If there’s one thing we can all agree on in these tumultuous times, it’s that more and more, it seems that people are acting like animals. And what is this world coming to?
But as Yidden, we believe that the Ribbono Shel Olam created this world with a balance, which means that if people are acting like animals, you can be sure that there are animals out there acting like people. And not even necessarily the good, sane people.
Is this true? Let’s see:
Our first story today comes from Interstate 95 out of Port Lucie, Florida, where a man who was pulled over for swerving all over the road told police that he wasn’t actually the one who was driving. It was his dog.
I mean clearly, the guy was drunk – he couldn’t deny that – so he had to come up with something.
“Why are you letting your dog drive?”
“I’m drunk. You want me to drive? That’s dangerous!”
And then what? He couldn’t actually verify that was he was saying was true. He was the one in the driver’s seat when the cops knocked on his window. Did the dog say, “Quick, I don’t want to get in trouble! Switch places!”?
The dog itself was not available for questioning, because, according to officers on the scene, there was not actually a dog in the car. So this story might not count as an example of “animals acting like humans”.
Or maybe it saw the cops coming and leaped out the window. Which is why the guy had to suddenly get in the driver’s seat. The dog framed him.
I told you; It’s not the good humans.
But okay, so here’s a story of a dog actually driving, from an article I read titled, “Florida Dog Hijacks Car, Spends an Hour Driving in Circles.”
“Hey!” you’re saying. “Sounds like he was driving carpool!”
This did happen at 8:30 in the morning.
It wasn’t really hijacking. The dog did not come in with a weapon. Basically, a Florida man left his car running with his dog inside, and the dog must have hit the gear shift, because the next thing he knew it, the car was doing donuts in the cul-de-sac.
In reverse.
At that point, the dog just kept doing the same circle for an hour with its head hanging out the passenger window until the cops figured out how to get close enough to the car to get the door open. It was one of those cars with a passcode on the door handle, so they had to enter the code while running alongside the car. Yes, the car had a key fob, but it was inside the car, with the dog.
No one was injured. The dog did strike a mailbox, though, and also ran over a garbage can about 60 times.
And dogs don’t just drive. Take the story of Wally, the dog in Wisconsin who has learned to blast the car horn when his owner takes too long in the store. And “too long” is completely subjective, because the dog can’t tell time. According to the owner, sometimes it’s like 40 seconds.
Basically, the dog has learned that if he leans against the horn, not only does it make a fun sound, but his friend will run back to the car a lot faster too.
It’s called positive reinforcement.
Wally’s like, “These are your errands. I have my own things. I have places to be. I have to do carpool. I’ve been driving in circles all day.”
And then there was a story of a guy who was in the parking lot of a Home Depot in Massachusetts, and he noticed that one of the cars had a goat in it. (He noticed it because the goat was flashing the car’s lights on and off.) Understandably, he was very surprised, because – you know – you’re not supposed to leave kids in the car. Why are you even taking your goat shopping with you if it can’t come into the store? Did you think it needed some time out of the house? Why was it in your house?
What alerted the owner that it was time to run outside was that a passerby took a video, posted it, and then the owner’s sister immediately sent her the video with the message, “This is totally something you would do.”
I guess the obvious question with all these stories is: Why are these animals always in such a rush?
My guess is they have errands.
Take the deer in Pennsylvania who recently entered a supermarket and headed straight for the baked-goods aisle. The deer was spotted by a man named Robert Beck, who was shopping with his wife. He says he heard a loud bang and then he heard someone scream, “Deer!” and he said, “Yes?” And his wife said, “I didn’t say anything.”
(These puns don’t work so well when you have to spell the words out.)
And then he saw the deer as it stood in the baked-goods aisle, looking at the prices. (“Fifteen bucks?! That’s insane!... Wait, what kind of bucks?”)
Fortunately, Robert is a hunter, which is why he was so good at spotting the deer. He was like, “This is the freshest meat I’ve ever seen in the supermarket!”
Robert did not have his weapon on him, in the supermarket, which made this an extra challenge. He did have camouflage clothes on, but it was forest camouflage, not supermarket camouflage.
He did have some pies he could throw.
And it’s not just errands. The animals could also be doing mitzvos.
For example, take the story from a few years ago, of a man in Hawaii whose father was sick, so he figured that he’d take the patient’s favorite pet to the hospital to visit him.
The pet happened to be a horse.
The son brought the horse in to cheer his father up. I know it would cheer me up to see a horse in a hospital. Until it started yanking tubes out of people and eating my jello.
He was also reported to be intoxicated.
(The son, not the horse. But he did say that the horse drove him.)
Security staff managed to stop the pair as they got out of the elevator. On the third floor.
“Well, NOW what am I supposed to do?”
Talk about awkward elevator conversations. And smells.
Basically, the hospital explained that their main concern was patient care. To which the guy said that this was his main concern too. But really for this one patient. And the hospital countered that they were mainly a cardiac ward, and they didn’t want everyone on the entire floor to simultaneously have a heart attack.
So the hospital finally compromised that they would bring the patient out to the horse. The patient was brought out, and took one look, and said to his son, “This isn’t my horse. Whose horse is this?”
But it doesn’t matter, because bikkur cholim is not just for people you know. This horse was doing a mitzvah, and he wasn’t going to say anything.
“Oh no, I don’t know the guy.”
This is not something you say. It’s bikkur cholim.
And then some animals go to school. Like dogs. Take the recent story of Alpha, the service dog who spent the day in his owner’s high school so often that they just put his picture in the yearbook.
Alpha’s charge is AJ Schalk – a boy who has diabetes and requires regular monitoring of his blood sugar levels. Alpha is trained to sniff this out and let him know when the levels are off – about 20-40 minutes before he has to do something about it.
The dog came to school every day, and he was there for yearbook pictures, so they decided to give him his own picture. I don’t know if they also gave him a passuk next to the picture, though I would have gone with “Lo yecheratz kelev lishono” or “Lakelev tashlichin oso.”
To be fair, he probably paid more attention than about half the class, and the teachers had only nice things to say about him.
“He’s a good boy.”
And he probably drives carpool sometimes.
Basically, some animals are just trying to make it through the day.
Take the recent police report about a deer in the Czech Republic who stole a hunter’s gun and fled into the woods. Police were involved, because the guy reported the theft.
Basically, the man was out in the woods, when one of his hunting dogs startled the deer, which then charged at him. This is totally how you want it to go. This is why you bring dogs – to make things more of a challenge.
Anyway, as the deer ran by him, its antler’s snagged on the strap of his rifle, and yanked it out of his hand.
The animal ran off into the woods with the gun still attached to its antlers, which I guess was the deer taking the mature route, wherein you confiscate the weapon and hold it until everyone can behave themselves.
Police said that another hunter about a mile away later reported spotting a deer with a rifle. And promptly changed his mind about hunting. (“The deer have guns now. Never mind.”)
It’s mostly a deterrent.
Police are still on the lookout for this deer, which they consider to be armed and dangerous.
Those are two unrelated things.
Point is, saying that people are acting like animals is unfair and offensive to animals, because the animals are acting like people.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I know that the deer are ready.
And the dogs are educating themselves and have all their licenses. All of them.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
