On Monday evening, March 27, The Jewish Board / Jewish Community Services and The Schwartz Brothers, Parkside, and Sinai Chapels presented a Passover Bereavement Program titled “The Empty Chair at the Seder Table.” The program was presented by Miriam Herscher, BCC, LMSW, and Adam Huttel, LMSW, at Schwartz Brothers Memorial Chapel in Forest Hills.
Mrs. Jennifer Martin, a funeral director at Schwartz Brothers, welcomed everyone. She shared that she and her assistant, Angela Taglione, thought of the idea to host this program, as Passover is a hard time when family members have experienced a loss.
Miriam Herscher shared that The Jewish Board will be starting bereavement groups in May. She has been leading pre-Passover bereavement groups over the past few years on behalf of the Jewish Community Center on the Upper West Side in Manhattan and The Jewish Board. She noted that they run groups like this for Rosh HaShanah and Chanukah, as well. In addition, she counsels individuals dealing with bereavement.
The program connected many of the mitzvos at the Seder to ways of dealing with grief. Ms. Herscher shared strategies and ways to deal with grief when facing the holidays. She related that “You need to prepare your heart and mind before the holiday.”
Next, Adam Huttel shared that he has worked for The Jewish Board the past three years, and it is nice to be in person again as it creates a different connection as opposed to Zoom. He also works at The Jewish Board and the Jewish Community Center on the Upper West Side. He pointed out that they offer support for synagogues in all five boroughs. He expressed gratitude in being able to provide comfort to people who are grieving during the holidays.
Ms. Herscher then shared that the word Mitzrayim has the root in Hebrew meaning narrow or constricted. We are coming into Pesach with our constrictions and limitations. Each person has the ability to come out of his or her own personal constraints. She suggested that everyone think of one thing they would like to change. It can be something you think about or do that you want to alter. She then posed a poignant question: “How can we celebrate freedom in the midst of pain? Also, how can we honor the person we lost?” She related her own personal experience of loss and how it is still difficult after many years.
She suggested, “Think of ways to bring the lost one into the Seder. It is important to bring him or her into the room as part of our history and our memory.”
Some possible ways to do this include bringing photos of the people you lost to the Seder, telling stories about the people or recalling life lessons they taught you, giving tz’dakah in their names, or preparing a dish they liked. She noted that each person has to do or bring what will work best for him or her.
Mr. Huttel then shared a story of a Holocaust survivor who explained that to really remember the experience of the Holocaust you had to do something tangible like eating potato skins as you had to do then. He explained that this is what we do on Seder night when we are supposed to view ourselves as though we came out of Mitzrayim. We do tangible mitzvos to help us experience this. We do this because it isn’t just a story. Rather it is something we shared, and we need to internalize it and put ourselves in their shoes. “When we perform tangible acts, it allows future generations to have the story ingrained in them as a living experience that sustains it from one generation to the next.”
Ms. Herscher added that retelling the story at the Seder develops a sense of freedom in us. She also pointed out that children process grief very differently than adults and you need to go by their lead.
She shared that Pesach is celebrated by more people than any other Jewish holiday. Many people may be struggling with the pain of missing someone at the Seder. She related that “Memory is Divine and it transcends time.” Pesach can remind us of our losses. So, we need to recognize sometimes that the pain is terrible and devastating as it was the first day. She then related that we recite the She’hecheyanu to express gratitude for our lives and reaching this moment of Pesach.
Mr. Huttel shared that people can experience grief bursts when something external triggers something inside. It could be a song or a smell that reminds a person of the one he lost.
Karpas, Ms. Herscher noted, represents renewal and spring. We move from grief to a full and renewed life. Referring to the salt water that we dip the karpas into, she shared that there is something cleansing about crying. It helps, in a way.
She pointed out that there is no such thing as closure after a death, but you have to find meaning after loss.
Those who are grieving a loss should be comforted with the mourners of Tzion and should know no more tzaar. Thank you to Jennifer Martin and The Jewish Board and Schwartz Brothers for offering this healing program.
To access bereavement support at The Jewish Board, please contact This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 212-632-4608.”
By Susie Garber
