Rosh Hashana is once again upon us. If only there were some warning. And even though we mostly think about the seriousness of the day, we cannot forget that it’s also a Yom Tov. After all, we’re all familiar with the famous Ma’amar Chazal, which says: “Dip the apple in the honey; Make a bracha loud and clear. L’shana tovah umesukah, Have a happy, sweet new year.” (Ibid 1a)
Okay, maybe those aren’t the exact words of Chazal. I think I’m paraphrasing. For example, I’m not sure Chazal wanted us to make a bracha on the apple if we’re also eating dates and pomegranates, because we should be making the bracha on those instead.
Perhaps their words were,
“Dip the apple in the honey;
Make a bracha loud and clear,
Unless you’re having zayin minim,
Or you learned different in shiur.”
Or maybe they didn’t mention the bracha at all:
“Dip the apple in the honey,
That is squeezed straight from the bear,
Keep an eye on little Chanie,
She has honey in her hair.”
And this is something we all remember, word for word, because as it turns out, songs are excellent mnemonic devices. Think about how many songs you remember every word of that you don’t even want to remember. Sing it with me:
“1-877-Kars-4-Kids,
K-A-R-S Kars 4 Kids,
1-877-Kars-4-Kids,
Donate your kid today!”
And guess what? The songs you sing in kindergarten are the things you never forget. My kids don’t remember what Unesaneh Tokef is from year to year, but they will never ever forget about dipping the apple in the honey or what dreidels are made of, or what Pharaoh decided to wear during Makkas Bechoros.
So I think kindergartens should sing about even more things. Right now, to my knowledge, they basically sing about two parts of Rosh Hashana – honey and the shofar. And those are the things that stick. (Sorry. Mochel me?) And the shofar does not have one universal song. I asked a few kindergarten morahs, because I come from a family of mechanchim, apparently. And it seems that it’s a machlokes.
For some reason, I remember that some of my siblings came home from school singing the following song, T.T.T.O. “I’m a Little Teapot”, which is a song designed to get kids excited about tea:
“I’m a little shofar, big and strong;
When you will blow me, you will hear my song.
I have three voices that are loud and clear,
So pay attention, and you will hear.”
I’m not sure I got all the words right to this one, because the first line is a stirah. How can you be a “little shofar big and strong”?
Meanwhile, my sister, who’s been teaching kindergarten since before I found out she was teaching kindergarten, tells me the shofar song is as follows:
“The shofar in the shul goes, “Toot toot toot,
Toot toot toot,
Toot toot toot.”
The shofar in the shul goes, “Toot toot toot…
“And so on,” my sister says.
“What do you mean, “And so on?”” I wanted to know. “How does it end?”
Turns out that even in that, there are different nuschaos. One teacher said it ends with “All day long.” But that doesn’t make sense to me, unless you daven in a really slow minyan. Or you have a brand-new Baal Tokeiah and a really exacting Baal Makri. That’s why the entire song seems to be stuck on a single Shevarim.
Or maybe it makes sense, because if you think about it, there’s a women’s blowing and another women’s blowing, and then the guy blows in the nursing home, so it might actually be all day long.
Whereas some other teachers that my daughter asked said the song ends with “On Rosh Hashana day,” which to me makes more sense. Or it could end with “Until the Baal Makri nods.”
This song, by the way, is T.T.T.O “The Wheels on the Bus”, which is a song designed to teach children about the things they might see on public transportation so they don’t embarrassingly ask about it on the spot as loud as they could, such as,
“The weirdo on the bus goes, “Snore snore snore,
Snore snore snore,
Snore snore snore.”
The weirdo on the bus goes, “Snore snore snore,”
All over your shoulder.”
So basically, for one of the most effective methods of teaching facts about this Yom Tov, we have two songs, and the second one is a machlokes. We should have songs about everything! Our 4-year-olds are sitting there watching everyone eat zucchini and thinking, “What is this? I didn’t learn about this!”
And no, that doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to teach our 4-year-olds 50 tunes the first week of school. We can just use the existing tunes.
For example, here are some songs to start with, T.T.T.O. “Dip the Apple.”
Dip the keilim in the mikvah;
Make a bracha loud and clear.
If you drop stuff, you can climb in –
Kill two birds with just one spear.
Say, “Good Yom Tov,” to the rabbi,
And all the people in your shul:
“L’shana tovah tika…something,”
They don’t teach dikduk in school.
Take a date that’s filled with honey,
Don’t forget to make Ha’eitz.
If you’ve a sibling in shidduchim,
This will be the part she hates.
Pomegranates are kind of seedy –
Some say they have 613!
There is no good way to eat them,
And you do not come out clean.
Pass the fish head ‘round the table;
Is there nothing left to pick?
The guy near me ate the eyeball,
And I think I’m getting sick.
Cook the carrots in the honey,
Or bake them into a knish,
Patchke, patchke; realize after,
“We can take one off the fish!”
Take a pumpkin or zucchini,
Or some other type of squash,
You can bake it in a kugel,
Or a nasty hamantasch.
There are so many ways to make beets,
Like a borscht or marinade.
But no matter how you make them,
You’ll have more left than you made.
Make some beef tongue, it’s delicious!
Though no one eats it if you beg.
“I don’t eat things that look like body parts;
Please pass me a chicken leg.”
Black-eyed peas -- let’s call them “rubia”,
Cuz’ the name just isn’t wise,
As I think that we’ve established,
That the kids won’t go near eyes.
Bake your challah in a circle;
Show it off -- it’s really nice!
Then sit back ‘cuz it’s a shape that,
No man knows quite how to slice.
There’s one siman that my son loves,
He says, “My soup bowl has a leek!”
Says that line over and over;
He’s no longer allowed to speak.
We are done all the simanim,
Clear the table for the next dish.
What’s that floating in the honey?
I think it’s a piece of fish.
Throw the fish head in the garbage,
No one eats it leftover night.
If it goes back in the fridge your,
Kids will use it in a fight.
Don’t eat nuts on Rosh Hashana,
As the sum comes out to “chait”.
And it messes your kavana,
‘Cuz it makes you salivate.
Bow down on your paper towels,
Say the passuk loud and clear.
Why has no one gotten up yet?
Guess I’ll take a break down here.
Take your siddur to the river,
Or your machzor! (Don’t forget.)
But you do not need a bookmark –
Find the page that once was wet.
We can also make some more songs using either of the shofar tunes, such as these little ditties T.T.T.O. “I’m a Little Shofar.”
I’m a little kittel, white and fine!
Here is my gartel; here’s my hemline.
I look like a malach by design!
And here is the part that is covered in wine.
I’m a little machzor, small and blue;
You’re bound to get me if the youngest is you.
You’ll be flipping pages all of Day Two,
As nothing’s printed twice and the instructions say, “וכו’”.
Hataras Nedarim; I arise!
“Here are my Shvuos, and here are my lies.
Here’s the things I’ve said, now please advise.
Why does our group have seven guys?”
And here are some songs T.T.T.O. “The Shofar on the Bus” or whatever. Admittedly, these were not easy:
On Rosh Hashanah we don’t:
Nap nap nap,
Clap clap clap,
Yap yap yap,
Because we want a feather in our cap cap cap,
All through the year.
You make a Shehechiyanu on:
Fruit fruit fuit,
Suit suit suit,
Court dispute.
You make a Shehechiyanu on loot loot loot,
Or when bentching licht.
For Rosh Hashana we buy:
Sweets sweets sweets,
Meats meats meats,
Seats seats seats.
For that last thing we should save our receipts ceipts ceipts,
So guests can pay us back.
The people at the river go:
“Pray pray pray,
Sway sway sway,
Vey vey vey.”
The children at the river go play play play;
Don’t feed the ducks.
Anyway, the good news is that now these songs are stuck in your head. I’m sorry. There’s no way to fix this.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
