Question: Is it permitted to praise your friend in front of other people?
Short Answer: It is forbidden (avak lashon ha’ra) to speak positively about your friend in front of his enemies or, even in front of friends if you excessively speak positively about him.
Explanation:
I. Saying Something Nice
The Gemara (Arachin 16a) states that one should not say something nice or positive about his friend, because it will cause damage to his friend. The Gemara, however, does not explain how saying something nice will cause damage.
Rashi explains that the Gemara means that it is forbidden to speak positively in an excessive fashion about your friend, because it will cause the listeners to point out the negatives of the friend. The Rashbam (Bava Basra 164b) explains this Gemara similarly.
The Rambam (Hilchos Dei’os 7:4), on the other hand, rules that it is forbidden to speak positively about your friend in front of your friend’s enemies, as they will respond to your words by speaking negatively about your friend. The Hagahos Maimoniyos (5) comments that the Rambam explains the Gemara this way because of the otherwise contradictory mishnah in Avos (2:8) where Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakai lists the praises for each of his talmidim. The Rambam presumably permits the praise in Avos because it is not said in front of the enemies of the talmidim.
II. The Poorly Written Get and the Beautiful T’hilim
The Gemara (Bava Basra 164b) lists two relevant stories with Rabbi [Rabbi Yehudah HaNasi]. First, Rabbi’s son showed Rabbi a get (divorce document) that seemingly didn’t have the date. When Rabbi inquired about this omission, his son pointed out that the date was hidden beneath the folds of the get. Rabbi subsequently expressed displeasure in the way the get was drafted and folded, to which his son remarked that he did not personally draft the get but rather it was drafted by Yehudah Chayta. Rebbe responded that this was lashon ha’ra. Second, Rebbe was admiring the beautiful script of a certain Sefer Tehillim. Rebbe’s son remarked that he did not personally write the sefer, but rather Rabbi Yehudah Chayata wrote the sefer. Rabbi again responded that this was lashon ha’ra based on the Gemara in Arachin (above) that one should not praise his friend to others.
The Maharsha (Bava Basra) asks on Rashi (and the Rashbam), who both forbid praising your friend only when the praise is excessive, how is this case considered excessive, especially because Rabbi’s son simply explained that Rabbi Yehudah Chayata wrote the sefer? See also the Magen Avraham (Orach Chayim 156:2) and Machatzis HaShekel (ibid) who ask the same question on Rashi.
The Maharsha gives a very interesting answer. The only reason why it was lashon ha’ra here, even though it was not excessive praise, was because of the first story with the get. Since Rabbi’s son’s praise of the sefer would cause a listener to likewise recognize the handmanship of the get – which was done poorly – the praise would actually lead to negativity about the writer/drafter. Thus, according to the Maharsha, this is the only type of praise that is forbidden.
III. The Same Question on the Rambam
The Seder HaDoros (Vol. 2, Tana’im V’Amora’im, Yehudah Chayata) wonders how the Rambam (and the Smag, who learns like the Rambam) understand the story in Bava Basra. Rabbi was not an enemy of Rabbi Yehudah Chayata, so why was it forbidden for Rabbi’s son to praise Rabbi Yehudah Chayata to Rabbi? The Seder HaDoros debunks a potential answer, that Rabbi was just warning his son for situations where there was an enemy listening, as the Gemara does not read well, and why would anyone not interpret the Gemara instead like Rashi and Rashbam.
Machon Toras HaAdam (Kovetz 6, p. 120) cites the Chida and others who answer that presumably there was an enemy in the crowd, as this statement by Rabbi’s son was said publicly. In other words, it is forbidden to speak positively about someone publicly, lest an enemy hear and speak negatively about that person in response.
IV. The Chofetz Chaim
Despite the apparent machlokes between Rashi and the Rambam, the Chofetz Chaim paskens like both of them. Mainly, the Chofetz Chaim (Lashon HaRa, klal 9:1-2) writes that it is forbidden to speak positively about your friend in front of his enemies and, even if not in front of his enemies, it is forbidden to excessively speak positively about your friend. The Chofetz Chaim adds that it is also forbidden to publicly speak positively about your friend, as it is likely that someone in the crowd will speak negatively in response.
The Ali B’eir (p. 198) notes that it is certainly not clear that the Rambam agrees with Rashi, that it is also forbidden to excessively speak positively about your friend when not in front of enemies. Perhaps the Rambam only forbids speaking positively about your friend in front of his enemies.
V. Rav Elchonon’s Reason
Rav Elchonon Wasserman zt”l (Kovetz He’aros, at end) gives another reason why speaking positively (more than deserved) about your friend is lashon ha’ra and may cause damage to your friend. By speaking positively (more than normal), you cause others to treat your friend differently than they should – i.e., wrong shidduch, business dealings etc. – which in turn will hurt your friend. Your friend will not associate himself with the people that are most appropriate for him. Additionally, it will cause your friend to have an inflated ego, which, besides being an aveirah, is a negative for his personality.
Rabbi Ephraim Glatt, Esq. is Associate Rabbi at the Young Israel of Kew Gardens Hills and a practicing litigation attorney. Questions? Comments? Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
