Question: May one get married during Elul or Aseres Y’mei T’shuvah?
Short Answer: It is permitted (and some say encouraged) to get married in Elul, contrary to a supposed minhag not to get married during this time. However, some suggest that b’nei yeshivos not attend weddings during Elul, as it will detract from their Elul preparations. While some are machmir not to get married during Aseres Y’mei T’shuvah, many permit weddings during this time.
Explanation:
I. Background
The Matei Ephraim (602:5) writes that the minhag is not to get married during the Aseres Y’mei T’shuvah (“AYT”). However, the Matei Ephraim does not provide the reason for this minhag. This minhag is cited in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (130:4).
The Chochmas Shlomo (Rav Shlomo Kluger, Orach Chayim ibid) comments that there are two possible reasons. First, since the sons of a chasan and kallah are forgiven on their wedding day, it would be an affront to Hashem – who forgives all our sins on Yom Kippur – for them to get married right before Hashem forgives all their sins on Yom Kippur. It is akin to jumping the gun, like taking off t’filin too early. Second, since the moon is considered “hidden” (kese) from Rosh HaShanah until Yom Kippur, the AYT are comparable to the end of a month when one should not get married because the moon is hidden. Even though we physically can see the moon during the AYT, it is “hidden” in heaven.
The sefer K’tzei HaMateh (Rav Chaim Zvi Ehrenreich zt”l, d. 1936) on the Matei Ephraim (ibid) suggests a different reason. Since AYT are days of extra chumros where we try to ward off the satan, it is risky to have excessive happiness and drinking at a wedding that could lead to aveirah. Accordingly, he suggests that there is no problem to have a wedding for a second marriage during AYT, as there is less inappropriate simchah at such a wedding.
II. The Extension
The S’dei Chemed (Chasan V’Kallah, 23) discusses the ruling of the Matei Ephraim. He adds that people in his own city hold that this marriage ban is extended the entire month of Elul. The S’dei Chemed vehemently disagrees. First, he himself got married in Elul in front of the great Rav Yitzchak Farchi and all the great leaders of the generation. Second, the Lev Chaim does not list Elul in his list of days that one should not get married. As an aside, he doesn’t list the AYT either! Third, he has never found this minhag in any sefer. Fourth, the Mishnah in Yoma expressly permits a kallah to wear certain makeup on Yom Kippur if she is within 30 days of getting married, implying that it is permitted to get married in (at least) Elul, and possibly even during AYT.
The S’dei Chemed then cites other Acharonim who permitted weddings during Elul, at least up until S’lichos, which are days of crying/davening. Thus, he suggests perhaps Sefardim – including his own town – held that there should be a marriage ban during the entire Elul, as S’lichos are recited for them the entire Elul (see Article #1). Nevertheless, he debunks this theory based on two points: (i) the Matei Ephraim cites this halachah in the laws of AYT, not by the days of S’lichos before Rosh Hashanah, implying that this ban has nothing to do with S’lichos; and (ii) he found in the city records that many people have previously gotten married in Elul, implying that no such ban minhag exists.
III. Practically Speaking
Rav Yitzchak Yosef shlita (Yalkut Yosef, Rosh HaShanah, p. 87) writes that there is no problem whatsoever to get married in Elul. Any other ruling is troubling. With respect to AYT, it is more complicated. Even though the Matei Ephraim ruled that one should not get married during AYT, the minhag is not that way. We try to encourage marriage as soon as possible based on the multiple sources in the Gemara discussing how marriage prevents sin. Notably, Rav Hildesheimer suggested that perhaps the Matei Ephraim only forbade marriage on Tzom Gedalyah, but Rav Yosef says that the Matei Ephraim is clear that marriage is banned for all days of AYT. Nevertheless, Rav Yosef concludes that “yeshivah guys” should try to schedule their wedding before Elul so as to avoid messing up “sidrei yeshivah” during Elul.
Many poskim agree and hold that it is permitted to get married during Elul. See the Aruch HaShulchan (Even HaEzer 64:13); Journal Meor Yaakov (Vol. 25, Elul, p. 5), citing Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach; M’kadeish Yisrael (Rosh HaShanah 13). Indeed, the Journal Meor Yaakov (ibid) cites Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l who would advise talmidim to get married as soon as possible, even in Elul, as it would be a z’chus for them. This fits with a similar saying (see Darchei T’shuvah, Yoreh Dei’ah 179:18) that the B’nei Yisas’char would permit all Elul weddings, as Elul is a “shaah mutzlachas.”
However, practically, there are many yeshivos that forbid marriages during Elul. See Mishnas Yehoshua (Eirusin, p. 39). However, this is not based on any halachah, but rather so that the schedule in yeshivah for Elul is not broken. Indeed, the Kol HaTorah Journal (Vol. 57, 5765, p. 185) notes that in 1979, Rav Shach, after observing a laxity in sidrei ha’yeshivah during Elul due to weddings, held that bachurim cannot attend any weddings in Elul. It also cites a saying by Rav Chaim Ozer Grodzinski that really it is a good thing to get z’chuyos by getting married at the end of Elul, but the baalei musar explain that if someone has the proper mindset, he will be unable to get married even at the beginning of Elul. Finally, on a practical level, it cites a biography on the Chazon Ish that noted that he allowed someone to marry even on the AYT.
The Nit’ei Gavriel (Rosh HaShanah 5:9, n. 15) cites the minhag of Belz, Chernobyl, and Vizhnitz not to get married during the month of Elul. The Journal Nidberah Na (5774, Gilyon 182-233, p. 251) also cites a story with Rav Wolf MiZitamer who turned back from traveling to attend his sister’s wedding in Elul after hearing a pheasant remark that if you don’t “gather the food now,” you will have nothing to eat the whole year. Rav Wolf applied this to Elul – if not now, when?
IV. Final Thought
The sefer Palgei Mayim (Mahadurah 3, Vol. 1, p. 243) cites the Divrei Chayim of Sanz, who learned by the Rebbe of Ropshitz as a young man. The Divrei Chayim recounted that he and his friends danced with tremendous simchah at weddings in Elul. The Palgei Mayim explains the reason. The purpose of a wedding is similar to the purpose of Elul: both are to impress upon the individual the importance of doing the right thing. Elul gives us this proper focus, as does a wedding, which highlights the need to have children because we do not live forever (and, thus, must make the most of our time in this world).
A slightly different explanation of the Divrei Chayim is cited in Shivchu Hadorim (Maamar 35). Weddings in Elul are a good idea, as having children is a big z’chus. A person alone cannot overcome the Yom HaDin. Rather, he takes the z’chuyos of his (future) progeny and benefits by having a good outcome in din.
Rabbi Ephraim Glatt, Esq. is the Associate Rabbi at the Young Israel of Kew Gardens Hills, and he is a Partner at McGrail & Bensinger LLP, specializing in commercial litigation. Questions? Comments? Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..