Welcome back to “How Should I Know?” – the advice column that used to run on a regular basis until, as a cost-cutting measure, it was decided that people do not need advice on a regular basis. Once in a while is plenty, they decided. Despite my advice to the contrary. So my advice might not be something that people have to listen to. But what I lack in volume, I hope to make up for in volume.
Dear Mordechai,
During this chasunah season, what is the best way to lose weight?
-- C.Y.S.
Dear C.Y.
Go to chasunahs. I know that’s counter-intuitive, but you actually get a lot of exercise at chasunahs, more than you would get eating at home. When you have a regular supper at home, do you dance between courses?
That’s why we should go – the dancing! This is what our chachamim recommended as well. Forget the social eating; this is social dancing! You walk a few miles in a circle with your knees bent the whole time, there’s a lot of clawing your way to the middle circle, there’s extra unnecessary sweating involved, the guy next to you is even sweating through his palms…
And you’re going to say, “Yeah, but that’s just a cardio workout. That’s not balanced. What about a muscle workout?”
But then when the kallah comes in for Keitzad Merakdim, you get to do pushups. It’s not for long, but you can keep taking another turn. Or continue doing it the whole time no matter who else is doing stuff around you.
At every wedding, there’s always one overweight guy flopping around on the floor like a fish. You can be that guy!
And it’s really good for your motivation, because there are no excuses. Everyone is watching you. So you can’t just do one pushup really really slowly while everyone at the wedding waits for their turn to get into the middle (“RRRRRRR…ONE!”) and then make excuses about how the floor isn’t good and that you can usually do way more, because the music is too loud. No one hears your excuses. Also this will be on video forever: Your one push up.
And then you can keep coming into the circle with every group that has their little performance. You get to jump rope, put people on your shoulders, do that Russian dance that’s mostly deep squats… It’s a great work out! You can even join the chosson for his little awkward dance. Make it more awkward. Or less awkward. The kallah’s thinking, “Well, turns out my chosson can’t dance. But he’s better than that guy! And I never have to see this again!”
Of course, none of this helps if you’re trying to lose weight for a wedding so you look good in the pictures. Unless you suggest they do pictures at the end of the wedding. True, everyone will be disheveled and sweaty. But I really think wedding photos would be more fun and memorable if they took them at the end anyway. They’d tell more of a story. What happened to his jacket? Why are they wet? Why is everyone covered in glitter? And so on. The only downside of doing pictures then is that all the kids by the end of a wedding are either asleep or crazy hyper.
Also, for any of this to work as a workout, you really can’t eat. So it has to specifically be weddings that you’re not invited to.
“Who was the guy struggling to do a second pushup in middle of the dancing circle?”
“Nobody knows. I thought he was on your side.”
You can drink water, though. Which someone will helpfully bring to the middle of the dancing circle.
“This is for the chosson.”
“The chosson didn’t just do his third pushup. Ever.”
Dear Mordechai,
When I’m at someone’s house for a Shabbos meal and they ask if I want to make my own Kiddush or listen to theirs, what should I say?
-- B.C.
Dear B.,
You should say, “If you don’t mind waiting, I need to walk over to my rav and ask.” Because some people specifically say that the more people who listen to a single Kiddush the better, because “B’rov am hadras melech,” and some people say that making more brachos is better, especially on Shabbos.
Another option is you can do whatever the minhag is of the family you’re going to. Although a lot of times, the minhag of the family you’re going to is to ask.
Personally, I always say that the baal habayis can make kiddush and I’ll just listen.
And it’s not just because multiple Kiddushim is awkward, because what do you do while someone else is making kiddush but specifically not having you in mind? Do you listen but have in mind not to be yotzeh? Do you turn your head and study the stuff in the breakfront of the seforim shrank looking for things to comment on in case the conversation dies down later? Can you talk? Can you search frantically for a sefer to look up this halacha? We can talk when someone else has washed. We don’t all have to be quiet as soon as the first guy washes. Though we all should. No one ever wants to wash in a guest situation because they know the conversation is going to get good as soon as they can’t talk.
Some people specifically make their own kiddush; I specifically don’t. And I tell myself it’s because, “B’rov am hadras melech,” but it’s really about spills. Because apparently, I cannot drink my own kiddush without spilling wine on my shirt. And it has to be something about kiddush, because I drink all the time. All week long. And nothing. Usually. Though to be honest, this is the only time I drink, standing up, with an audience. My wife has said that maybe it’s because of the wine, but I don’t think this wine kicks in as fast as she thinks it does.
So when I go to someone else’s house, I usually have them make Kiddush. Because otherwise I have to bring two shirts. I show up for the seudah, and they’re like, “Ooh, what did you bring us?... Is that a shirt?”
“No, that’s for me.”
“Why? What happened to your shirt?”
“Nothing yet. Can I leave this in your bathroom for when I excuse myself in middle of the seudah?”
“So use white wine,” you’re saying.
It’s not shirt white.
That said, if I’m the host that means I would make kiddush. The “one kiddush” is usually not the guest.
And I hate that pressure on me, because I’m not fun to listen to. We always ask the guests, “Have you heard kiddush?” Like it’s something major to hear. My strength is not my voice. My strength might be my sense of humor, but it’s not like I can insert jokes into kiddush. People are listening, like, “It’s Mordechai Schmutter; kiddush is going to be funny.” It’s not. It’s going to sound funny... I’m going to mess up which kiddush I’m in at least once, lose the place (especially if I decide to use a bentcher), but the good news is you’ll be distracted from my voice because you’re going to be watching that drip the whole time.
Dear Mordechai,
My wife and I keep having arguments about who should shovel the snow. She thinks she does it more, and I think I do it more. How do we avoid these arguments in the future?
-- YJ
Dear Y.,
The thing about shoveling snow is that when you’re doing it, it feels like forever. But when you’re inside the house and the other person is doing it, you’re like “You’re back already?! Are you done?”
“No, but I was outside forever.”
For years, this was a point of contention for us, because it’s not like there’s a point in both of us going out together, but my wife likes shoveling as soon as possible, because it’s easiest to shovel if you do it right away and the snow isn’t pressed down yet from people’s footprints, except for yours and whichever neighborhood youths have paraded up to your door to ask if they could shovel. And I like waiting at least until it’s finished snowing because being a parent has taught me that you don’t clean until the kids are finished playing. So my wife always went out first, while I worked in the house, and then I went out to find that there wasn’t much left to do, and then I came inside to an annoyed wife.
Also it turns out that no matter what system we use, snow shoveling makes people irritable, as it turns out.
So finally, after years of this, we hit upon an idea: Get two shovels. Now we can go out and shovel together, unless our son has taken one of them to go knock on neighbors’ doors.
But no one thinks of this. Multiple shovels! No one has multiple brooms in their dining room. And some people need it.
And it’s a great sholom bayis saver! There’s nothing like going outside with your wife and getting yelled at every other minute for throwing snow where she just shoveled.
So it’s a work in progress. Lately, we’ve been taking different areas, so that one of us, say, works on the driveway or stairs, and the other one digs out the car on the street. Neither of us wants to do that second thing, because the snow is five times as deep there as it is anywhere else, because the snow plow driver isn’t worried about getting yelled at by the wife.
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Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
