Rav Kanievsky Appointed As Education Minister

In his bid to avoid a fourth election in one year and maintain his hold on power as Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu struck an unprecedented power-sharing deal with United Torah Judaism. “It has become clear that the guidelines of Rav Chaim Kanievsky shlita have the support of the nation, and I offer my deepest respect to the Sar HaTorah of our time,” he said. “I look forward to his sagely guidance as a member of the governing cabinet.”

Rav Kanievsky’s personal approach of answering with short statements will result in efficient deliberations on the Knesset floor. “With a simple brachah v’hatzlachah, nothing more needs to be said,” Netanyahu noted. “At the same time, we are talking about an unparalleled authority of Jewish law.”

The negotiations behind Rav Kanievsky’s appointment lasted through the entire night as Netanyahu met in Bnei Brak with Rabbi Eliezer, Rabbi Yehoshua, Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah, Rabbi Akiva, and Rabbi Tarfon. At a certain point, one of their students told them, “Our Masters! The time has come for reciting the morning Sh’ma!”

The reason for the lengthy meeting related to the question of which portfolio to assign to the 93-year-old Gadol HaDor. “His sefer Derech Emunah qualifies him for the Agriculture Ministry, but his commentary on Maseches Avadim would be ideal for the Ministry of Labor, and his decades of experience managing Kupat HaIr would match with the Finance Ministry.”

Eager to prevent another decade of Netanyahu on Balfour Street, representatives of Benny Gantz were seen at the Ponevezh and Mir yeshivos seeking to appoint their own chareidi cabinet members of nearly equal stature.

Trump Seen Wearing Sackcloth

In a display of uncharacteristic humility, former President Donald Trump and members of his family were seen walking on Collins Avenue wearing nothing but sackcloth, in an expression of mourning for the country. “I’ve canceled the Iran nuclear deal only to see Sleepy Joe revive it with the mad mullahs,” he cried. “It’s so sad, so sad.”

The procession began at his Mar-A-Lago estate and proceeded towards Miami Beach, gradually picking up followers and media attention. “I have nothing. No Twitter, no Facebook, no lawyer. Nothing. How else can I get my message across?”

Akiva Shtisel Marries Hodaya Baruchin

In a collision of fictional chareidi drama shows, Akiva Shtisel finally ended his streak of bad luck relationships by marrying a woman who is equally indifferent about her place in the world. “I could not imagine a more fitting match for Akiva than Hodaya Baruchin,” said Mrs. Konigsberg, the shadchan who arranged the match. “Akiva is a sensitive artist who is torn between an uninspiring job at the cheder and his passion for the arts. Hodaya is the most indecisive person I’ve ever seen. She couldn’t hold down any job, or a relationship. Until now!”

Unaware of Hodaya’s lapses in observance, Rabbi Shulem Shtisel only spoke of his daughter-in-law’s reputation as the daughter of a rabbi. “Having seen her only once prior to the chasunah, I can only speak of her rabbinic lineage. Isn’t that the only thing that matters?” He added that, unlike Elisheva, a twice-widowed mother who broke off her engagement to Akiva, Hodaya is also tall and dark, but has never been married. “I understand that she comes from a dati leumi family, but that can’t be the worst thing about her, right?”


Disney Introduces Chaburah For Frum Tourists

Eager to regain customers after a dismal year of pandemic shutdowns, the Disney Company announced its Pesach Resort Chaburah, where guests will have opportunities to attend shiurim on the halachic elements of its popular children’s films.

“We’ve purchased Star Wars and 20th Century Fox, some of the biggest names in epic storytelling. For this project, we’ve acquired Rabbi Moshe Rosenberg,” said Disney executive chairman Bob Iger. “His ability to apply wizard novels to Purim and Pesach makes him an ideal maggid in connecting our timeless tales to Jewish themes.”

Guests will be treated to questions on whether Simba’s venturing beyond Pride Rock on Shabbos violated the t’chum boundary of the Lion Kingdom. Other topics under consideration include the question of Belle offering herself as the Beast’s prisoner in exchange for her father’s release. “Perhaps the true villain in that film wasn’t Gaston, but the townspeople who contributed to his inflated self-confidence by singing his praises,” one guest remarked.

The announcement of the Disney Pesach chaburah will likely inspire other animation studios to follow suit. “What film is more Pesachdik than Prince of Egypt?” said Dreamworks co-founder Jeffrey Katzenberg.


Cuomo Recording For Children

Governor Andrew Cuomo, who won an Emmy Award last year for his daily coronavirus briefings, is not letting his public feud with Assemblyman Ron Kim detract from his reputation as a communicator. “For parents whose children refuse to do their homework or go to sleep on time, I am presenting a pre-recorded message that they can play to their children,” Cuomo said.

“There are certain lines that you do not cross with your moms and dads,” his message said. “We’re in this business together, attending school, eating healthful food, and taking a bath. You don’t want to see me angry, because I can destroy you.”

If these first eight seconds are not terrifying enough for one’s child, parents can keep it playing longer where Cuomo provides examples of his near-absolute rule over the state. “So if you think that school is all fun and no learning, listen to this. I’ll send everyone back to Zoom for the next three months. Your parents will then hate you more than me! So you better listen to them.”

When asked for his thoughts on the Governor’s parenting album, Kim said that his children had suffered enough. “If the governor thinks that he can get away with scaring our children, I’ll take him to court for intentional infliction of emotional distress!”


Coney Island To Build COVID Coaster

With the second wave of coronavirus hospitalizations in New York on the decline, Governor Andrew Cuomo announced plans to stimulate tourism in Brooklyn with a roller coaster that commemorates the biggest tragedy in New York since 9/11.

“Last June, when New York experienced a dramatic uptick in positive cases, I spoke of it as a metaphorical mountain. Once the numbers went down, I stood next to a mountain made out of foam to demonstrate that we are smart, tough, disciplined, and loving.”

The display was nearly as laughable as his writing a book on leadership during the pandemic that has not yet dissipated. “When you look at the chart of the second wave, you can see more ups and downs this time around; with each day we held our breath to see which direction it would take,” Cuomo said. “When you go on this ride, you will experience how tough, smart, principled, and loving we are as a people.”

Flushing Assemblyman Ron Kim, an outspoken critic of the governor, said that the design of the ride is flawed. “When you include the deaths of nursing home patients that resulted from the spread of the virus, the height of this ride would be as prohibitive as the cost of building it.”

By Kadgey Sersky