I would have to say that one of the biggest issues with running a Chanukah gift article every year is that I write it too close to Chanukah, and all the good gifts are already sold out.
That is why I don’t actually write about any good gifts. The gifts I write about come with a guarantee that not only are they real items that you can actually buy by accident, but they will definitely not be sold out.
I mean, the people you’re giving them to might not want them, but that is only a small price to pay. There is also the price that they’re actually sold for, which is generally not a small price to pay. But it’s a small price in addition to the regular price. To pay.
For the person who likes to swim alone: Remote controlled alligator head ($60)
This is a large, realistic-looking alligator head that you put on the surface of a body of water, in case you want people and local wildlife will stay out of your lake or pool or mikvah.
Just make it swim around a little, and people will think there’s a real disembodied alligator head in your water, or they’ll think there’s a whole alligator there, depending on how opaque the water is.
Looks somewhat realistic until it makes a turn it, and then it’s like, “Wait a minute. Why is it spinning like that?”
But to be honest, even if people thought it was just a head, they’d probably still stay out of the water.
You can get the keilim mikvah all to yourself, and then once your alligator head is toiveled anyway, you can bring it to party and get an entire punch bowl all to yourself!
Terrify your kids from ever taking a bath again!
This is also great for Tashlich.
For the person who doesn’t want a smartphone but does want to buy unnecessary things to help keep the economy going: The NoPhone ($15)
This is a smart-phone-shaped piece of plastic that does nothing. It sort of maybe looks like a smart phone from certain angles from a distance if you’ve only ever heard about them. Officially, it’s made for people who are addicted to their phones, though I doubt this does much for their addiction. The entire basis of their addiction is holding a rectangle, right? That’s probably it.
This is a great gift for people who choose not to have a smart phone but still want to fit in with people who do, and nod along to their conversations that they don’t quite understand and say, “Yeah, I saw that meme too! Remind me again?” It’s also great to give your kids if they’re a little slow on the uptake, and you’re hoping they’ll remain that way.
According to reviews, it’s also lighter than the standard phone, which is a huge plus, and something to take into consideration. Not to mention that you’re not constantly worried about charging it. There is no case you can buy for it, but if you do drop it, it will not work any worse than before you dropped it.
The best part is that this phone has haskamos from 4 out of 5 rabbanim. It is also allowed by any yeshiva or moisid that specifically says, “We allow no phones in our institution.” Well, this is a NoPhone! Your rosh hayeshiva or rav will appreciate that you’re taking their rules so seriously.
For the person who enjoys eating in the car: Saucemoto ($16)
This is a little plastic piece that holds containers of dips when you’re in the car.
Because we all know that people love eating while driving – generally whatever they can eat with one hand. Driving is boring. And it takes forever. The problem is that a lot of what you can eat with one hand, you need to dip into some kind of sauce. And then what hand do you hold the dip with? Or what hand do you drive with?
Because to be honest, it’s kind of ridiculous that your car comes with 16 cup holders but not one sauce holder. Should you just make everything into smoothies?
So this holder clips securely onto the A/C vent in your car, until you make a left turn and it falls into the lap of the person next to you. But that’s his problem, because if he were willing to hold the dip the entire drive, you wouldn’t need this thing.
There are phone clips that do a similar thing, but I’m sure we can all agree that this product is way more Jewish.
This is a great gift for basically anyone you know, because Jewish people love dips. Why just have dips on Shabbos? Now you can eat challah in the car any day of the week!
For $16, you can buy a 4-pack, so you can hook up all 4 vents at the front of your car with for example jalapeno, chummus, matbucha, and garlic dip. Make your entire car smell like sauce!
That said, we do not recommend that you turn on the heater or A/C until you’re finished the dip. I’m sure they designed it so that the dip is not just constantly blowing everywhere, but there’s no way that as you’re removing a sauce-covered chicken nugget right in front of the vent that it’s not going to get on everyone’s chasunah clothing.
The side benefit, though, is that the vent cools off your food. Or reheats it, depending on the season.
Actually, though, the legal disclaimer for this product says that it’s not safe for use by a driver or while vehicle is in motion. Which literally removes any possible reason to use this product. If your car is parked and you still need this product, you have a problem.
You can also use this on the A/C in your dining room.
For the person who enjoys people staying far away from them: Boxing Reflex Ball (improved design) $16
This is a tennis ball that is attached to a string that is attached to a strap that goes around your forehead, or I suppose your neck, and you can fight this tennis ball, mostly through punching, to prepare yourself in case someone ever breaks into your house armed with tennis balls, or if you’re ever locked in a batting cage.
Basically, you punch the ball and it comes right back. Because sometimes you want to train with a punching bag, but you have nowhere thick and solid to hang it from. So why not hang it from your head?
You can also practice playing actual tennis with it, I suppose, if you don’t have any friends, or you don’t want any. If you have friends and are the tallest in your friend group, you can also stand perfectly still and people can use it to play tetherball.
This is a good exercise device for the person who’s been putting on a little weight from eating sauces in a parked car.
The great thing about this item is that the manufacturer insists that “The improved design will not leave a mark on the forehead,” suggesting that it used to also leave a mark on your forehead. That’s why no one was buying the old one, they figured.
For the new Totty who can’t figure out how to hold a baby: Lalabu Dad Shirt (80 bucks)
This is a hands-free way to wear your new baby in an enormous pocket at the front of your shirt, hands-free, so you can be free to take the baby to shul, the office, matzah-baking, and wherever you go to play with your boxing reflex ball.
And it’s washable, B”H!
Though I should say that every single picture I see of this shirt, the guy is supporting the baby with his hands. I think if you let go, it just pulls on the back of your neck. I do know that when I put something in my shirt pocket that’s too heavy, the pocket starts ripping itself off the shirt.
I also know that I would probably put the baby in the laundry by accident.
For the person who is obsessed with pizza: Pizza Pouch ($8)
This is a clear, triangular pouch that holds a single slice of pizza, point-down, and is attached to a strap that can be worn around your neck. Over your baby.
Because we’ve all been there: Someone orders a pie of pizza, and you take your two slices, but you have nowhere to put the second while you eat the first.
Or sometimes you’re fleishig and someone shows up with pizza, and I mean it’s pizza, so you want to take a slice, but you can’t eat it yet, so you need somewhere to store it proudly on your chest so that everyone knows you’re following halacha.
But literally this would make an amazing gift for anyone, including your wife. Your wife likes necklaces, and your wife likes pizza… Imagine the look on your wife’s face when you get her this. There is no better way to let her know what kind of man she married.
It’s also great for kindergarteners who have a pizza siyum but they don’t finish their one slice, and the teachers want to send them home with it attached to their chests so the parents know there was pizza.
You can also wear it while driving. Or to shul, the office, matzah baking… Maybe not matzah baking. Though it does seal.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
