On Wednesday evening, February 12, community members gathered at Congregation Ahavas Yisroel to hear a beautiful, inspiring shiur delivered by Mrs. Adina Mandel, Principal of Tichon Meir Moshe High School (TMM).
She began by sharing that these are the weeks of Shovavim, when we try to instill extra k’dushah into our homes and into our lives. As women, we have three mitzvos: Challah, Hadlakas Neiros, and Nidah. We are also very connected to t’filah. Each of these mitzvos corresponds to something in the Beis HaMikdash. Nidah is k’neged the Kiyor, lighting candles is k’neged the Menorah, and the mitzvah of Challah is k’neged the Shulchan. T’filah is k’neged the Mizbei’ach. The power of t’filah among women is legendary. She shared a story about the Belz Great Shul in Yerushalayim. When it was being constructed and was almost finished, men wanted to start davening there, but the ezras nashim had not been completed yet. The Rebbe said that the upstairs isn’t finished, so we can’t start davening there because the ezras nashim isn’t there yet. If the women aren’t davening there, then the men’s t’filos aren’t going to rise, as they need the women’s davening for their t’filos to rise. So, we have tremendous connection to t’filah and a connection to Hashem through t’filah.
The Gerer Rosh Yeshivah of the Gerrer yeshivah, Rabbi Shaul Alter, spoke about Tu BiShvat and noted that we speak about an ilan (tree) in the singular and the question is why we don’t use the plural for trees. He explained that the reason is because each child is one and only. Each child is an individual, and you see each tree in the forest. We say about the trees that your shade is so pleasant and your fruit so beautiful and water flowing beneath you. The water is compared to tears of mothers who daven for their children, and teachers who daven for their students.
She shared the beautiful t’filah we recite before t’vilah that says that Hashem should place His Shechinah between us and put His name between us. How do we make our home worthy? We want our home to be a place where Hashem is comfortable. We need to keep the sickness of the outside world outside and make sure it stays out there. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach would have his talmidim accompany him home. One time, one of his students noticed that Rav Auerbach straightened his hat and brushed himself off and the student asked if he was expecting visitors. He said that he was getting ready to greet the Shechinah in his home. We want the Shechinah to dwell in our home.
We ask Hashem to put far away any thoughts that aren’t appropriate. We have to keep bad influences out of our house. Put pure spirit between us. My husband’s eyes should just be for me, and my eyes just for him.
We need to dress nicely and prepare for Him. She read from a 1950s high school home economics textbook that taught how to be a good wife. Have dinner ready. Let him know you are concerned about his needs. Touch up make-up and put in ribbon in hair. Be interesting. Clear away clutter. Prepare children. Minimize noise. Greet him with a smile. Don’t greet him with complaints. Make him comfortable. Speak in a pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and rewind. Listen to him. Let him talk first. Your goal is to make home a place of peace and order, where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
It will be in my eyes that no one is as pleasant as my husband and he should feel the same about me. A beautiful wife, beautiful home, beautiful things make a man more relaxed and open-minded. A beautiful woman is someone who smiles at her husband and talks to him when he comes home. She appreciates what he appreciates.
She shared how she once was in a chasidishe woman’s house and saw she had sheitels. She wondered why she had sheitels, since she never saw her wear them. The woman explained that the sheitels were for her to wear for her husband. It was a big lesson to me, she said. We tend to wear the sheitel in public and the tichel at home, but this was eye-opening.
What is a beautiful home? It means there is order and your husband can find things. He can walk through the house and not trip. Have a neat, organized house. Be predictable.
Don’t compare him to your father or brothers. He is your king, and you are his queen. The more you treat him like a king, the more he treats you like a queen. In your husband’s eyes, there should be no one more wonderful. In Sheva Brachos, we say to be happy like Adam and Chavah were happy in Gan Eden. Why do we compare to Adam and Chavah? The reason is that for Adam there was one Chavah, and for Chavah there was one Adam. That should be in our head. There is only one man for me and for him one woman. A man is commanded to leave his family and cleave to his wife.
We ask Hashem that our union should find favor in His eyes. Marriage is very holy. It brings the presence of the Shechinah into our home. We know holiness is marriage; this is in contrast to the goyim who idealize celibacy. It should be love, connection, peace, and friendship. During each part of your life, you should have a complete feeling between each other. All facets of our life should be complete.
We should always be able to communicate both in physical and nonphysical ways.
She spoke about the copper mirrors that were donated to the Mishkan. Hashem said how beloved this was to Him. He wants husbands to love their wives and feel they are beautiful.
A proper union is full of yir’as Shamayim and yir’as cheit. We ask sh’eilos and do the right thing. Our goal is to raise children with yir’as Shamayim. We must train ourselves to have traits we want our children to have.
In T’hilim, it says your wife will be a fruitful vine on the side and then your children will be like olive trees around the table. If woman acts in tz’nuah way then children will be like olive trees. Olives provide light.
“I teach kallos: The more you honor your husband the more he honors you.” How do you honor him? Do things he likes. Wear the colors he likes and make foods he likes. Show kids you honor him and then they will learn to honor him, as well. They’ll see he also honors you.
He should be happier with me than anything else he has. A gift from Hashem is a woman with seichel. A woman knows how to deal. For example, she shared how Rachel encouraged her husband to go learn Torah. Women see potential.
Thank you to Mrs. Mandel for this inspiring shiur. May our community always have beautiful shalom bayis!
By Susie Garber
