I published this letter a few years ago. It broke my heart and I’m sure the hearts of readers, as well. I never forgot about this woman because of what had happened to her, the cruelty and premeditation of it. But I am elated to say that I received an email from her right after Purim this year with an update.

I’ll republish her original email, for those of you who may not remember or may not have read it. Her updated email will be underneath.

*****

Dear Goldy:

I am single. I can’t believe I’m saying that. I had been dating David* (fake name) for five years. It was like we were married. We were even at the point of attending simchos of the other one’s family. It’s just that we weren’t married or “officially engaged,” but he had promised...

David went to Florida for Pesach this year and invited me for Chol HaMoed. I agreed and looked forward to it. As soon as I landed there, something felt off. David’s sister picked me up at the airport, not David. We’ve been friends since David and I began dating, but the car ride felt awkward. We didn’t have a nice flowing conversation. She basically kept quiet and answered my questions with quick answers. I figured it was because she was tired from the first days with her family. David said he had reserved a room for me for Chol HaMoed. I now found out that I’d be bunking with David’s great aunt without having my own room or privacy.

I didn’t let this get to me. I was in Florida, the weather was gorgeous, and I would be with David most of the time anyway. But where was he now? Playing golf. That’s why he couldn’t pick me up at the airport? Strange. I found his family and began enjoying the afternoon with David’s family, people I had known and loved for years.

When David and I finally met up, we spent the rest of the day together. I asked him about the rooming situation. He blew it off saying there was a mix up with reservations and it was lucky that his aunt had a room with an extra bed. Reasonable explanation, right? I would be spending my days with David and only sleeping in the room for a few nights. Now looking back, I cringe that I didn’t see it coming.

The next day, after breakfast, we took a ride to a beautiful shopping center. And that’s where he broke up with me. He broke up with me in a shopping center on a trip he invited me on. Did he think I wouldn’t cry in public or be hurt and say how I was feeling? It was like a knife through the heart. I can’t tell you how devastated I was and still am. I’ll spare you the details, but he said the relationship had run its course, and he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and wanted to move on with his life. At first, I thought it was a joke, but I saw how serious he was and realized this was happening. I was numb and lightheaded at first. But soon, when my emotions woke up, I began crying and blubbering questions. I remember asking, “Please” and “Why?” a lot. All he kept saying was the relationship ran its course. I really don’t remember the ride back to the hotel. One minute we were in the car and the next we were pulling up to the valet. The final blow: David turned to me and said that his family already knew we were breaking up and if I wanted, I could stay in the hotel for the next couple of days, but to keep my distance from him and his family. Then he got out of the car. That was it. Bye!

I wanted to crumble. He let me fly down to Florida only to break up with me? And his family knew the whole time? I can’t even begin to tell you how I was feeling or even how I had the strength to walk to my room. The next hours were spent in the bathroom throwing up, crying, calling my parents, trying to arrange a flight back to New York right away. I was a mess. It was surreal. I texted and called David – no pickup or response. I needed my say. If he broke up with me, fine; but now that I had time to process everything, I had things to say to him. By the time I was able to start packing, David’s sister, my (former) friend, came to the room. She didn’t say anything. We hugged while I cried. She helped me pack. She said that her parents are devastated, and they love me so much. They couldn’t get David to see that he was making a mistake. She said other things, but it was a blur. She said her parents had arranged a flight for me and it would be leaving in a few hours, and she would drive me to the airport.

I realize now that everything was a lie. David planned this all out. He told his family, so when I was spending time with them the day before, they knew the countdown was on. I asked one question, “Did David purposefully not reserve a room for me?” His sister said that he did reserve one for me, because at the time he wasn’t planning on breaking up, but canceled it when he decided, and then asked their aunt if she’d mind a roommate for one night. “One night?” So, David saying that I could stay at the hotel was a lie. His parents had bought me a ticket!

I finished packing, ordered an Uber, and left as fast as I was able to. I needed to separate myself from this. I was so hurt and embarrassed. I was sick. I spent the flight asking myself questions and silently crying. My mother met me at the airport, we hugged and cried. I was a wreck for the rest of Pesach. Phone calls and text messages weren’t being returned. To end a relationship of five years with not so much as a warning, but with an ambush, was too much for me to take. I am going to have trust issues from now on. I just know it.

Weeks have passed and I’m just now able to get on with my life. But I want to ask you, what can make a person do this? He couldn’t wait until after Pesach? He couldn’t do it before Pesach? Did his family pity me while I was sitting there with them, clueless about what was going to happen? How could one person (one I loved and thought I knew well) do this to another and in such a heartless, calculated way?

I’ve had time to reflect since the breakup, and I’m brought back to what I learned in yeshivah: V’ahavta l’rei’acha kamocha. I don’t literally mean that David must love me like himself, but he could have chosen another way to break up. It was five years! So many memories, good times. I feel like he threw me out. It was like he never loved me. I can’t believe I could have loved a person capable of doing this. People need to know, dating is real. People and their emotions are real. The way you treat someone can affect them for months or years to come. If he wanted to break up with me, he could have done it like a mentch. For weeks I walked around like a zombie. Now I’m starting to live again, with the help of my therapist. I can’t even think about dating. I don’t even know how to “date,” and now how can I trust again?

Yaffa

*****

Below is the letter I received right after Purim.

Dear Goldy:

I wrote to you a few years ago [She describes the breakup again]. I was below my lowest then. It was an effort to get out of bed for a long time. No matter what my family, friends, or even therapist told me, it didn’t help. It took a while for me to see the daylight again. It took time. Time does help.

In a split second I went from part of a long-term couple, to a single. I felt ambushed, stupid for not seeing it coming, and every other emotion you could imagine. I was dragging myself around. I was trying to get my head around what happened and how it happened. It was to the point where I wasn’t living. I was existing. And I knew I deserved better. I deserved someone who really loved me.

In the years since, after much therapy (with professional therapists and my support circle), I slowly started dating again. Nothing happened with the first few guys. I was told that I had to learn to trust and also not compare any man to the scum bag who dropped me like a day-old dirty diaper. My sister said those first few guys were to ease me into dating and not to expect anything.

I dated many men. Some were only the first dates, others made it to a third date, and a few made it past the five-date mark. At that point, I felt that I owed it to whomever I was dating to let him know I’m going to have trust issues because I had been hurt by someone I trusted and loved. All of them seemed to understand. But some got impatient after more dates where I was still doubting myself, decisions...

But there was one who was patient and waited. He waited until I felt comfortable with everything. He said he wasn’t in a rush and knew this was meant to be, so he’d wait until he earned my trust. It took months, but he showed me how much he loved and cared for me, how loyal he was. He even agreed to visit my therapist with me!

Long story short (which may be too late by now): I’m a married woman! My husband is warm, loving, trusting, funny, smart – and all other adjectives I can think of. I am not saying that the hurt and betrayal I went through was worth it because I found my bashert after all of it. I’m saying that I had to learn to trust myself, my decisions, and others. There will always be hurt. How can there not be? But I forced myself to move forward and am in a different place in life with my zivug. That horrible experience changed me for the better. But I still could have done without the lesson being so harsh.

I just wanted to let you know that things turned out right. I’ve wanted to email you for a while and kept forgetting; but thank you for your support. My husband and I are a strong loving unit, where honesty and communication are the most important parts of our relationship.

I wish you and all of your readers hatzlachah, brachah, and mazal. They should remember Hashem is out there working. I thought He forgot about me and played a practical joke at my expense. But He didn’t. The world and Hashem work mysteriously.

 Yaffa

*****

Hatzlachah to you all.


Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.