes and goes. Sure, we all want it, and when we have it, we’d like to keep it, but sometimes life doesn’t play it through that way. Who are those with money when you take away the money? Are they kind, nice? Did they spend their money helping people, or did they just try to amass more wealth for themselves?
The fact that you had this conversation with your parents regarding paying for your wedding is also wonderful. And no matter how little parents have, they always find a little more for their children. You explained that you came from a family without monetary mean – but your parents still thought about their children and wanted to help them in any way they could, so they put a little away and didn’t spend it on themselves or the household. It’s a sign of loving parents who want to help their children.
I’m now going to write about something that may cause some eye-rolling from readers. But it’s all true: The wedding lasts for hours, the marriage lasts for decades. If you have a simple wedding, but invest money in future happiness, then it’s all worth it. I’m sure we all heard of a story of someone who got married during Covid and only invited their very close relatives and best friends. The wedding was held in someone’s house or backyard, and I was also told that some of those weddings were the nicest that people have ever been invited to. The necessities were there, including those who mean the most to the chasan and kallah. People weren’t invited just because you had to reciprocate an invitation or because you had to invite your boss and his mishpachah. The people who were there and what was there (no ice sculptures or ice luges or sushi bars) was what was important. Someone told me that she always wanted a backyard barbecue wedding and was always teased about it. But she got it! She married during Covid, and the wedding was in her parents’ backyard, and barbecue was served to the 25 guests who came. Decades ago, I was invited to a friend’s second marriage. It remains one of the nicest weddings I’ve ever been to. It was held in her new brother-in-law’s backyard. A tent was set up, about 100 people were in attendance. Semi-trucks were parked in the driveway, which served as restrooms and they were very nice, not like a porta-potty at all. Both my friend and her new chasan had money. But they made their wedding about what and who was important to them, and they weren’t forced to do it because of Covid or financial issues.
As you mentioned, there are various tz’dakah organizations that can help pay for parts of the wedding and even a sheitel or necessary household items. The frum community is there to help those among them who need the help. There are also halls that lower their costs towards the end of the month, for a few reasons, but one is to help those with worries like yours. The weddings end up being beautiful and no one even thinks, “Well, it’s the last day of the month, so they got this place for cheap.” And if the thought does cross someone’s mind, does it matter? Is that person important to you, if he or she brings up shallow reasons?
No matter how much the wedding costs or doesn’t cost, it will be leibedik because of the people and love involved in it. Your kallah may not have the “wedding of her dreams,” but I’m sure she’ll have a life that will exceed her expectations if her chasan is this worried about being truthful and upfront with her and trying to provide the best for her – before he even met her! Dreams are dreams. I may have wanted doves released at my wedding and fireworks set off at the end (I didn’t, but what if I did). Reality is reality. You can only afford what you can afford. Don’t think that your future kallah will go into this marriage, or wedding, with negative feelings or thoughts. If she truly is your bashert, then she will know what you and her family can afford and not want the fantasy that is really only that, a fantasy.
I don’t think your concern is silly, because I have been to many weddings where finances are an issue and things did look costly. But I think you can relax and know that everything will work out in the end. I’m sure your wedding will be beautiful with whatever you have or don’t have at it because of the people and the love that will be present. And what really counts is what comes after the wedding: the life you build with your wife and family. Keep in mind, you won’t always be “low man on the totem pole.” Hang in there.
Good luck to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
